Beauty in nature reminds me of you (Blue skies)

I walked in the park with them. There's more people here than I first expected it. Though I'm not surprised, the plenty of cars parked outside now makes sense. 

The clouds above have shadows. The skies look extra special today. A beautiful shade of blue, with ornaments of several clouds. They look as soft as his cheeks. 
I walk around...on a round. Wanna listen to music. But the ocean winds are already music to my ears. The mangroves seem to have friendship bands on their branches...nope, just shredded plastic bags that have washed ashore.

The sound of ocean waves...
Shh, world. Slow down for a while.
Shh, responsibilities. Work and study can wait.

The clouds come together on one side of the sky. They look grey. Looks like it'll rain.The sea-link hangs around behind me. The sky is bare on my right.

There's so much beauty in this world. So much to see. I hope I can see it. I hope I can see them with you. For to share in the experience with someone like you, will make it all the more special to me. You are special to me. More special to me than the endless ocean that's in front of me right now. 

The clouds move in front of the sun...left to right like the pictures of a cinema screen...the original cinema. Does it remind you of something?

What do the shapes remind me of? Cloud watching.
I love the smell of grass. So fresh. 

"A storm is coming" the one beside me said.
"No, the light is coming." I replied. 

Originally written on 22nd July, 2019

How to save money

We all have our own purchasing habits....whether it's the kind that makes you broke after the first week of the month or enables you to save some every month, it's upto you to choose. 

Indian consumers are rational consumers. Because we have learnt the art of living life within our means (at least most middle class and lower income families).

And by being really rational...you can save a lot using these simple tips to help you save...used by me and many other thrifty people who don't like to spend it all at once.

1. Keep a record of your earnings and spendings in the form of a book or in your phone's notepad. It helps you become aware of where your money goes so you can review and assess your purchasing habits....yes, especially when you go broke and haven't the slightest clue about how it happened.

2. Carry only as much money as you plan on spending. You can take a little extra...but not too much as it can become temptation to spend.

3. Use paper money as much as possible cause it helps you realise how much you're spending. You also feel the pinch of spending more, when you use paper money.

4. Before shopping, keep a timer on your phone and get your shopping list ready. This trick will help you save time and money as this restricts your gaze from loitering towards buying useless/unnecessary things.

5. Limit eating out to once a week or thrice a month. Food is way more expensive at restaurants. And chances are, if the food is cheap, it's probably unhealthy for you. Learning to cook is a life skill that'll help you eat healthier and save a lot!

6. Before making a big purchase, wait till you save up enough money to buy two and then if you still want it by the time, buy one. This prevents you from going broke after big purchases.

7. Accept that some people or "so called friends" will call you all kinds of mean things cause you want to value money and save up. Maybe in time they'll understand, if not...you can always make new friends.

8. Be skeptical about discounts and special schemes/sales. They are usually used for damaged/inferior products or products that are close to their expiry dates.  Sometimes, they are used for new products.
Being skeptical saves you money and another trip to the store to buy another one or get a replacement.

9. Learn to have fun by spending no money or a little money.  For example, writing, playing cards, singing, walking in parks, etc.

10.  When you write a shopping list, divide it into two parts, one for essentials and one for things you can manage without. First purchase your essentials like food and hygiene products and then proceed to purchase the others.

11. Learn to value money given to you by your parents/caregivers, relatives as pocket money, gifts, etc. Someone somewhere has worked hard for it. Value others money as your own, don't take advantage of people cause of the money they have.

12. Keep two wallets. One where you store all your money...what I call my "home wallet" and one that I take out with me. Gradually transfer small sums of money from your "home wallet" to the other as and when required.

13. Keep short-term and long-term financial aims. For example, a new phone, a scooter, retirement plan, a house, etc. This motivates you to stick to your new saving habits.

14. Use your things until it can't be fixed or reused. Don't just buy new things cause you can.

15. Try not to be wasteful. Make things last longer.

16. Don't focus on saving and neglect yourself. Invest in yourself by spending on Healthcare, therapy and vacations/trips.

17. Don't purchase things only to show off. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone.

18. Plan ahead for months/weeks you know you'll need more money. Save accordingly. For example, Christmas week.

19. Be friends with people of all economic classes. Their insights regarding money will help broaden our perspective towards money.

Have more tips to share? Leave it in the comment section for all of us to make better choices.
Happy saving! :-)

Cozy October day

The day began and I was already out of character, I didn't spring out of bed in the morning like normally do. But instead I was pleading for another few… say, hours of sleep.

Yes, I'm otherwise a morning person.

I got ready in no time for the obligatory Sunday mass, yet was still late. There was a crowd on the road. So our commute was delayed. "A protest" I thought while I queerly tried to analyze the crowd dressed in black.

The ground was wet and I shouldn't have chosen my semi-rainy ready shoes over my gumboots. What was done was done. But can these dull clouds still please go away?
"It had been so hot and sunny just the previous Sunday and look at us now", I said to myself as I lifted my head towards the sky.
I tried not to walk carelessly into puddles like I normally do, I didn't have my gumboots right now after all.

When I returned home. I felt like I needed to sleep most of the day. But instead of resting, I watched videos and ate. Nothing about the weather made me feel like doing anything extraordinary. I can't do that anyway for I'm a mortal. I was glued onto my phone, like the adults complain all the time about youngsters these days. But I also wasn't… Getting lost in my mind with thoughts, debates and questions that I sometimes let the other persons in my life know. Mostly, that is what I do…. Just think vaguely about anything and everything. Keeping it all shut out from everyone, my thoughts.

At some point of lazing around I got up from my monotonous demeanor of weekends and went into the kitchen to try recreating a childhood memory I was fond of. It was that of a packaged chocolate pudding that I couldn't seem to find anywhere anymore. I made it and left it there on the counter to cool down. And then after a reflective diary entry, I decided it was time to taste my masterpiece. The weather had been minty at the time I tasted it, my body had been adjusted to the chills of climate. It tasted exactly like what was missing on a cold day like today in October.

no sense

Typing...

Re-reading...

The backspace key is pressed down...
The page is blank again...
And the cycle repeats.

It's so weird to go from..."Wow, I know exactly what I'm doing in life" to "Yeah, I'm just surviving."

The confusion that arises in the gap between the two is no stranger to most of us in the world. 

For weeks and months now, probably, the issue I kept having with this blog is finding good topics to write about. And for those topics to be readable, understandable and not too personal, or else it'll be rejected by the biggest critic of my life...myself. 
So here I am, trying to make sense of a phase in my life where I feel nothing makes sense anymore. 
The connection between the paragraphs cease to exist and I'm just left there as just another stranger on the internet with a lots to say about....something that no-one really understands. 

Though for real, what I'm trying to say is...life doesn't make sense to us a lot of times. Like the way mine is going on right now. Because, the meaning of life is to keep going on, despite the ambiguity of the ideal and real-life. 

Life is not perfect. Nor will it ever be. Sometimes it sure does feel that way. And then it goes back to feeling imperfect again. 
Should I complain to the authorities on your behalf?

This article doesn't make sense, does it?
Perfect. 

Stranger danger

Haven't you ever thought about how strange it is that we credit certain personal experiences to people and how we label those experiences by the person's name?

We could know a stranger through and through... But without their name... That knowledge still floats in the mind as "someone". Until that someone becomes a person whose name you know. We then feel that feeling of ease...like we know the person....cause we can now relate the knowledge and experience of that person with a name.

Just a name... How simple is that?
Just ask them their name.
Cause then we can credit the feelings we feel for that person with a name.
Most crushes begin this way and end this way.
Just a name.

Nothing more, nothing less.

The position of a stranger is really potent. They could be anyone in the future... They may have been anyone in the past. But in the present, they remain but a strange figure of existence.... Unknown.... Unrecognizable... A mystery.

Though I do sometimes find a familiar face in a stranger until I realise they are not who I thought them to be. Maybe their nose is a little more smaller... Maybe the clothes they wear is a little unusual... Maybe their voice is different.... But they remind me of someone I knew.

A certain someone like you.

It's really funny how for so many years, I had a person who I called a stranger for a multitude of reasons. I knew nothing but a name. A personality that was still a blank slate then, untouched by time and pains of living.... Now holds the scarring of life.
Most friends or classmates from childhood are like this... So unknown even when you had spent so much time with them in the past. They are unknown to you now.
Did I make you recall someone from your childhood?

But to be honest, the position of a stranger... The position of you being that stranger is dangerously exhilarating. The persons around you haven't formed an impression of you yet, so be who you want to be.... You have that liberty here.

That's why I sometimes feel like beginning again in another place... No known people around me... No known names... In a different city... It's like restarting a new life while you're still alive. A new chapter, no, a new book altogether.
But we'll always carry a little bit of our history into our present story no matter how hard we try... We'll never be a complete stranger to ourselves.

This present moment

On the bus as usual, I'm looking out of the window, lost in thought. I happen to notice the girl in front of me doing the same, smiling at a thought or something she noticed outside. 

I was surprised. I was happy seeing her happy. 

I am a sort of person that tends to keep a big list of what I want to happen in the future, what things I want in the future, what I want to be. 
I think that's true for most of us, we expect good things, fully aware and cautious about the bad things. 

But sometimes, that's how we forget to love the present for what it is. 
There has been so many seasons and phases in my life, that if I'd just stopped to look around for a minute, I'd be much happier and grateful for what was happening, even though at the time it felt like everything was falling apart. 

We need someone to smack us in the face and those are the times reality hits us. 

I really wish I could've been more patient with myself and others. I really wish I could've gone back in time and done some stuff differently.
But these are just excuses and ways to escape the fact that the future depends on what I do here and now.

I used to hope and dream of being an adult as a child. I was desperate to taste freedom, to have an identity of my own, to make decisions on what I thought was right for me. But the truth is, freedom comes with responsibility. I still am on the search of who I am. And to make my own decisions comes with a lot of anxiety and over-thinking that I'd never imagined. It isn't all black and white, I'm almost never 100% sure on what is really right for me.
Growing up was great, though it came with a lot of unforeseen problems. Maybe everything I hope and dream about, is that way. 
I should live in the moment and enjoy the moment while it lasts. 

Reality is very different from fantasy. And the thrill of mystery dies off, once the secret is known. 
Life is a complicated beautiful mess and there isn't a wrong way to live it if you're doing the best you can to be the best you can be. 

In the coming days, weeks and months, I hope to expect good things to happen to me and the ones I love. I hope to take responsibility for the things that have happened in the past and work towards acceptance and improvement. And most importantly, I hope to live each moment to the fullest as I sit here, am grateful for who I am and all the things that are going right and do what I can do, this present moment. 

Is playing it safe worth it?

We all have been bubbly cheerful kids until someone projected their fears onto us. The world is scary enough, than for us to expect and look for flaws and bad things to happen. And some people constantly try and convince us that the world is a bad dark place. It could be true. But what if it isn't? What if all the life I've spent inside my tall thick walls, I've kept everyone out and missed out on beautiful things life has to offer?

Why do we have so many fears anyway? Every worst-case scenario playing on repeat every time uncertainty arises. Who taught us to be so afraid when God keeps telling us..... "Do not fear."

The mind can be tamed, I've heard. So I'll keep an eye on it and hope for the best.

We think we're safe when we play by the rules. The rules were a guide though, not a ruthless dictator. One must always defy the rules that keep obstructing us from expanding our horizons, stunting our growth and disabling us from reaching out to others.

I mean, it's good to play it safe. It's good to want to be accepted by people. But taking risks can yield great returns. And you can't be accepted by everyone. There'll always be someone who disagrees with the life you choose.

But choose that life anyway. And tough it out when problems arise.
Because even if you don't take risks and listen to the advice of everyone around... Life will still be difficult and confusing sometimes. But you'll still overcome.

For the longest time, I've been closed.... People say I'm very reserved... I take a lot of time to open up... And even then, I'm so rigid in my personality.

It's tough opening up to people. It's tough being rejected. It's tough expressing your emotions and thoughts to others.
Because they may not understand.....but some may never understand.
And people may still hurt you somehow no matter how safe you play your cards.

I need to be open anyway. I need to express myself anyway.  I need to proclaim my truths no matter the consequences I might have to face. I need to choose what I know will make me happy even if I end up being wrong. I need to break my walls... Or else, I may always be here... Isolated from people who want the best for me, even if they don't always express themselves properly.

So here I am, this is me. I'm weird. I like and do things many find strange. I try too hard for things and don't want to give up on people. I hate drama but my life is always filled with it. But I'll still be here. I'll still try... Again and again... Even if doomed to fail cause I believe in the goodness in this broken world.

It's somewhere inside of every person... This goodness. I know I can find something to love and respect in everyone if I try hard enough. And I know someone will try hard enough to see all that in me.
Cause I'm just me, you know. I understand how much it hurts to be me... It hurts to be whoever you are sometimes.
But I need to open up my heart to people. I need to believe that they too can be good and mean no harm.... Even if they do cause some harm to me.
I can be strong. And I will be strong....to take in pain and let it change me into being a better person.

Have an open mind and be open to pain... Cause only if you're open to pain... You can fully receive love.

I will be me and you will be you. And we'll get along just fine.

For you, my love

That picture... That flower is very significant to me.

It was the first year of college. I had booked tickets to a college event with my friends. We entered the auditorium and made our way to the seats we had booked. We found that our seats were broken so we talked to a student volunteer who made us sit in the VIP section near the stage.

I was so delighted.

I remember telling God that day that I was so disappointed in guys.... It had been few months since college started and no one proposed to me, nor gave me a flower.

Wow! What a prayer, right?

College is a time where everyone is exploring themselves... Either all alone or through the eyes of another.
It's a time of excitement and self-discovery.

The judges were given flower bouquets...The norm at any function.  Then something very unexpected happened.... 

One of the judges threw his bouquet at the audience. I was startled.

Everything moved in slow motion. The flying flowers... All multicolored...looked so beautiful. It went in all directions. I looked up... The stage light that was so bright, caught my eye. I then saw a white flower.... A flower I hadn't noticed cause of the light. 

And a voice spoke to me, "For you, my love." The flower slowly came down and rested on my lap. I held it in my hand and took this photo. I blushed so much. My friends sitting next to me were surprised I had a flower in my hand and a little confused about the undeniably happy expression on my face.

This photo was a remembrance of that day.

God was there, He was always there. I always ignored it. I always fell away. I always came close to only go further away later. But that day, God heard my silly inner monolog and provided.

After I received the flower, I left the flower there on my seat.... Cause if God gave me love, I will pass it on to another.

Face the music

I have a problem that bothers me a lot. I can't look at people in the eye when I'm nervous.

Somehow it makes me more nervous....so I look here....there...everywhere but the person.

It's a bad habit of mine that I'm trying to break. 

Face the music.

Once when I was playing a duet with my violin teacher, he advised me to always listen to what the other player was playing, not just pay attention to what I was playing. I can't just be in my own world...I can't be out of sync with the rest of the melody. Each tune is supposed to play out in harmony...that was what I was told.

Face the music...Face it.

Many of us learn all types of coping mechanisms throughout the many difficult events in our lives or lack of them. We were engineered to be problem-solvers, yes, but most of the time...we can't get out there and solve all our problems. We need to wait...write out strategies, do it and hope for the best. 

I've had lots of mal-adaptive coping mechanisms...ways in which I'd distract myself from problems and issues happening in my life. Not allowing myself to fully experience things playing out in my life...irrespective of whether they were good or bad, I was so used to being out of sync...I didn't realize it. 

What I have to do with myself, time and again, when I become aware of this is to ask myself "Why?". 

What am I so afraid of?

Why do I think I can't handle the thing I'm afraid of?

Can we (I, me and myself) draw out a plan for me to handle it so I worry less?

This method is very helpful for me. And yes, we don't have to run away from things that are difficult. We can deal with difficult situations too. (Don't underestimate yourself.)

I guess what I'm really afraid of is a negative reaction.

It's difficult to face yourself in these situations and prepare yourself to be strong enough to face any 

reaction...positive or negative.

But be confident in yourself to know that you can face both kinds. You can face the music. I know you can.

The dragon with the whiskers

Travel in the city has always had some element of mayhem. That's what comes with living your life here. This element of mayhem has been created due to the people involved. And like I always say....
People are unpredictable.

Train travel....No-one can live in this city and ignore the pains and joys of this experience.
I had a "rite of passage" experience the day I went to college by train for the first time. It was terrible....Almost missed the lecture cause of the delays.

My memories of train travel are several. Some sweet memories.... Some filled with annoyance and irritation. Some filled with beautiful time spent looking out of the window and thinking deeply.

I think of you deeply, dear city... I think of you as a dragon, dear train.
A dragon... I've always been amused with those mythical creatures as a child. They told me I was born in the year of the dragon and thus my obsession began.

I'd imagine riding a dragon... Being one. And right then... Sitting on a local train... I felt like I was on one. This dragon was twisting and turning... Moving through the city at a speed no alternative transport could provide. There are always people around to watch and make use of this great service... The service of the Indian dragon.

The dragon has whiskers... They seem electric at times. I rarely see the end of it. This dragon is the longest one in the world.

Fly away, dragon.... And take me to the place I need to be. The places and people I pass by, tell me stories of their ansestors and how their bloodline reached our time....all without saying a word... I see it on their faces... Their attire... Their walk.... Themselves.
Don't say anything. I see the years of history in the people and on this great dragon.

I sit in a circle at a mealtime.... And we sat and spoke of tales on the dragon. They were tales of people arguing with one another for a little space. A little space on the dragon... In the city... In life.... We could all use a little of that.

The scenery changes at a rapid speed.... Many people are unfazed. I used to be scared. Knowing a dragon now, I don't think I can be scared of much anything anymore.

Home

"Make yourselves at home, this is your home. "

What is your idea of home? Is it a certain place? Is it a certain locality? Is it a person?
How many homes do you have? How many homes can a person have?

When the concept of home comes to mind... I think of stability. A fixed place I can come back to, to relax, be at peace, sleep and prepare for the next day.
Yet this concept of home changes so much from person to person and also from time to time.

A home brings a general sense of security. But it isn't always a place.
It could be a person, who always makes you feel safe... No matter where you are with them.

We tend to be crazier at home.... Our home. No need to behave too civilized... Be completely honest in your comfort zone.... Home is where the crazies are.

My understanding of home was written in paper and then, that paper went into a washing machine. The machine was switched on, and the cold water and soap swirled it... Spinning on circles again and again. What I'm left with after that, is a mushy wet pile of paper. So I pressed it and wrote on it again... Home... What is home? Who is home? Am I at home?

The scary and awesome part about all this is that.... We get adjusted to new environments very quickly. Afterall, all it takes is a little familiarity, right?
Home could be anywhere. Anywhere around the world. It could be next door.... It could be where you are right now.
It can be found in every person's heart... It just takes the right kind of person to succeed in the search.
It's in every great & mighty building and in every small slum or hut.
So do look out for home... It may surprise you where you'll find it. But you will find it. Give it some time to reveal itself to you... Let your home be revealed to you. And at the end of each day, may you find yourselves at home...no matter were you've been through all day long. Be at home for a while... Even if it's just a feeling, you realise.

What makes life easy?

A thought that makes life feel easy is knowing that life has never been that easy, nor does it guarantee to me to be.
While I do the most or go through the most, I see the best in myself shine forth.

We love to grow... We love to become better people than we were previously. We love to see positive changes in ourselves.

We like to choose our problems and so we plan to do challenging and difficult tasks sometimes. But hey, life doesn't always go according to our plans, right?
And just because we can choose our problems sometimes, doesn't mean we don't feel the stress when we realise those too require lots of effort and work to get done.

I used to think if I exercised my choices well enough.... Looked over every detail.... And predicted outcomes well enough... I'd be able to be happy with what I'm doing in my life.
Whether it's following your interests or following the things you're good at.... It's a good thing to know that life can still be difficult sometimes. And you may still feel that everything is against you at times. (though not, you later realise)
But you will overcome and feel amazing once you do.

Everything problem is fleeting. Life feels boring and underwhelming without it. And stress can be the start of something beautiful without us fully realizing it.

I'm no professional at living life. I'm just telling you what helps me in times of distress.
There are times I can't have it all together and times I feel I've finally found my rhythm.
But in all things, I'm glad I tried... I'm glad I made it through and I'm glad to share this with you.

Life may not be easy... But you're not easily defeated either, now are you?

Good violence

I am violence. I thirst for destruction in the hearts and minds of many. I go about destroying the things on whom many have put their trust in, so that they could go back to trusting The Lord, their God.

I break hearts of stone and indifference in people just to cause them to get a new heart from God, a heart of flesh and blood, a heart that feels compassion and love. The newly hearted shall comfort the people who they previously just ignored.

I desire pain. I desire pain in people who have numbed themselves down in this cruel world...so much so that they desperately lack the courage to be kind. I shall tear down the four walls of people who have alienated themselves with the rest of their brethren based on close-mindedness like judgements, prejudices, envy, scorn, stereotypes and plain ol' unjustified hatred. I shall tear down their walls that they may see the world in all its wonder and all of God's created works with admiration.

I will feel pleasure as I watch human idols burn in the scorching flames of fire. Then all shall see how feeble and helpless their idols are. And all shall return to the Lord, the God, the living One.

I am violence. I am the violence that leads you to God. I am godly and the Lord is my God too. I am violence... The violence that loves the Lord, your God. And the Lord commands me and I shall follow Him.

Star stuff

Everyone talks about the awe they're struck with when they look at the starry night sky. Everyone talks about how the stars tell of their future in this world. Everyone loves to make a wish at the shiny diamonds that passes across the dark blue covers.
We really love the stars, don't we? We like to stare into the great mystery and unknown the night sky showcases. Even though we're afraid of the darkness our own uncertain futures are. Maybe it too could be this beautiful.

Some like to be defined by these distant lights in the universe.... Oh so far away you are... How could you ever know how I'm like? How could we ever speak to break the ice between us. Outer space is a cold and unforgiving place I'm told.
Yet, it's still so pretty.

I can't be defined by these stars... The universe either. I'm free. I'm unpredictable. I'm way too complicated.
But you are wonderful. Yet, so am I.

People like to think that we're all made with star stuff. But I like to think stars are made of the dreams and wonder we were made with.....our beautiful mess...our beautiful complexities....us.
We are what gave stars so much meaning.... They were meaningless particles in space. Who cares about them the way we do?

I care about us. I care about the beautiful people here on earth... All of us that exist here. I care about all of us despite our complex nature. We are more valuable than stars. We are more important....we are unpredictable.

Lost in an unknown place

A rash decision, I misjudged the surroundings. It wasn't my bus stop yet and so I found myself in an unknown neighborhood.
"I'm no good at travelling to new places", I thought as I paced on the sidewalk. I walked the whole way to my right till the next signal and then walked back where the bus had left me.

The smell of vehicle smoke tingled in my nose. And the eyes of strangers followed this obviously confused girl.
"Don't approach me to help me please. I rather be lost forever than to ask you for help. I'll figure it out eventually" I said to myself softly assuming everyone around would think I'm mad for talking to myself in public.
I didn't care... Just wanted to see something familiar..... At least slightly familiar so I could find my way.

Some find their way back so easily. Within mintues they're at their destination even if they took a wrong turn. Must be it's the GPS that helped them... May be I just don't know how to travel.

I now remember all the times people have told me, quite out of habit to get lost. And wow, here on this dusty road with the traffic so loud... Those words are really annoying.

Some people I know have gotten lost several times, very casually and asked for directions before getting more lost or finding their way. And if you're a girl who's not confident in her local language speaking skills or is too scared to talk to strangers.... You can see why I get so anxious when lost.

The whole world feels cold and unfriendly now. My friendship circles are in a dimension I have been locked out of.
Is this the same country? Is this the same city? I wonder.

Finally, I decide to take a bus whose number I'm familiar with...to the stop I was initially supposed to get down on. When I'm in the bus, I mumble the address to the bus conductor hoping he didn't find it weird that I peeped into a tiny paper from my bag where I scribbled the name of the stop.
It's fine... Here's to new experiences and getting lost in new places, right?

As my eyes search for something familiar outside the bus window... Some landmark... Some known face... Something.... Anything....I finally see the big sign board... The only one I perfectly remember from my mind. I'm relaxed now.... I'll find my way now... So sure of it.

Now, I'm confident when I get down. And I walk in victory. I made it out alive. I made it back to the people I know and love. I survived... Let's just hope I do so the next time too!

I hate Indian serials

No, I'm not a fan. Is it a big surprise?
I don't like my heart in the strings of a master puppeteer who doesn't care about me.

I have enough drama in my own life, thank you very much.

The thing I most dislike about Indian serials is that they go on for years, decades and even centuries maybe. I don't know, has any ever come to a satisfactory ending?

If you have ever observed me at places where I'm forced to watch serials because someone around me is a fan... You'll find me either leave the room if I can, ignore its existence or negatively commenting on how unrealistic and melodramatic everything is.

All serials/series aren't bad, of course, but most Indian ones are.
Here's a list of traits I especially hate:

1. Prevalence of stereotypes, biases and cultural evils
And you wonder why so many old aunties and uncles are so rigid in their traditions that are obviously ruining everyone's lives.

2. Antagonists are always after power, property and money
Oooooh! And most of them are borderline sadists who indulge in deeply hurting people.

3. People have no work and are always plotting against each other
I'm amazed at how free people are in serials. I didn't have that much free time even in primary school. The bad people plan traps for the good people and the good people do the same. It's a never ending cycle.

4. Police and law only come into the picture when it's convenient
When I say "convenient" , I mean, when it's used to frame innocent people.
There are so many unacceptable activities done in serials that would easily send one to jail including violence against elderly and minors, domestic violence, kidnapping, etc. But are the police ever called? Nope. These things "Remain within the family" but why? *no response*
And even if said people go to jail, they are given easy bail and sent home within days.... Unrealistic for most of such offenses.
Also, the way most police are shown reinforces the notion that all of them are corrupt and useless to actually take care of law and order in society. And then you wonder why even with so many social reforms and laws in our country... We're still so backward and not progressing at all. It's because we don't trust the police, the law and the peace they're meant to bring.

5. Unnecessary extending of episodes
Indian serial writers and production directors are great.... Very great at this.
I absolutely hate it when they repeat the same drum beat while zooming into everyone's face as they make some dumb shocked expression. It's so lame.
Also, those weird "romantic" scenes where the couple is looking into each other's eyes for what feels like hours. That's so strange and unrealistic. I mean I know you love her... But at least have a human conversation... What are you trying to accomplish? Telepathy?
And those scenes that tense everyone up... The people that are not supposed to meet, almost do... This happens around 10 times, in different locations and in different ways. Stop it! Please.

6. It never gets over
I've heard of serials that last 300 episodes. And I wonder what hellhole the viewers have been through waiting for so many episodes to see a happy ending....

7. ...That's not even there
Very rarely do serials have a good ending. It's like you've waited for so long and then they murder your heart. What is this?
This happened to me once while watching an Anime too.... What do these writers think of themselves? Well, never again. Never watching that anime ever again.

I sincerely dislike watching Indian serials. They play around with stereotypes too much. I have learnt to joke about the entire plot in my head and I comment about it outwardly too many a times. People need to know how they're getting toyed around because of these serials. People need to be more socially aware and not encourage such biased opinions to be so easily broadcast in our country. If we really love our country, we'd care about the lives of our Indian people. And that means the healthy social lives of all people....not just ourselves.

Indian entertainment industry, I'm keeping my eye on you and I won't support your work if you don't respect social harmony, tolerance and national integration.

Morning madness

(My classmates will recall how I got inspired to write this)

Most of the Mumbaikars, living in or near the city are early birds... Or at least, have to be. We are awoken by our alarms, a sound we've learnt to hate. Waking up before the sun has risen is tough and we dislike it dearly... Unless there's something spectacular to look forward to during the day. We, the Mumbaikars, not fully awake without a hot cup of tea or coffee and a delicious good breakfast.

And so my journey begins the moment I step out of my door and walk towards the lift. I exit the building and the cold morning air hits me. Some are washing their cars, splish-splash, and there's water on the concrete ground as if it just rained. Making my way to the bus stop, I keep an eye out for coming buses, if there are any. I speed to the bus stop anyway. I then see a bus coming from a distance. Half a minute passes and it still appears to be afar. Is it stuck in time or just coming in slow-motion? The bus finally arrives and so, I hop in quickly and choose a good seat by the window. I take out the money for my ticket, the coins are all warmed up in my hand by the time the bus conductor comes to take it. He gives me my ticket. I look at my ticket for a few seconds before keeping it in my bag... Just another one for the already existing pile.

The wind is gushing in through the window. The bus driver has always wanted to be a racer. But at least I'll reach college faster if I'm alive at the end of this. Who am I kidding? I'm thoroughly enjoying the speed at which he's driving at.

I make "the sign of the cross" as I pass by the Church. I relax a little. But then I get anxious when I look at the time on my watch. I try to calm myself down by counting the numerous dogs on the sidewalk. They're out for their morning walk, along with some others jogging for a fitter lifestyle.
Most of the stores are closed, though many are beginning to open and set up for the day. I cover my nose and mouth at the sight of the garbage dump. And after it's away enough, I let out big sigh. I look out for my landmark building a little before my destination stop. Once I've passed it, I get up and get down.

I, then, walk across the junction, on a serious lookout for cars and bikes...To reach the other bus stop. As I'm waiting there, I try to observe and notice other people in the area who are on their own morning adventures.

A lot of us are anxious and in a hurry right from the start of the day. Our worry reflects on the clear expression on our faces. We're easily troubled by even the slightest of delay by any of the transports we rely on. Even the most trivial of extra space in between the 2 dominoes could spoil the chain reaction. Besides, a day begun well puts us in a good mood throughout the day. Or so, we believe.
Still dazed by the dreams of yesterday, we take on a new venture today. The first mission of the day being, of course, to reach on time to our schools, colleges or workplaces.

Waiting at the bus stop sometimes feel like forever. And to get to college, I mostly have to wait twice. Finally! I see the bus. I get in, pay for my ticket and get down. There isn't time to look out of the window and let my mind wander anymore.
From here on, it's by foot....a walk that lasts 3 mintues if you can walk at my pace.

On entering the college lane, I wear my ID Card and go through the college gates. I make a quick stop to the chapel and go to my class...Where I see my friends already seated at our desks. My class is the finish line to my morning madness.

There are some other classmates who just got here too, panting for breath. And when I see other students like me who made it on time, all I can tell them in my mind is, "Way to go, fellow racer, you've completed the race."

Answers to your questions

Few days back, I asked my social media friends what questions they would like me to answer, and well, here they are:

1. What's your philosophy on moving abroad? ~ Asked by Vishnuja Nambiar

When I was younger I used to hate everything about my country and dreamed of the day I would be finally able to leave this place for good. But recently, (a few years back) I realized how much I loved my country's culture and how used to the urban Indian lifestyle I am at this point.
My country has lots of issues that I can't ignore. But if all the people who actually love this country, leave, how will this country ever see any hope for development?
My philosophy about moving abroad is to try fixing the problems first and if the people of India deny responsibility to be better than what we are now... Repeatedly, then it's best, people like us do leave the country. It's sort of like a toxic friend who you try confronting about their issues and offer solutions too, but if they're not willing to listen, then it's best we leave them instead of damaging ourselves.
That said, I also think the whole world is doomed anyway and no country is devoid of any flaws. I guess you just got to pick and choose which problems you're willing to deal with on a daily basis.
And finally, I do sometimes worry about the potential problem that could arise if I do leave this country and settle abroad... Like racism, discrimination cause I'm different and not finding people who's family and community values are as strong as mine since I'm an Indian. Then again, I'm not sure, I've never set foot on any other country but India.

2. Are you ready for exams? ~ Asked by Ruth Quadros

Yes. I mean, to the best of my ability.
I don't like the dread of anxiety that comes as the exam season approaches so I prefer to study a little right from the start of the term. This may shock most people but I'm a slow learner so I allow myself to take my own sweet time when it comes to learning. I cannot even finish whole chapter in one day, I get too distracted. I read a few pages, watch videos on the subject, hangout with my friends, sleep on it and try to find similarities of what I'm studying verses reality.
I cannot cram studying everything under one/two nights. For those of you'll who can and still manage passing a subject, I just want to say, you'll are super humans.
So yes, I'm ready for the coming exams, except for French, no one ever feels ready for French.

3. Why so calm? ~ Asked by Saakshi Upadhye

It's around the same answer as the previous but yeah, since I study throughout the term, when exams actually come around, I'm mostly very chilled out. Emphasis on mostly, I'm still a regular human.

4. How's your crush? ~ Asked by Joel D'sa

He's great, Joel, thanks for asking.

5. Are farts explosive and flammable? ~ Asked by Samson Fernandes

You're so funny. I don't know about human farts, but cows produce lots of methane while farting. If compressed... Yeah, they probably will be really explosive and inflammable.

Thanks to all who asked me these questions....bye for now!

My blogging experiences

This is a post on my experiences as a blogger so far.

It's almost been a year since I started to be more regular in publishing posts on this blog. I began taking my writings more seriously after I read a couple of my old articles and realized, "Wow, these are actually very good. I want more people to read these."

The things I began as a hobby ended up being an important part of my identity. I started blogging for fun and had decided that all of my best writings would go here.

Blogging has enabled me to have a voice even though I'm pretty sure I underestimate how good I was and am at writing.
I'm more confident now, having shared my heart with you, dear readers.
No, this is not a goodbye.
Just wanted you to know that I'm glad many of you are people I know and value in my life.

All the agonizing over finding a good topic and anxious editing of blog posts again and again because "It has to be perfect" is made worth it cause of you'll sweet people who support me. The anxiety of not knowing who all are reading my posts was made negligible by many of you'll reaching out to me and telling me you'll like to read things here.

Even though I wish I had taken more opportunities to expand my audience, which I will somehow try doing in the future, I'm glad you'll made it here. All the different articles and sites on the internet and you chose mine, so thank you very much for your support.

My experience here has been great and I hope to learn more things about the world, writing and you'll, sweet readers.

So cheers to you making this far, and cheers to this friendship that we share. Here's to many more articles, experiences, drawings, guest writers, friends and opportunities. 

Here's to the future. * clinks glasses *

(I should probably go back to studying now)

Is being understood even possible?

You can be in a room full of people or in an empty room and still feel just as lonely. Loneliness comes from not feeling seen, appreciated and understood enough. 

I'm on an eternal search of being fully understood. I sometimes think I've found it in someone but then they don't the next time. And I keep searching.

We sometimes put so much pressure on someone else to understand us when we don't understand ourselves. We don't know ourselves.

I used to think I knew me. But maybe that was back then....when there wasn't much about me that needed to be known. Maybe I changed... Maybe we're all constantly changing.

Then, I was given questions to ask myself. It was surprising but, I couldn't answer them as fast as I thought I could. Few questions took me many days to answer and the conclusion it led me to believe was this.... Even I don't know myself, then why do I expect others to? Even I don't understand my motives and emotions that well, how will others do?

Sometimes I act all mysterious and don't even give people opportunities to get to know me. Then I complain no-one understands? What the heck, man. 

But it's true, some of us don't allow people to understand us and so we end up misunderstood. 

Give people a chance, some may let you down....some may try their best but still not understand while some will....those are the ones you need to keep in your life. 

A professor once gave us a hypothetical example of a stranger coming up to us and telling us our friend is terrible and a total loser. Many raised their hands when asked who all will start arguing with him/her against it.

But I laughed to myself and said, "What does that random passer-by know anything about my friend? He/she knows nothing and so their comment holds no value to me. I'd walk by."

When I was a little smaller.... The opinions of others bothered me a lot. I would take every comment very personal. I'd get hurt or embarrassed very easily. But now, I think to myself about many such things....."What do they know about me? Nothing."

I really got used to the whole 'asking myself questions to know myself' thing. And got a little more used to asking myself why.

The world doesn't seem all that cold-hearted anymore. I don't feel the scary dread of not being understood by everyone, all the time. "Because I deserve love and care, even if it is from myself", that's what someone awesome once told me.

I'll keep these words in my diary and soul forever. Because the world isn't so cold anymore, if I'm a good friend to me.

No-one knows or understands me completely and I don't either. That's alright. A little mystery makes life a little more interesting.

Bubbling creativity

One of the reasons I sometimes don't pursue writing or any creative field as much as I want to and as much as people say I should is because I'm afraid of running out of ideas.

Creativity is not encouraged much in our educational system. And originality is not nurtured.

We love to copy the ones we idolize.

But in order to be the idol or the creator of something amazing.... This is a skill that has to be mastered.

I like to think I'm very creative. And I try to be as authentic as I can be.

The way I keep my creative juices flowing and bubbling away is honestly, peculiar.
We all have strange patterns to get things done. And one of the ways I achieve creativity is by learning.
I know that sounds dull and boring.
But don't you ever realise why we get such good ideas while studying? And feel so inspired to do everything else while studying?

I take advantage of this for my gain.
Just another good reason to study well.

I remember once when my friend needed help with writing a speech and I was on a study break. I was so tired of the studying that I gave her such amazing ideas that she was amazed at me. That was the day I realized, studying can be used for my creative powers as well.

Another way I use to pump up my  creative muscle is by writing a diary. I write about my day, how I feel, something cool I discovered, etc. There are days where I just write and write everything that comes in my mind about a particular topic that came up during my day. This is fun and I enjoy reading them later.
Also, it's a great way for people in the future to read about your life... Besides of course, having a blog.

Creativity is awesome. You find multiple solutions easily and think differently from most people.
Many of us creative people may end up in creative jobs.

But for me, I'll be happy with either.... Or even both, cause, one side always ends up supplementing the other.

A normal summer day

Time goes slow, yet the days go fast.
There's no race to reach on time in the mornings anymore.... At least for now.
I wake up late in the morning. No, I'm not sick, just lazy.
Doing everything in slow-motion.

My to-do lists are filled with hobbies.
My movies to watch is a list, ever extending. And we keep making plans with friends and family we love to be around. Our golden days in the sun are spent with people we love.

Everyday is a day to chill out and relax. I look out of my window and see the trees happily sway in the sunshine as the wind blows vigorously. They seem to be enjoying their summer too. That's good. I'm with you in that, nature.

I realize that I'm spending more time in front of screens. Also, I'm rediscovering my love for art... Both to create them myself and appreciate art done by others.
It's an aesthetic fiesta and nature too is participating, with all its flowers and bushes, berries and leaves out in pastel colors... Though some plants are bold with their darker shades... A total showstopper.

A nice glass of tang or a cone of ice-cream restores me of lost energy I spent, after every outing in the hot summer heat.

I'd light incense sticks and candles in the evening and have a moment to write down all my thoughts into paper. The day turns into the night and the sky is still blue.... Though, a deeper shade. Don't you look at it and wonder of all the things that are to be revealed? At all the things that are to come... Come soon, good things.... Come soon, great things. Come and join me in my summer celebrations.

You will heal

Few weeks back, I read about the experience a lady had, when she was molested as a child and how the wounds in her heart have never healed nor ever will.
I wanted to tell her so many things.
But I understand at the same time, about how it feels to be in such a situation.
It's a common situation but it isn't normal.

I learnt it very early on, that there was something wrong with being a girl. But later I realized that there was something wrong with the way the world sees you, as a girl. The voice echos in our heads like it's our own... It isn't.

We sometimes imagine the one thing that could help is justice in these situations. We love to throw the blame on the other for hurting us and keep on being just that...The one who was hurt and nothing else.

But it isn't about whose fault is.
Even when justice has been served, the one thing that remains the same, is the damage that has been done.
The question here is, are you willing to take the responsibility of wanting to be healed of the wrong that has been done to you? And to take the necessary steps towards that healing process?

But yes, by all means, do punish the criminal. It may not automatically heal you completely, but at least the crime won't be crime against another by the same person.

Justice does help, definitely. But it didn't change the past.

As women, as humans, we tend to severely underestimate our potential to heal. But I'm here to tell you that you will.

You were in this place before... Maybe not as bad, maybe it wasn't this hard before. But you did come out of it.

One very awesome lesson that a book taught me, was healing. The book was, "Anne of green gables".
Life does offer healing. And so does your body.... And guess what? The heart is a part of the body. (what a shocker)
Allow yourself to receive that healing.
And oh my gosh, believe that you will heal.
I believe in you.

In Search for the Truth in religion

When I was thirteen I went through a phase in which I didn't believe in religion nor god. I had lots of questions and I wanted answers.
When I asked for an answer, no-one ever gave me one that completely cleared my doubts.

I'd be yelled at for asking those questions in the first place. I was encouraged to have blind faith in what my group told me to believe in.

But I was a rebellious kid. I kept questioning. My curious mind didn't leave me alone either. So I kept offending people with my questions.

People who listen and answer your questions without getting offended, are a gem. But I didn't find many of those. I love to sit down and chat respectfully regarding these things. Because I don't mind being wrong as long as you give me good reasons. 

I mostly found my answers via reading several related articles on the internet, reading the Bible for myself, researching for information on the history of Christianity and other world religions.
The key is to look for answers in both sides... Look for answers supporting your view and against your view... Then merge your findings to create a well-founded belief.

I do understand that uncomfortable feeling when we find a good argument against what we believe in.

The sentence hits you like a train. You've lived in the shadows for way too long. The sun is out now... The truth is....and you're avoiding it in the moment. You can't believe your eyes. You've forgotten what it feels like to be under the sun. The darkness is more comfortable, the darkness of ignorance and denial is. 

At times, reality is too hard of a pill to swallow. But still swallow it.... Still come out in the sun. It's alright here. It's perfectly alright. As the sun hits your skin, you feel more alive than you've ever felt before. The truth embraces you and you embrace the truth....go now, you've been made free.

There's a lot of opposing beliefs on religion out there. So go out and find the truth for yourselves. There's too many people telling too many people on what to believe in. Leaders are good. But you are the captain of your life... You should be in charge.
Researching about your beliefs only strengthens them if found to be true. And well, if it's a lie... Do you want to waste more of your time believing it? Do you want people to continue to take advantage of your ignorance?

I'm not saying believe in who or what I believe in. I'm telling you to go in search of the truth yourselves.

Besides, I don't have all the answers. My questions keep shaking my own faith and beliefs many a times still. Blind faith isn't great, knowledge is power. Knowledge is your superpower, not ignorance.

How to easily learn French

    I've been studying French since the past few years. It all started back in my high school days, but I hated it back then. Giving myself some time, I really began appreciating the process of language learning and so I resumed learning the language, this time on my own, via an app called, “Duolingo”.

After that, I liked French and therefore, I decided to take it up again by studying it in the formal education system (since we had that option).

As a student, I get bored easily. Even when it comes to studying subjects I like. But I also wanted to do well and so I tried many ways to learn this language. Here are the best ways I found to learn French :

1. Establish why you want to learn the language 

Is it for travel? Is it for impressing your friends? Is it to get a good grade? Is it just for the sake of learning something new?

Get to know why you want to do something so that in times you feel demotivated, you can remind yourself why you took it up in the first place.   

2. Duolingo

If you wish to learn the basics thoroughly, this is a good way to. It's also helpful to get your vocabulary nice and sharp. You will get familiar with French words which will enable you to take up bigger, greater challenges in the language.

3. Watch a French show in a genre you enjoy

Or a show you already like, but in French. Use no subtitles at all. This makes you force your brain to listen attentively to the way words are pronounced and the conversations one can have in the language. It helps you with your sentence structure, keeps you interested and helps you speak the language for real.

I used to watch “The adventures of the Miraculous Ladybug and Chat Noir”. It was awesome. I highly recommend.

4. Study a little everyday

The difference between learning a language versus any other subject is the fact that you can learn other subjects the day before and probably manage passing a test on it. But when it comes to languages, you can't really do that.

So do learn a little everyday, even if it's just for 15 minutes. Just make sure, it's 15 minutes of dedicated study time.

5. Write things you would normally write… In French.

Your shopping lists, your planner, your diary… at least a few words/sentences will be helpful for you. This ties the language to your everyday life.

6. Google translate

This goes without saying. Download the offline French pack also if you need to. I can't explain how helpful this application has been to me. Most of the translations are extremely accurate. If not, there's always a dictionary.

7. When translating passages from French…

Try to find out the meaning for each word… Don't just blindly write all the translated sentences.

8. Travel to a French speaking place if you can

I went to Pondicherry. I went for a mass there in French. There were also many native French speakers around the place. I felt super dumb for not understanding much anything they spoke. But it was a wonderful experience, it reminded me of the fact that when it comes to fluency, it's an ongoing journey, I mean, I've been learning English since I was a child and I still learn new words every other day!

9. The curse of the similar words

French and English have lots of similar words that confuse me. Even within the French language there's similar words. Polish yourself in these areas, as they surely play tricks on your brain.

10. Try speaking it

Start with one/two word responses and work your way to more advanced  sentences. I'm still working on this one.

11. Switch the language on your phone to French.

I'm not talking about keyboard language….that would be cool too. I'm talking about your whole device. Try it out for a few days. See if you survive. (Try this out only once you're moderately knowledgeable of the language.)

Learning French is great. And so is learning other languages.

You could try these tips in combinations or use all of them. Tell me how it goes using the contact form/comment section below.

Did you find this post helpful? Do you have any other ideas to learn this language? Please let me know. 

*Please note : I said "How to easily learn French". Learning a language can't happen overnight.

Know more about my French Tuition

Do you want a war?

The news plastered it everywhere. India and Pakistan is in a soup. Everyone formed their opinions on the matter and got drunk on fear.

What if a war really does breakout?

War is a reality, unfortunately, for many of the people around the world. It's their normal routine. It's their "same old story"....day in and day out.

I don't want to live in the uncertainty of whether or not a war will begin and kill everyone including me. And I don't want anyone to live in such uncertainty.

Some people who may never see the effects of war may think it's just a game... "Blow them up, who cares? We're stronger, right?"

Wrong, it's being cowardly. Only a coward will hide in their comfort while young innocents waste their life killing other young innocents for the sake of showing who's the boss. Cowards hide behind a gun many a times.

It's so stupid. Yet some people around wanted war.
They wanted death. They wanted revenge. All for what?
For nothing.

There has been countless number of art forms and literature created to just show how foolish people are when they advocate for war and blood shed. But people aren't convinced.

How many more lives are to go down this path before we realize the value of human life? How many?

War makes things worse and it just doesn't create the atmosphere to love each other...no, not at all.

It's just one of the extreme effects of the "Us v/s Them" mentality.

I dream of the day, we all come together and put our guns and bombs down into a ditch and bury it forever. Life can be lived in harmony, even with people you disagree with. All that is necessary is respect.....mutual respect and a desire to understand.

Marbles

She was sitting and staring at the outside world through her window. A pen in one hand, a notebook in the other. The soft salty wind was blowing. She was enjoying it thoroughly, though the pages of her book was empty. She was facing the sea. Imagining how close she was to it and it being full of life and mystery, thrilled her.

Then she recalled wanting to clean up and organize some of her belongings.
As she took boxes out, she found a box she loved dearly but always underestimated how much she did... It was a box full of marbles.

When she was smaller, she would play with them, making designs on the floor tiles. Mostly admiring it's beauty.

She did so that day as well, when she found it again. She admired the crystal domes once again. Time moved slowly around her. She lost track of it. She's a simple girl like that, gets amused with the simplest of things.
Then, she thought of a marvelous idea, she held a marble in front of the distant object in the sky, the sun. How could it not occur to her before? Could it be true?
Each of the marbles having an entire sea enclosed inside of it.

The hobby of Song-writing

I'm a girl of many hobbies. Most of which, remain dormant for years sometimes because I don't have enough time to do everything anymore. School days were cool like that cause I actually had the time.

Whenever I see evidence of my old hobbies, I sometimes get surprised by how cool I used to be. I mean, I still am. But maybe not as creative as I was back then. 
One particularly cool hobby I used to have was song-writing. It was my way of expressing really restless feelings. I'd feel relieved every time I wrote a song. It was like an accomplishment...like a certificate I wrote myself.

When I smaller, I used to listen to my favorite artists like Kesha, Flo Rida and Pitbull. But there was something very satisfying to me about playing my own songs on the guitar while I sang it. It didn't have the luxurious or hip background music, nor an experienced professional singer singing it. But it was very personal and that made it special. I knew the artist, I was the artist.

Even till date when I play my old songs, I feel younger pearl sitting beside me and listening to her masterpiece.

I mean, yes, we are the same person.
But our personalities and interests are so different.
The things I used to prioritize by writing songs about, now, I don't value anymore. It's not that I don't value those songs though.
It's a reminder that I've grown.

A little piece of the past, you know.

Sometimes I wonder if I should get it officially recorded in a studio. Try selling them. Share them with the world.
But some part of me just wants to keep it to myself.
Leave it like that... Personal. Mine and only mine.

I await the grand summer holidays right now to try and write songs again. Things and people I value right now. All for the future self that seeks to be reminded of who she was.

Validation

It's all he ever wanted. Him, a stranger sitting next to me...as we both heard all the things that has always been said to us. I felt his anger. I felt his boredom. I too felt it boil  in me. My blood is boiling from their stereotypes of our generation. He's tapping his feet in nervousness. He wants to leave and this has only just begun. I want to leave too.

I see the pain in his eyes when I look over at him. He's desperate for change and so am I. But they are the ones who call us rebels when they are the ones who lack understanding...they, only distancing us further. And further we go and further away we shall stay. We don't need your validation.

Originally written on 1st November.

Paradox

Clothes that do no clothe,
Friends that make you feel alone
Bored with so much to do

Filled pockets, empty souls
Fake originals, true lies
How can we celebrate nature using radioactive metallic rectangles?

It's pretty sad and messed up
But I should know
Tears are shed only for attention sometimes

Don't point out at me
I weep in solitude
And so does my heart soar when I'm alone
Because no one knows happiness anymore

Social media that makes us unsocial
Bodies that tire doing nothing
Beautiful faces everywhere but rarely any beautiful souls

Every man in a suit,
But not one gentleman
Freedom in chains, selfish charity

Are these the days they hoped for us?
Out of prisons into new ones
Out of love into hate
"It's my life, I'll do what I want to", they say
And then return to carry on in bondage

Papers are fine, hands are cut
God is ridiculed but darkness is "cool"
Society is absurd I say
This paradox that has been accepted as "normal"

Originally Published in the Andrannual 2016-2017

A perfect world

What if the world as you know it today....all the chaos, scandals, disasters and crime just suddenly disappear overnight?
Imagine that world of perfection. No more problems, the absolute definition of most people's perfect world... A happening reality.

Sounds beautiful, doesn't it?

But here's the flip side.... Would we be happy then? And does a perfect world ensure perfectly satisfied people? Would that finally calm our restless hearts?
 
Or would a perfect world be a problem by itself?

Does everything that we consider virtuous, beautiful and right.... Once achieved...actually produce everlasting happiness in people?

I love striving for perfection, most of us do, intentionally or unintentionally.
But if perfection was already achieved...What would our purpose on this planet be then?

Maybe we'd go into depression over not being able to improve human lives and the world.

Then again, achieving perfection in every respect is a just a dream, because as humans advance, we desire higher standards of perfection, from ourselves, others and what fate decides.

Maybe, just maybe, our problems give us reason enough to live, work and see them get solved. Our problems give us hope and purpose.

Let the tears flow

When asked what's the best thing about being a girl, I say that I am allowed to express myself emotionally without much fear of judgment....which is pretty true especially when expressing sadness in the form of tears.

However, as a young kid, I remember telling myself not to cry.... "Why?" you ask?
Cause I didn't want to be seen as weak, cause there's the stereotype that girls cry and are, therefore, weak. So I wasn't really letting any expectation down if I cried, but I still wouldn't.

I repressed a lot of such negative feelings in the past. But bottling emotions, only created more tension and I'd end up erupting once in while....all the negative emotional stuff.

Recently, I've come to realize that it is unrealistic to be happy all the time.
Many people would agree that it'd be nice to feel happy and hopeful all their lives. But life's tough, okay? And there isn't any shame in being a human with feelings. (Congrats if you are, cause we need more people like you)

Once, a few years back, when I was particularly sad and was crying out to God to take away all my feelings, I remember God telling me that happiness too is a feeling, did I want Him to take that away too?

Of course, it's expected to want to avoid negative feelings. It makes us feel uncomfortable. It even makes other people around us feel uncomfortable.

But maybe we're only uncomfortable because we've not accepted those feelings in ourselves. And that's where the discomfort comes from.

What's so wrong with crying anyway? I can't have it together all the time, No-one can.
It's obvious that I got over my fear of being seen as weak when I cry. Because I learnt that it's normal to.

Anger, sadness, frustration, guilt, fear and anxiety are negative emotions, yes, but to feel and express them in moderation is no crime. Especially sadness, because many avoid it like the plague.
Feelings are just that... Feelings.
They don't make you weak. (Yes, even guys who cry aren't weak)
They don't make you a bad person.
Each of them serve a function. (You could Google it, it's really cool)
They tell us when something is wrong, either with people, situations or maybe even ourselves.

Expressing your feelings properly actually make you feel less burdened by them. It makes you emotionally stronger because you're not afraid of your feelings anymore. It helps you to be there for people going through tough times. And it actually makes you be seen as stronger to some. People feel accepted and understood around you. And so, in return, others don't feel afraid of expressing their feelings around you.

Go into a quiet room, shut the door, sit by yourself, recall something that really hurt you but you never really expressed your sadness about it, cry it out and then move on.
(Be comfortable with your own tears first.)

Tears aren't that big of a deal as people say they are. Trust me, it's only their problem if it is.

An isolated place

Only today I realized how quiet this city could be. It was so quiet that it was almost scary. I'm totally not used to it.

Lonely streets and chilly winds blowing, I could only imagine the worst mayhem that could take place then and there. The chaos can be loud, but it lets me know that something is going on, if not nothing.

The trees offered me sufficient shade but I didn't take it. The people offered me enough mystery but I rejected it.

I really noticed the details, the passing crowds, the useless rickshaws that asked me if I needed them.... I didn't.

Why are things the way they are? Why does it seem there's always so much happening but not here and now?
Maybe they are happening but I'm busy being out of the reach of messagers who tell me everything but what I want to hear.

People can be disappointing. And some places bring out the memories of such difficult people.
But thankfully not all my memories of are bad and most are good to me.  

Like this place here, a place I've isolated for a long time.
Coming back here is like time travel. I still remember when you walked down this road and stood there beside me. I would like you to be here even now.
But wherever you are, the choice you've made or life made for you, I hope you're happy...no, happier.

Travel diary : Few days ago