Happenings (From the bad comes good)

It's how it has been. Whenever I find myself defeated in life, I read pages from my old diaries. No matter how much pain is buried in there...I read them. Even through the toughest days, there were good days. Like some beams of light in a ditch. Few, but that little light became so much more valuable because of the vast darkness that had surrounded me.

It's the broken pieces that make me. The broken pieces are the experiences of the things that had been before it was completely destroyed. I pick up the broken pieces and use them to complete the big picture...my life. Because I know I needed something more...something more to make this life meaningful. And these broken pieces became my something more.

As I read my old diaries I gather strength from the past. I did it then, I can it now. I can move on from the people that held me down.

Throughout my whole life I've experienced a lot of toxic friendships. Whether those friendships lasted a few weeks or years, it nearly always left me thinking whether it was my fault that we aren't friends today. But in time I learnt the truth about these things, some things happen to us for a reason. Not to break us down and slowly kill us, but to make us mature and to teach us valuable life lessons.

Many people have left my life so far. And it used to hurt me for a long time that I couldn't make them stay in my life. But now I realize it wasn't because of my fault or theirs. It because that's how life is sometimes. We'll never know of the better that's gonna come if we keep holding on to the past "ok". We have much more waiting for us in the future.

And this reminds me of the time when I began again from a toxic friendship. The damage made me believe that whoever I come across is gonna treat me the same way. But guess what? There are better people who'll treat you better than they (your toxic friend) never tried to.

You can try this for yourself, when you're hung up over something that happened, don't look only at the problem but look at the bigger picture. This hurt that they have caused you is going to heal eventually and make you a better person, stronger and wiser.

Ultimate treasure

I guess it's some kind of pressure that has been shoved down on us since we were born. To go with the crowd because it seemed safe, to buy things that people found good, to go places that people liked. I guess that's how it is. Going through the well-traveled trail always seemed like the best option.

We rely on people too much to make our life choices sometimes. And mostly the path they choose for us isn't suitable for us. But yet we give them the freedom to make us live our life on their standards.

There's a saying about hypnotism that goes....One cannot hypnotize you if you don't trust them. So why do we trust them? Why do we depend on others' option so much?

Well....I guess it's just human nature. We're social beings. But does that mean we need to constantly seek approval from someone else? When was the last time you took a good selfie and stared at it thinking to yourself how beautiful you looked? Or did you just post it on social media hoping your crush, your friends, your family and your colleagues will "like" it?

When was the last time you decided to spend some time with your friends for the joy of it without taking pictures with them to take advantage of their followers and popularity? Or are y'all just friends because it's convenient for you? Because their friendship makes you socially acceptable? Because you accept yourself only if you have a fake friendship?

There's joy in seeking out adventures for yourself. Trying out new things. Having new experiences. Challenging yourself. No matter how small and insignificantly boring it may be to others...just do it, not for them, for you. It could just mean reading a good old book, or going to the beach by yourself, or it could just be spending your Saturday evening drowning in your own thoughts. Anything! But do things for yourself once in a while. Take pictures but don't just share them....treasure them! Not for what it looks like but for the joy of the moment. And later when these things have become the past, look back at these memories and experiences.... And smile. For these things are your ultimate treasure.

The start of something new

30 minutes to 5 o'clock....that's when I first felt the excitement, that the two most toughest school years was coming to an end. 

Before this minute my head was buried in my textbooks. I didn't know this feeling before I felt it. Maybe in smaller amounts....but never the way I felt right now. 

9th standard and 10th standard were both tough. The only way to the other side was prayer and hard work. And that was exactly what I had done. Sacrificing all my fun for my studies. I had forgotten what true happiness felt like probably. 

There I was....in the old desks of my exam center.....staring at my completed french paper, my last SSC board paper. 

A smile and an uncontrollable energy came to me. I felt like screaming out of the happiness. That moment was truly beautiful...the moment I realized that I had reached the other side that I had been working hard for. My summer had finally come, My summer of summers.

I looked at the other students in the exam hall. All their faces were cheerful and bright. I noticed the relief on their faces. Our SSC boards were finally over! The exams that lasted for nearly four whole weeks were finally done! 

The 10-minute warning bell rang. I nearly couldn't believe it. I quickly checked my answers one last time and then stared at my watch hoping the last five minutes would go by soon. It was the longest five minutes of my life. While revising before my exam, the time seemed to go so quickly, like sand through my fingers....but now? I had to just wait. 

The hot wind was blowing. A swaying window frame at the hall hit its wooden casing. We all got startled. That's when someone's watch beeped for 5 o'clock. I knew now that it was just the matter of a couple of seconds for my last SSC exam to end. 

The bell rang. It sounded like soft harps to my ears. The supervisor started to collect the papers. A wide smile came on my face as I gave her my paper. The friction of a second when I gave my paper, I felt as if a boulder was taken off of my shoulders. I giggled. 

Later while I was walking out of the premises I realised something.....this is the start of my summer.....The start of a new chapter of my life.....The start of something new! 

Night thoughts (Be in the present)

Last night as I was laying down in bed trying to drown myself into my imagination in order for me to fall asleep. ...I thought of something I had never before. Until that very moment I had always thought or imagined about things in the future that I wanted to happen. Things I knew that would probably never come true. Those were the things I expected my life to be like.....easy,  comfortable and perfect  in every way possible.

What else could I imagine? Escaping into the thoughts of a better future made me fool my mind to feel like it was reality. Life isn't the way you see it in movies.... you can't see "the happy ending" in 2 hours or less. It's longer and much more stressful to go through all your problems to see what is beyond the valley of darkness. 

My mind went blank for some time. The silence grew loud. I closed my eyes to listen to the sound of silence. Nights before this I only imagined impossible scenarios in my head.
But not this time, this time I focused on my present self. About the present. About how so many beautiful and horrible things are going on in my life. And me, just here, fully aware and trusting in God to get me through.

Life hasn't ever got me thinking  this way ever before like it did last night. Maybe I've grown up from my past mistakes, maybe I'm stronger now, maybe....maybe... 
But maybe I'm just the same person I was before. Escaping in the thoughts of the things to come, hoping  they'll be better than my present, thus ruining the very capacity of getting me to the place I wanna see myself in. Yes, by over -thinking. So Yeah, maybe I'm still immature and a late bloomer. But is it late?  Or have I found the key to complete the mystery of my life?  I guess I'm just one step closer....one step closer to figuring myself out.

Thinking about the present might not seem very clever to do. But realizing the value of the present just could be. Cause no-one can change the future by worrying about it. You can only change your future by what you do in the present.


These were my thoughts from last night.  The present is a present. Don't cram the mind at night thinking about tomorrow or the future. It will happen how it needs to. Focus in the moment. For right now, will never return.