Stuck in the middle

Few years back, I wanted to feel special so I bought a book on sale called, "Are you one in a million? - Peter Hewkin".

Turns out the book's numbers are based in UK.
And guess where live? India. 
Great. Just great.

Good thing it was on sale.

Anyway, this rather funny incident where I made a fool of myself, made me start observing probability and uniqueness. My observations over the years, led me to realize something really strange...

It's about how everyone (including me) want to be in life. 
We want to be unique, special and important when it comes to cool qualities or success.
But we don't want to be unique when it comes to disasters and chronic diseases. 
For example, Person A wants to be unique enough to top the class but not be unique enough to get a rare incurable disease.
Get it now?

Isn't that strange?
Though the reason is probably our human nature. We love to avoid trouble and aspire for good things of life.
Maybe life's about finding a balance, being somewhere in between. 
I'm pretty average.
And that may just be a good thing.

Booked

I've been told that I keep way too many personal books. And today when I stacked all of them up for this blog post, I see why.

I have 9 different books I keep for different purposes.
And today I shall share with you some of the formats and themes of these books.

So if you have an empty book lying somewhere in your house and you're feeling kind of creative, go ahead, make yourself a book. Or a journal... Whatever you may want to call it. And be more aware of your thoughts, your interests and yourself in general.

1. The Classic Diary
This journal has nothing much to explain. It's the good old diary journaling. In it, exists all your thoughts and daily experiences.
I write almost anything and everything in my diary...from rants to lovely experiences, my day or even to-do lists. Sometimes I even write out quotes.. My quotes, mind you.
This is like a miscellaneous book about your life.
At times, I even write about my life in third person... Which is... Fun, I guess to me?

2. The Song and Poetry book.
I used to write songs as a kid, so this book contains all of them... Or all that I want to remember cause the rest are trash or I've forgotten it before it reached a paper.
It also contains poems and poetic deep thoughts, analogies. I've tried to write scripts too but that was an utter failure cause I got bored.
I like to write the date I wrote it and I also have a column for any extra remarks like... What was the situation in which I wrote it or who I wrote it for.

3. Universal learner
I like to study about random subjects that intrigue me during my vacations and pass times. So I made a book for it so I could have everything in one place. This book of mine consists of lessons I've learnt on YouTube and Google searches on philosophy, grammar rules, C++ codes and HTML tags.

4. Doodle book
I used to doodle a lot on my textbooks until I realized that I'd have to give those textbooks away after the academic term... Along with my previous doodles. So? I made a book specifically for my doodles during school/college hours. Not really to be used during actual lectures (unless your teacher is fine with it and you don't mind studying the same topic at home again)... But during break time or free lectures.
I'm currently using my 3rd or 4th doodle book.

5. Miracle journal
I began to write this book after seasons of discouragement where I felt like God didn't do anything and has never answered any of my prayers. It's like a gratitude journal but.... You say statements like, "Thank you God for ________".
I actually like to begin with what the issue was then I write out the miracle in between two stars...to put emphasis on how God handled the situation. It doesn't matter how small the miracle was.... What matters is that God took care of it... Whether or not you prayed for the miracle or not.
Once I started writing this book, I realized the many ways God's hand was on my life and I felt God's presence more deeply. And this helps me to be hopeful for the unanswered prayers of my life and the waiting period that it requires.
The more we recognize God in the answered prayers, the more we learn to trust Him for the ones He hasn't answered yet.

6. Travel journal
This is a relatively smaller book so that it can be taken along the journey. Though I don't take it out when I travel actually. (cause I'm afraid of losing it)
In this book, I write the dates and timings of my travel, with whom I traveled with or who all I met, where it was, how I went there, how much I spent, what I ate and a description of the entire experience.
Some of these travels aren't even all that great... It could be just going to the bookstore yourself. But the fact that I traveled somewhere besides the places I usually go to.. Makes it worth saving in my book.

7. Faith journal
Yes, by now its obvious that I'm Christian.
So here I write down favorite reflections I've read from the daily readings, cool prayers from the internet, favorite psalms, topics I've researched on, my faith journey for a time period, Pastor Joseph prince sermon points, talks I've heard at youth meetings, my own revelations, titles of Jesus and pointers of Christian articles/videos I've seen online.
It helps me know where I've been in my faith journey and keeps all the resources I need in one place so I can refer to it when I need to.

8. Life goals and favorites book
I'm pretty sure it would've been better if these were two separate books but it's fine... I wanted to save the amount of books I spend doing my random things with.
Life goals... Here I write down all the things I want to do at least once in my life.  Some of these are pretty lame, like, "make it through a whole lollipop without biting it".
And some of these may take a lot of time to achieve, like, "be financially independent".
While some of these are just to have fun, "Sing to the sea at the beach".
There are some challenges here too, like, "Talk to a new person everyday for 10 days."
The possibilities here are endless and they make life fun.

Favorites book.... I list down all the books, movies and songs I've listened to and liked... Or even remotely liked. It helps me keep track of my interests and I can see them change over time. 

9. Book of secrets
In this book, I write down all my favorite quotes, rules I keep for myself, my boundaries, dating standards, passwords  and other secrets.

Extra tips
-always keep an index
-use different fonts, stickers and colored pens
-keep them safely away from nosey people
-don't feel bad if you don't regularly use your books. Use them as and when you please. It's your book, you make the rules.
-begin small... In quantity or quality. See if you can handle keeping one such book first then gradually increase.
-try not to mix contents too much. It may get confusing when you actually want to go back and read your books then.

So now, it's upto you. Do you feel inspired to write a book for yourself too?

Food isn't the enemy

I experience....social anxiety while eating.
This post is a reminder to me and to all who suffer from similar problems while eating, that says the obvious (that isn't so obvious at times).... Food is not the enemy.

Food isn't an enemy. It's a friend. I don't care about how many people told you otherwise. It doesn't make it true. Food will help you do everything you need to, by giving you the strength, nutrition and repair that your body needs.
People may have made you feel small and insignificant cause of what? Eating slowly? Eating less? That's ridiculous. Cause there's obviously more to life than just eating.
Some have even tried to make you jealous by how fast and how much they can eat. But there's no shame in knowing your limits and sticking to it... You know how much you can eat and you don't overdo it. You shouldn't pressure your body to take in so much food when it doesn't want as much. It's alright. It's great to know about yourself.

People pretend to know you.... Know why you're skinny... Know why you eat in the time duration you do. But they don't know anything.
And maybe I know they don't know me at all, nor what they're saying.... But it still hurts.

Because I thought we were cool. I thought you were my friend. Maybe the hurt I feel is my shattered expectation of that person being decent and respectful of me.
Because it would literally kill some people to think of others for a change.

Turns out, even I don't know those people all that well. Cause who knows about their insecurities? Maybe this is just one way they get to be better than me in something.

I'll let this one slide.

I may have had a bad relationship with food throughout my life. This weird hatred for food, fueled by my insecurities, thoughts on how it seemed to define me in front of others, comments, unsolicited advise and so on, had led me to feel so anxious while eating.

Well the truth is, it doesn't matter. The way I eat, how much I eat, how slowly I eat... doesn't matter at all.
What matters is that I'm healthy.
What matters are the cherished memories I share of my loved ones during meals. What matters is all the people who have willingly listened to me explain to them about my eating problem and have taken me seriously. What matters is the enjoyment I aim to have at every meal no matter who is there and what they will say about my eating choices. Because I already know and choose what's best for me and body and your hurtful comments aren't.

I really look forward to the day eating becomes something very casual and stress-free for me. But until then, I can always try, right?

Plus, good people aren't always fast eaters.... Just saying.

Genie : What do you desire?

Genie says,
"People may look down on me for the bad wishes they make for themselves. And the rest, I guess they're just jealous.

I smell like metal cause of all the time I've spent in my lamp. But I'm telling you, I'm not a machine, despite the way people forget me in their own selfish demands no matter how much it taxes me to give them what they desire.

What do you desire? What do you truly desire?

You seem so sure of what you want. But what if that's not what will satisfy your heart?
Why do you think you know so well?

I'm a genie. I've seen my masters and mistresses, for centuries, wishing for things that don't bring them what they really wanted... And that is, happiness.

But who am I to say anything? My job is only to give you what you think you need.

Some ask me how life is in my lamp....if I feel crammed up in that small space there...if there's anything I keep there.
It's like I'm asleep when I'm not busy granting wishes... I have no possessions but I'll give you everything you ask.

I have nothing to do but to serve you. And I do enjoy people realizing the greed of their hearts and what that turns into. I enjoy people being disappointed and empty by reaching their goals without the lessons and character building of the journey. But I'm sure everyone will realize one day, it doesn't take much to be happy.
Trust me, take it from a genie."

Just for a while

He had been away for a while. Felt like floating away for a while.
Get out of his head, all crammed up with incomplete activities, unsuccessful relationships, blurry memories...all while not realizing the many good things he had set into motion by everything he had done right, even if it didn't work out very well for him in the short run. 

He looked over his short life and saw all the people he had come across, every soul he had loved, every art piece he appreciated, every part of him that he learnt to accept. He looked over them and thought, "Wow, things I thought wouldn't ever work out.....did, but I was too busy stressing about the next problem that popped up that I didn't take the time to congratulate myself."
And so, he did just that. Even if it was for just a while. 

For that moment he spent with himself, gave him the calm to face the storms of today and the uncertainties of tomorrow.

Just a little while longer, in this state. Just for a little while let him appreciate all the things he has done right. Let him just be. 

And when he opened his eyes again, he saw in his diaries, written in the different phases of his evolving soul that, every phase he had been in, made him into a better fuller person every time.....Every piece fit together.