Cyclone Tauktae came at a time when the Indian people were already exhausted with the 2nd wave of the Covid-19 pandemic. It sent thunder and heavy to light rains to the entire country. It devastated lives and livelihoods. And it really made worse an already grim situation in our country. The cyclone passed near Mumbai city day before yesterday and brought with it terrible winds, heavy rains and a scary combo of thunder and lightning.
In the locality I live in, we had thunders and rain throughout the day, as well as aggressive winds. The huge tree outside, clapped its leaves with the winds as it tried to hold itself up. Many leaves fell, many branches as well. Thankfully, no fatalities here. When I opened my window, I was horrified by the way the winds were making that tree sway so violently, doors and windows of my neighbours banged and swayed along.
When the night came, it was a sleepless one. I spent an hour or two overthinking about everything. I had written in my diary before bed. And some of those sentences kept looming in my mind. I always get annoyed when I don’t have pen and paper near me during these times. I get so inspired when I relax and think in bed. I was trying my best to calm my thoughts to sleep. And once I did…
The loudest thunder crash of my life decided to show up and ruin it.
I woke up with a freight…screaming and crying. I had the most intense panic attack ever. I had had panic attacks before due to nightmares. But never like this. Never have I heard myself cry like that. I was scared of my own cries. I gasping for air….my heart, racing. I felt pain in my chest. I was shivering with fear. My whole life flashed in front of me when the lightning had struck. I seriously thought I was struck by lightning. I can remember the sounds of my scream-crying as I type out this piece. My reaction is still unbelievable to me. I didn’t know what was happening to me or what was happening around me.
Anxiety and panic attacks are very similar. Panic attacks are more severe and tend to happen suddenly. Anxiety attacks gradually come in and range from mild to severe. The symptoms of each of these attacks are also very different and thus the way of dealing with them, differ as well. (to read more about this, click on the link in the references)
My mom came to the bedroom to see what was all the commotion about. I hugged her and asked her to sing something to calm me down from my panic and breathlessness. She sang me a hymn and after around 10 minutes, my breathing slowly stabilized. Listening to her heartbeat and singing helped me overcome this episode of panic. After I calmed down a bit, I still felt awfully scared of the lightning. I was too scared to live! That’s when this thought came to mind: Is it better to just die in a frightening situation than to live with a trauma?
For a while the lightning kept crashing, though they were softer than the one that had awoken me, I was scared of its random lights and every conductor of electricity around me….water and metal. I even felt scared to approach the area near the windows, for fear of getting electrocuted.
I imagined how death by lightning would feel like, and it was a horrible thought.
Plans changed. Instead of trying to fall asleep, I tried my best to not sleep. I shut my ears with my hands and curled up in a fetal position even when there wasn’t any lightning happening at that moment.
Every thought turned rancid. Every attempt to calm myself down with beautiful imagery failed as my newly traumatised brain turned it into a morbid version of the thought.
Lying down in bed last night made me wonder if I’ll always be afraid of thunder and lightning. I also was embarrassed by the way I scream-cried. I thought about everything as I desperately tried my best not to fall asleep. Though, it was something to get scared of, right? I judged and then corrected myself. It really was a scary occurrence. I need to be kinder to myself. I removed my hands off my ears and laid down in a more relaxed comfortable position.
I googled more about the cyclone and tracked where it had reached. I went on Instagram and laughed at cute dog videos. I looked at my windows to spot lightning and then covered my ears promptly when I saw one. It almost looked like will-o-wisps when small ones came. I was honestly scared my fear would cause me hallucinate some scary fictional beings.
The sun was starting to rise and I saw the gradients of white change through my windows. When it was 8 am and wasn’t thundering anymore, I decided to sleep.
The wind was still blowing violently but at least it wasn’t as loud and scary as the thunder crashes, it was more or less…calm and peaceful.
Big question…did I wake up my neighbours with the sound of my weird scream-crying?
Post-Script: More than 24 hours later, I remember my weird wailings in the night and laugh. It really does seem funny, the way I reacted to the situation. :P
A baby cries in the distance, its voice echoes on the building walls. All I think about in that moment is that, 2 days back, it was my cries echoing after the lightning strike.
References: https://www.healthline.com/health/panic-attack-vs-anxiety-attack#symptoms
