If Nature could talk

    With eyes closed I asked her, what do you think nature is?

She innocently closed her eyes, smiled and said, “Nature is green plants, birds in the sky and fish in the sea. That’s nature.”

“Do you really think that’s all I am?” I asked the girl curiously.

“You’re Nature?” she asked me with wide eyes.

“Of course, I am” I replied immediately.

    I always find it pretty funny when people print out labels on products claiming how ‘natural’ its ingredients are. What is unnatural really? Is there anything without me? Oh, you humans amuse me!

    People are very narrow-minded of my forms…as if I’m there in one and not in the other.

I am everything.

I am the roaring sea and the shining thunder skies. I am the quiet morning dawn and dew. I am in every birth and in every death fading into the earth. I am the chirping birds in the sky and the bubbling fishes in the sea & rivers. I am the bright warm sunshine…I am the cold depths of the ocean. I am the chaotic company of animals and the solitary nothingness of outer space. Everything you know, experience and possess is mine and you too are part of my existence. I am the universe and the universe is alive in me.

I am both death and life. I nurture and destroy…but really…who can destroy me? I am immortal, neither did you create me, nor can truly destroy me. But I can destroy you quite easily…Storms, droughts, floods, earthquakes, tornado, diseases and erupting volcanoes are some of the many weapons under my sleeve. I have more from where that came from.

Life progresses towards death. And then, from death begins new life.  That’s the circle of life that I orchestrate…and I assure you, from my view, it’s a beautiful medley.

    I will admit that humans are strange animals, never quite came across a species like it. Humans, so full of pride, fail to understand that I’m too complicated to comprehend and too strong & smart to be manipulated forever. Remember? There always has to be a balance. But your feeble and short human lifespans fail to grasp the vastness of the complexities you wish to tamper with, and thus, you’ll continuously suffer as I, time and again, try to bring about a balance in me.

    When I brought out the recent pandemic, humans stayed home and watched me take over their localities.  They looked out of their windows and imagined how beautiful this world would be without them, they wished for that world without their species. I found that strange. I sensed a sort of self-hatred in humans. They think they can’t be part of the beauty because they’re currently struggling to find a good co-existence of their species and the rest of nature. I am Nature and I realize that humans too are part of me.  

Humans are powerful and intelligent, but they should be humble enough to be at peace with not knowing everything to the degree I know myself. For its only with humility that one can learn.

Our co-existence is possible…don’t you believe it?

I looked down at the young girl near me, looking at me in awe of all that I have said. I picked her up and showed her the vastness of my existence.

    When she finally found the words to speak, she said, “You’re beautiful, Mother Nature. Can I be your friend?”

“You already are my friend, your species had just been a bad friend to me so far.”

She looked down in sorrow for a minute then looked back up at me again. She fumbled on her words when she tried to speak, but finally said the words I was looking for in every creature since the beginning of time, “I promise to do better, Mother Nature, I promise I’ll be a better friend to you.”

Just then, I remembered of all the humans who devoted their lives and energies into protecting me and the thin balance of everything. They too were my friends.

And so, we walked together hand in hand to tomorrow. We walked and talked. I told her stories of the lives that had taken shapes and forms through me. She enjoyed my company and I could say the same for her as well. Humans are strange feeble creatures who amuse me. I am fond of them. We walked into a better world where you and I were good friends to each other.

Originally posted on Syllable Soup's blog of St. Andrews College as the winning entry (1st Place) of the 2020 Creative Writing Competition.

Edited by Pearl Fernandes on the 31st, August, 2021

The Ecstasy of Letter Writing + A Letter Was Received (Poems)

With the letters that I wrote 

I put heartfelt words in a quote 

Dear friends & family, near & dear

I hope these letters bring you good cheer

From stickers & cut-outs of magazines

I create art with ribbons in between

Folding it, I place it in an envelope,

Wishing this also helps you'll cope

I think of the journey this letter will take

Perhaps across streets, vehicles, seas & lakes

I scribble on the addresses

And forget all of my stresses

Finally, the stamp I then place

Thinking of the smile on your face

I take a long walk to the post office

Handing the letters, I am so glad that I'm delirious

Post Script: 

This was a unforeseen surprise I got few hours after I published and shared my initial poem. 

This poem written by one of my good friends, Rishabh Jaiswal, was inspired by the above poem that I wrote. These two poems are like two sides of a coin, in the way it highlights perspectives of the letter writer and the letter receiver, which I found so profound that I just needed to publish this as well. Like a sequel to my poem.

Following is the poem he wrote back to me: 

"A Letter was received"

By Rishabh Jaiswal

I received a letter, a friend wrote to me

And the words in it sent me in a state of glee

I had many things to do, but I didn't pay them heed

I left everything aside just to give it a read

O! the magic in her words, nothing could be better

The letter she wrote to me is about writing a letter.

How to invest in the stock market as a beginner

    

    The recession induced by the ongoing health crisis brought about many changes to the world as we know it. But many business-minded youth and adults took this as an opportunity to invest. Guess what? So did I. 

But unlike many of them.... I read up on articles, research papers and books in order to find out how exactly to do it well. After all, I'm a young economist...We like to make calculated decisions. 

A land of risk and rewards is the way I see investment. I agree... I too am still a rookie at this. 

I'm not here to convince you that you'll quadruple your principal amount if you follow my steps.... There's no way to predict the future.... But here are a few tips that will help you get a better understanding of the market in order to make better decisions for yourself.

1. Know current events 

Knowing what's happening in the world isn't just useful for your entrance exams and job interviews. If you have invested in a company or are thinking about it...you have to be aware of what's happening in that company or industry. News about any change in management, big deals, scandals, losses, innovations, court cases...they all make it to the newspapers and social media. So know about it and stay aware. This is one of the things that molds investor/business expectations and this is reflected in the stock market.

Even past events could be significant as some of them either made a company's reputation or destroyed it. 

2. Buy cheap, sell costly

Many investors make the mistake of buying when a stock is costly and selling when its cheap. Your goal is to appreciate the value of your stocks and maximize your profits. So, buy stocks when it's priced less than its usual value and sell it while its value is peaking. Some investors even do a calculation called "Value investing" to find out the intrinsic value of a stock.

3. Study historical stock and dividend data 

Its freely available online to view and it's fairly easy to analyse with all those fancy graphs. Of course, you can't predict the future with the past, but if you see a company come out of several crises....you'll understand the resilience and discipline of their management. So even though no company is immortal, you would get an understanding of which company has a good chance of fighting every adversary that comes its way. 

4. Know the products and services you and your friends/families love 

Invest in products you believe in and are confident in their potential to succeed. Investing is all about giving a good innovator and business, the money to be able to do even better in the future. 

5. Don't expect quick returns 

It takes a little patience for the stocks you buy, to grow. Don't be impatient, you can do something else which you wait. Check it on it periodically though, not all stocks are destined for success!

6. Be weary of shady stocks 

"A" group shares tend to be the safest type of shares as they are highly liquidable and tend to have steady growth. The other shares (of T, S, TS, Z, B and other groups) while being more volatile, hence having higher probability of rising suddenly, are extremely risky for a beginner. Buy other kind of stocks, only once you are aware of all the risks they have, are more experienced and when you have an appetite for it. You need not buy other types of shares at all if you don't want to.  

7. Read financial reports 

At the end of every financial year, a large company prepares their financial report for the public and potential (and current) investors. It's usually available on their site. See their profits, losses and capital. Some may even mention new projects in the works of launching. It's a very interesting document that really makes you feel like a real investor. 

8. Don't check your stocks every day unless there's a reason to

Unless you know of a major crisis in the industry or company, there's no reason to check the share prices of your stock every day. It will only stress you out unnecessarily. Check your share prices every few months or once a year...that's more than enough. 

9. Don't believe in stock market influencers

Many people follow every move of big business men and investors. I'm not sure if anyone has ever made money out of it though. Many such influencers buy their stocks long before they announce it. Then, because of their announcement, they artificially inflate the value of the stock and make their profit out of people's naiveness. Don't fall for the trap.

10. Invest in other types investments

There is a real risk in stock markets. Don't shy away from other investments that could keep your money safer. 

11. Learn about the taxes you'll need to pay 

Taxes aren't fun....but it's your duty as a citizen to pay them if you fall under a tax bracket payable to the government. Stay organized and aware of areas to put in your money for tax deductions instead of running in trouble later on. 

Recently, there was a change in taxation by the new tax code. Earlier, the companies would pay an amount of tax for dividends they give, now the tax has been shifted to the investor. (1)

Like the above example, there are many important laws you will need to take care of now and when your wealth has grown considerably. Don't shy from the challenge...money is a headache, but it's also a power. 

12. Don't treat your stocks as a showpiece

Don't just keep it in the share market forever. I don't understand people who just store shares, never sell them and use that money for themselves. What's the point of all that wealth if you can't use it for yourself? I agree.... It's being used for productive purposes. But don't you want to eat the fruit of your hard work instead of just viewing it?

It makes sense to not sell all your shares at once. But by just keeping it in the market forever, you never know when your golden stock's value will drop down and fail. So when the opportunity comes up... consider using it sometimes. 

13. Learn about the various investment strategies

There are many investment strategies that are popular among investors. Some of them are: Value Investing (buying stocks at a discount), Growth Investing (buying potential), Momentum Investing (riding waves), Dollar-cost Averaging (buying at regular intervals) and Barbell Strategy (high risk, high returns and low risk, high security). Do Google them for more information.

14. No need to feel bad about missed opportunities 

Lots of investment teachers talk about all the missed opportunities of their lifetime. They talk about how great it would've been if they had invested in Warren Buffet's stock when it first came into the stock market. Here's the thing, for every hidden-treasure stock that makes it big in the future, there are hundreds of similar stocks as well. You can't predict the future so don't be hard on yourself for not knowing. 

15. Never stop learning 

Go to investopedia, seminars, books about investing. And hopefully, over time, you'll build wealth over the stock market. 

References and further reading:

1). India to consider shifting dividend tax to investors from firms, Economic Times

https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/news/economy/policy/india-to-consider-shifting-dividend-tax-to-investors-from-firms/articleshow/72035822.cms

2) Investopedia https://www.investopedia.com/

3) Rich dad, poor dad - Robert Kiyosaki 

4) Fooled by Randomness - Nassim Nicholas Taleb

14 Perks of Diary Writing

    

    Like mentioned earlier on this blog, I have been writing a yearly diary since the year 2012. It was a fad I wanted to follow that I kept seeing in movies and shows…and you know what? I’m glad I did. It has helped me throughout the years for multiple reasons. 

There is something romantic about picking up my diary anytime during the day or night and just writing my heart out. The way the pen scratches and makes an impression on the paper…the way the ink glides and guides me on the path to balance and peace…and the way I don’t notice how many pages I’ve written until my train of thought reaches its station. 

Diary writing has been the reason I run out of books to use for it every few months. I think for just this year, I’ve already used up three 200-page books! But it rarely feels like a task like it used to feel when I just began. Writing just comes naturally to me now and some might say I keep way too many diaries!

Before further ado…let’s get into the many perks of diary writing:

1. Improves grammar and writing skills

Here’s the perk I noticed instantly after reading past diaries. In my first diary, my hand-writing was horrible and unreadable. It had too many grammatical & spelling mistakes to decipher. In just the next year’s diary, the writing actually made sense and the improvement was drastic. I was surprised.

2. A place to vent

My diary is my preferred place to vent out all my uncomfortable feelings like sadness or anger. It feels safe to write all the curse words and depressing thoughts you have ever thought about. And the best part of this is…the feeling of relief and well-thought out conclusions you come to after a long session of diary writing. It feels like therapy. No need to burden another person with your problems and the expectation to understand…nor having to wait patiently for your close one's availability…just pick up your diary and a pen and get on with it!

3. More fluid writing

Since the first years of writing in my diary, I’ve noticed how easily I can write sentences that are connected to each other. It isn’t a random rambling of detached thoughts and people who have read any of my essays lately, also testify the same. 

4. Better emotional control

Because of repeated self-soothing and compassion that I accomplish through diary writing, I feel more at peace and control of my emotions. Emotions don’t overwhelm me as much as it used to (it could also be the fact that I’ve grown a lot since then). I can now more easily hold on to anger or discomfort and express it in a healthy way like diary writing. 

5. A healthy coping mechanism 

During phases of my life in which I used to not write in my diary as often, I noticed how easily disturbed I was and how much more likely it was that I’d indulge in unhealthy coping mechanisms like stress-eating, temper-tantrums and so on. I really felt very mentally exhausted and overwhelmed in the times I didn’t or couldn’t write it out which caused my mind to feel like stagnant water. 

6. No rules 

A big perk to diary writing is that there is no way to do it wrong. You create the rules and you are the only authority. If you want to write a 3-page manifesto at the beginning, or imagine what would it take to break into your school, or rant about your annoying friend for 10 pages…there isn’t anything or anyone stopping you from expressing yourself. Go do it!

7. Improves memory

I noticed how much more easily I can hold on to details of my day because I normally do so to be able to write down that detail in my diary at the end of the day. Many of my friends also agree that when it comes to details of my day, no-one can beat me on my recall. (Given I was paying attention)

8. Improves conversation

The thoughts that I express in conversation has greatly improved because of years of training to write my thoughts in diary. I can put complex feelings & experiences into words and this is what helped me in my conversations with people in real life. I can express myself to others more easily when I can express things to myself well. 

9. Opportunity to decorate

Diaries are an amazing opportunity to decorate! Be it the cover or the pages in between. Use all the cool art supplies you have and go crazy. Use beads, ribbons, cut-outs, drawings, tickets, stickers…write the year in calligraphy, block or graffiti-inspired fonts. Do whatever you want and be pleased with your creation. 

10. A treasure chest of good (and bad memories)

This is my personal favorite. I love how easily I can journal about my most beautiful memories of my life as they happen. I can remember every detail of it. I don’t have to worry about forgetting the good times cause it’s all there in my diary, systematically dated. I have so many memories, etched into paper that I can always go back to and relive. 

11. Tracking goals, habits and appointments

It’s hard to keep track of everything you need and want to do. This is why journaling helps you know what your goals are and actively pursue them. You can track your progress on building or breaking a habit or your next dentist appointment or even a school function. It’s easy and it’s all in one place. (And there’s no way your book’s battery will die, unlike electronics)

12. Feel them later

There have been many times when I have scribbled away a difficult feeling or experience and then referred to it later after I’ve calmed down to re-evaluate myself and my reaction. This helps me look at my responses to stress and assess what beliefs/biases are hurting me & my life.

 

13. Improves writing speed and stamina

In the process of writing everyday or every time you're overwhelmed, you find that you can easily write several pages without tiring over time. Suddenly, writing exams and assignments are easier and you get done faster than before. Even note-taking during classes and lectures are effort-less after starting this adventure. 

14. Looking into the deep past

It’s just a fun thing to do I guess, reading old diaries & seeing how the problems you once faced & cried about, are long gone. It’s hilarious to read about the people I once liked and the friends I once had. I love the nostalgia. But I love seeing myself grow and discover this beautiful world, again and again. It gives me a sense of gratitude for having this life and it also gives me hope imagining an older, wiser version of me looking back and laughing at my present-day problems that also got resolved eventually. It’s a magical experience of pseudo-time travel. 

There are times of great stress or change when I feel my sense of self spinning. It's so uncertain about who I am sometimes that I look back to see who I used to be in my journals. It gives me a sense of stability despite always changing and growing through life.

Did I convince you to keep a diary? I certainly hope I did. 😊

Turtles all the way down (Book Review)

    I remember the time the movie based on a John Green book got really popular. The movie was called, “The Fault in Our Stars” and I was in high school when it came out. I wasn’t really interested in it. It seemed like a sad movie…I didn’t like sad movies. And so, I decided this guy named John Green was weird and moved on with my life. 

    Few years later I found a really cool educational YouTube channel and started watching it’s philosophy course. It was by some guy named Hank Green and turns out, John Green is his brother and also hosts such courses. So come pandemic, I started watching Crash Course’s World History Course for the same reason I began the Philosophy Course…It’s fun! After a while, I thought to myself, "What the heck, I'll even give his book a try."

So, I began reading "Turtles all the way down" by John Green.

    It started off slow, like usual novels. But along the way to completion, I could really see his personality come out in the characters he wrote in that book. It was really easy to recognize his thoughts in this book. I know it might be a weird thing to say when reading someone's book. 

But that's the cool thing about writing a piece of your original work, you put a little of yourself in the story...whether it's the character, location or perspectives, you put a piece of your soul in what you create. 

    The blabbering of random facts and history was something I saw in John Green even in his World History Course videos, was seen in the writings of that book. I appreciate the realistic and good light with which he described the main character, Aza Holmes' anxiety. I liked how he talked about the need for therapy and psychiatric medicines in a positive way...thereby reducing the stigma against these evidence-based treatments. So many writers and creators choose to perpetuate false ideas about what mental health is and demonizes its victims rather than help and empathize with their struggles. This book made a good attempt in removing that stigma and I am better having read it. It also didn’t have magical or spontaneous cures of mental illness. (It might be possible, but it’s rare.) 

    Mental health is so important and I can't stress that enough. We all think we know what it is but distance ourselves from genuine empathy and acceptance of it. Mental illness is always thought of to be something incurable and un-treatable and shameful and wrong...that we forget that this rationale further worsens mental illness outcomes in our society. 

    Another amazing characteristic of this book is its love for astronomy. It’s a big expansive and beautiful universe that we're part of. I remember being so interested in planets and space as a child. Everyone knows of the planets in our solar system, it's nothing short of a miracle to be alive and to be conscious to experience it all. This book highlights the awesomeness of astronomy as seen in the interests of the character, Davis Pickett Jr. I enjoyed reading his commentaries on space-y stuff. 

    The story felt real. It had good and bad things happening throughout the story, just like real life. It really proves the maturity and skill of the writer to pull off such an intricate storyline. Books like these make learning and scientific thinking so interesting to teenagers and young adults like myself. I'm glad that such authors get the press. The world is really changing in its views of good authorship and I am glad to be part of it. 

    In the future, I hope to finish reading the book, “The fault in our stars” by the same author. When I’m done, I’ll try to get my hands on the movie as well. 

    There are so many great experiences and works of art that we miss out on because of our mortality and biases. Mortality can’t be cured, but our biases can be…to a great extent. 

The Pills In Your Mouth

    There are a lot of health-related fears in the air around us these days. With polarized opinions regarding every topic, like the ones related to medicine and treatment, it is very confusing to choose which path one must take towards a good or better health. 

We all hear of and fall victim to new diseases or fall prey to an old, yet incurable one. It is a worrying thought to think about. It was a thought that particularly worried me as a child, the fear of getting those dreaded “incurable” diseases. 

Then there’s the thing about doctors. Doctors do seem mysterious in their ways and mannerisms. All wrapped up in heavily complicated medical terminology and statistics…with pills, tablets, capsules and potions to aid in treatments…no wonder so much of their lives are still unknown to us. 

Most doctors do bridge the gap and help one become more educated about their illness. However, some thrive with the asymmetric information on their side and do nothing about it.

Many people grow up in fear of the unknown mystery that are doctors and their medicines. Maybe I had it too until I had a very bad illness in my childhood that wrecked havoc to my otherwise golden childhood. A doctor’s advice on medicine cured me and since then, I’ve been less anxious and scared of the peculiarities of my body and the changes it goes through when it’s sick. 

With a good doctor, you feel heard and validated for the experience of your illness and ailment. You feel empowered with the correct diagnosis. The unknown sickness that has been hurting you, now has a name. The strange ambiguity has been given a name and now you’re on your way to recovery. 

Lately, I’ve noticed how many different pills I’ve been having for a variety of ailments. Sometimes I wonder, “Am I really at the prime of my health?”

We often go into seasons of illness and suffering that seem not to have an end. It’s just eternal popping of pills into your mouth and drowning it in a quick large sip of water, day after day. 

I won’t say it doesn’t get exhausting. It does. 

I remember recently how I had to have around 6 tablets everyday for 15 days. It was so annoying. 

But when I think about it. It isn’t mindless consumption of something I don’t understand, let alone can pronounce. (As most medicines have tongue-twisting chemical formulae as their name)

Medicines I have, are under the guidance of a wise, well-trained doctor in the recommended doses they advise me to take, bought from a well-equipped pharmacy that sources its medicines from high quality pharmaceutical industries. I live in the 21st century, a time medical science has achieved leaps and bonds. People in the ancient world would kill to receive the treatment I’m getting in my time.

I comfort my woes of taking timely medicine with this rationale…that, I’m grateful to be born in a time there is treatment for whatever I’m suffering. 

And whatever the side-effects, it beats being sick and the risk of that illness progressing into something far worse. 

I also try to think that taking medicines on time and following medical advice is a self-care ritual for my ailing body. 

Being sick isn’t fun…but with each dose I take in its recommended time…I’m beating the illness…one pill at a time. 

Cyclone, trauma and panic attacks

    

    Cyclone Tauktae came at a time when the Indian people were already exhausted with the 2nd wave of the Covid-19 pandemic. It sent thunder and heavy to light rains to the entire country. It devastated lives and livelihoods. And it really made worse an already grim situation in our country. The cyclone passed near Mumbai city day before yesterday and brought with it terrible winds, heavy rains and a scary combo of thunder and lightning. 

    In the locality I live in, we had thunders and rain throughout the day, as well as aggressive winds. The huge tree outside, clapped its leaves with the winds as it tried to hold itself up. Many leaves fell, many branches as well. Thankfully, no fatalities here. When I opened my window, I was horrified by the way the winds were making that tree sway so violently, doors and windows of my neighbours banged and swayed along. 

    When the night came, it was a sleepless one. I spent an hour or two overthinking about everything. I had written in my diary before bed. And some of those sentences kept looming in my mind. I always get annoyed when I don’t have pen and paper near me during these times. I get so inspired when I relax and think in bed. I was trying my best to calm my thoughts to sleep. And once I did…

The loudest thunder crash of my life decided to show up and ruin it.

    I woke up with a freight…screaming and crying. I had the most intense panic attack ever. I had had panic attacks before due to nightmares. But never like this. Never have I heard myself cry like that. I was scared of my own cries. I gasping for air….my heart, racing. I felt pain in my chest. I was shivering with fear. My whole life flashed in front of me when the lightning had struck. I seriously thought I was struck by lightning. I can remember the sounds of my scream-crying as I type out this piece. My reaction is still unbelievable to me. I didn’t know what was happening to me or what was happening around me. 

    Anxiety and panic attacks are very similar. Panic attacks are more severe and tend to happen suddenly. Anxiety attacks gradually come in and range from mild to severe. The symptoms of each of these attacks are also very different and thus the way of dealing with them, differ as well. (to read more about this, click on the link in the references)

    My mom came to the bedroom to see what was all the commotion about. I hugged her and asked her to sing something to calm me down from my panic and breathlessness. She sang me a hymn and after around 10 minutes, my breathing slowly stabilized. Listening to her heartbeat and singing helped me overcome this episode of panic. After I calmed down a bit, I still felt awfully scared of the lightning. I was too scared to live! That’s when this thought came to mind: Is it better to just die in a frightening situation than to live with a trauma? 

    For a while the lightning kept crashing, though they were softer than the one that had awoken me, I was scared of its random lights and every conductor of electricity around me….water and metal. I even felt scared to approach the area near the windows, for fear of getting electrocuted. 

    I imagined how death by lightning would feel like, and it was a horrible thought. 

    Plans changed. Instead of trying to fall asleep, I tried my best to not sleep. I shut my ears with my hands and curled up in a fetal position even when there wasn’t any lightning happening at that moment.

    Every thought turned rancid. Every attempt to calm myself down with beautiful imagery failed as my newly traumatised brain turned it into a morbid version of the thought. 

    Lying down in bed last night made me wonder if I’ll always be afraid of thunder and lightning. I also was embarrassed by the way I scream-cried. I thought about everything as I desperately tried my best not to fall asleep. Though, it was something to get scared of, right? I judged and then corrected myself. It really was a scary occurrence. I need to be kinder to myself. I removed my hands off my ears and laid down in a more relaxed comfortable position.

    I googled more about the cyclone and tracked where it had reached. I went on Instagram and laughed at cute dog videos. I looked at my windows to spot lightning and then covered my ears promptly when I saw one. It almost looked like will-o-wisps when small ones came. I was honestly scared my fear would cause me hallucinate some scary fictional beings. 

    The sun was starting to rise and I saw the gradients of white change through my windows. When it was 8 am and wasn’t thundering anymore, I decided to sleep. 

    The wind was still blowing violently but at least it wasn’t as loud and scary as the thunder crashes, it was more or less…calm and peaceful. 

    Big question…did I wake up my neighbours with the sound of my weird scream-crying?

Post-Script: More than 24 hours later, I remember my weird wailings in the night and laugh. It really does seem funny, the way I reacted to the situation. :P

A baby cries in the distance, its voice echoes on the building walls. All I think about in that moment is that, 2 days back, it was my cries echoing after the lightning strike.

References: https://www.healthline.com/health/panic-attack-vs-anxiety-attack#symptoms

https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/cyclone-tauktae-updates-ins-kolkata-rescues-2-survivors-101621314710101.html

Changing the recipe for your life

Cooking is such a big deal and also not, at the same time. The act of eating and bringing people together motivates us to do it. We sit around the T.V. and watch shows based on it while we eat our meals...the food entertainment industry continues to fuel our addiction. And our addiction is fueled by our biological need to live and maintain our body. It doesn't even matter where you are....at any given point in time, the culture of food is a rich one and it indulges everyone who dared to partake in it. 

My own cooking journey has taken me to many situations. And no, I'm not saying this as a professional chef (cause obviously, I'm not). I'm just saying this as an ordinary non-celeb person who has had numerous experiences related to cooking. 

It all started as a child when I used to help my mother in the kitchen....cutting vegetables and fruits. Like most people, the first complete dish I made was instant noodles. Then this progressed into me trying out random dishes and enjoying the gamble of whether it would end up in something delicious or a disaster. Then I had a small break from it after a discouraging comment saying it was my duty to learn how to cook since I'm a girl. But now, I go back in the kitchen to make something new, motivated with the rumblings of my tummy and my curiosity to experiment. I've tried many dishes over the summers, this eternal lock-down and during times of random outbursts of inspiration. I've cooked with my family and friends....Especially my sister and mom during this lock down. It's a great way to bond and spend time with someone. 

I personally love the philosophy of lazy cooking. Doing the least amount of effort for making great food. 

Cooking is essentially edible chemistry. You mix things together, heat or cool it and create something amazing; that you can eat (hopefully) unlike traditional chemistry. The process can take over your senses, like an artist painting their masterpiece. The world just slips back and falls away...and it's just you, your ingredients, your cooking devices and the recipe. 

I act like a total pro when I cook. I read the recipe, evaluate what seems reasonable and what steps I can do without...add and subtract ingredients to my liking.....and use substitutes when there's an ingredient I don't have or can't buy in my country. 

Recently I realized how insightful the Indian way of cooking is, "To make do with the things you have." Of course, not everyone can improvise. But it's important to know when it is required, instead of running around 100+ stores searching for that one ingredient that could easily be substituted...Or crying in the corner, over not owning an oven. 

We all aren't born in the same place, with the same resources, tools and ingredients for our lives. We may have dreams of fine-dining dishes and expensive ingredients and equipment or...big dreams of success. But life doesn't always give us the things we most want from it. It's all so random. So rather than starving cause you can't get exactly what you want...why not improvise with the things you have? Substitute those ingredients for different ones at your disposal. It might be better than the mentioned ingredient in your recipe.

We read about the lives of others and expect the recipe to always stay the same. We push ourselves into rigid boxes and rules on how we too can achieve success. But the recipe to success is always changing. So.... Why not go out there and make your own?

Having a recipe to follow is a good guide. But food/taste preferences are so subjective. Hence, you need not frustrate yourself with the recipe, you need not live life to the standards and preferences of others...I don't care how famous they are. They are not going to sit and eat this dish you make...you are. They are not going to face the good or bad consequences of your life's decisions...you are. 

So make good decisions. Make your own dish...your own life. And to hell to anyone else who says otherwise. 

Another person in the crowd

Would the absence of one person be felt in local trains or crowded streets? Would there somehow be someone who noticed your absence and felt the emptiness inside them eat a void into their hearts? Would an absentee be felt in a class filled to the brim with students of all types, loud and soft, diverse and bland? Would the world so big and mighty feel your absence if you weren't in it? The quietness of outer space, with incomprehensible noises echoing in the distance, makes no sense, so holds no meaning to you....how could yours hold any meaning or worth then?

The stars make patterns in the sky, and you make patterns in the sand...only to be changed in a matter of time. 

So what's the use?

What's the value of life?

What's the value of my life?

Should I stay? Should I go?

Life is so unpredictable. We feel the highs and lows...and try to make sense of the middle. The middle sometimes being the feeling of numbness.

I notice the ones at the train station. Even if my mind wanders, I still scan your face in the crowds. When the vehicles on the streets pass me by, I look for your face in them. In the loud and noisy crowds, I look through each face, like browsing through a clothing rack, in search of you.

Where are you?

You are a loved one of mine.

Even if strangers, I recognize you and feel a sense of security and comfort arise in the familiarity of your face. 

I have an expectation of you at your bus stop and in the over-filled classrooms of my city. We might have never even spoken, but I remember you.

I remember when you ate a certain snack on your way home as you stared at your phone screen and laughed, almost loudly, at a joke you read. I saw your face light up at the sight of the sea and the salty ocean breeze as you took that path along the seashore. I noticed you from a distance by the way you walk and the silhouette of your body. 

I know you and appreciate having such a unique specimen to gaze at and admire.

I respect you when you're near, loved one...whether you're a friend, a family member, a helper, an authoritative figure, a colleague. I see the peculiar way you eat and the intricacies of your preferences I try to find out. I register our moments in my mind and recall them whenever I feel down. I say it sometimes, but not enough, "Thank you." But maybe when you feel the need to hide all your emotions because you feel you're too much, I should say, "I see you and I'm trying to understand how to be there for you."

I guess I'll never succeed in making this place and my heart as comfy and homelike as you need me to be. But I will always try to....and I'll never stop trying to. 

I won't lie to you...The world will go on without you. But to the ones who notice you from a distance or from up close....we will definitely miss you. We will feel a feeling of vacant space in our hearts when you leave. We will feel light-headed of the place in our minds where you were, when you were on our minds. 

We will surely feel the cluttering way worry comes...first a little, then a lot. Then it will all disappear when we see you the next time. After the short hiatus taken by you due to illness, family issues or other troubles. 

Maybe we are all lonely and don't make sense in this world. We sometimes question the roles we play in life as a whole. Some find purpose, some don't. Some find stability in that, some are fine with the ambiguity. We all need some recognition for our efforts. We all have people we admire and look forward to seeing though, be it a stranger or a known person. 

In this life we are but lonely. But know that there are always people willing to take their life's journey with you. For then, we will be lonely but together.

Call for professional and free help from suicide in Mumbai

iCall : 9152987821 or 022-25521111 (10 am to 8pm from Monday to Saturday)

The Samaritans Mumbai: +91 84229 84528 or +91 84229 84529 or +91 84229 84530 (5pm and 8pm on all days)

Adulting: Playing the part

    Since a young age, we would look up to adults with sheer wonder sparkling in our eyes. It seemed like such a beautiful perfect world. We all wanted to grow up quickly because of the envy we felt, over how adults could choose and live life the way they wanted. 

    So we fast tracked on every superficial characteristic on what it means to look like an adult. We see it everywhere in our society...the make-up, the clothes, the alcohol and other "adult things". 

    Can you blame an innocent child into believing this was what it meant to be, to be an adult? We don't know any better. Maybe it's time society taught us better.

    When I turned 18...I didn't feel any different. The world treated me a little differently in legal situations...but for the most part, I was still treated like a child. Soon, I'll turn 21, and I doubt it'll make me feel any different as well.

What's the right way of feeling on birthdays anyway?

    Lately, I and my classmates have been busy studying, looking for college courses, scholarships, internships and jobs to apply after our graduation. At every step there's so many more routes we can take, that it becomes confusing to decide which one will be the right decision for us.

    I had the habit of over-planning when I was still in school. Then in High school, I realized, it made me an anxious wreck, so I started planning only for the very next step. It was a good strategy that I followed, until now. 

    I'm back to over-planning out of necessity.

    

    I'm usually a lazy person...so that part of me just wants to keep with the way things are going, instead of trying something different that could be good for me. But I know and fear the reality, that all opportunities come along with anxiety and may pass me by…if I don't act within the specified time. After that, all I'll be left with, will be regrets.

    Turning into an adult wasn’t as dramatic or great as I once thought. However, there is a joy I feel, over finally growing up despite not achieving my dreams yet.

    Early Adulthood is a phase for me where I'm still trying to learn the ropes of life. Slowly transitioning from making my own decisions and bearing the consequences of those decisions. I'm failing at the life standards I set at a young age. But in time I've come to know that it’s OK if your dreams change due to the new information you have at hand. 

    Even if in 5 years, I'm not where I want to be. It's only because of the hurdles I faced; The hurdles of adulthood that no-one talked to us about while growing up. So, I guess I can't only be angry at myself, right? No-one warned me about the boredom of paperwork, anxiety of looking through courses, insecurities of job eligibility, unstable politics, unreasonable restrictions by parents, stereotyping by society, and so on.

    When I look back at the dreams of my childhood self, I know it was too romanticized and set in the imagination of a perfect world. I am happy I had the innocence and imagination of a perfect world back then, but it's time to wake up and play the part.

Agenda for 2021

         Waking up earlier really has boosted my productivity. And when I say productivity, I mean, doing things I planned to do all along instead of spending the whole day watching Shows and playing Garena Free Fire. Though, those things are fun and amazing. 

I am finally done mooching around and ignoring this poor blog. (I hope)

During this break from writing here, I really thought a lot over the many things that have happened. This Pandemic is taking more time than expected, huh? At least now, some of the things are back to normal and they are my sweet comfort. 

Several of my plans are turning into reality as I try to apply for jobs and colleges...many freedoms seem to be just outside the door. 

There's always the laziness in me that still doesn't want to do anything, and get everything. 

After I began my search for jobs and internships, I've a better idea on the path ahead of me and the steps I need to take. It's like the trial and error of my childhood self, clicking her tiny fingers on my dad's first feature mobile phone. Is learning everything in life, a process of trial and error?

These days, I am spending some time on continuing my editing of this blog. There are beliefs and ideas here, that I no longer support...thus, I'm on a cringe-y journey to eliminate such articles and edit others. So you may find that some articles have disappeared or been changed. Don't worry, because they are either really old or have very few page viewers. I also hope to finally try and get all my articles illustrated. Big work ahead of me! Just wanted to get you'll updated about it.

I really enjoy creating on this space granted to me by the internet. 

Though I sometimes find it really peculiar how I get things done so much quicker when I'm doing it for someone else. Is that a lack of self-respect? Perhaps.

Much to do in little time, I bet all of us can relate to that. But even in my busyness, I'm glad to have things to do and fill up my day.

I am also considering trying to make my social media accounts more personal and transparent of who I am as a person and what this blog is about. This has been on my mind for a long time and I really didn't know how to go about it. 

A little announcement from me is coming and its that I will be open to hire for illustrating, writing and tutoring. Will give more details soon. :)