Good Therapist, Bad Therapist

The conversation surrounding depression, suicide and mental illness has begun appearing in online discussions after the tragic death of a star actor. Talking about these things are important, sure, but to most Indians...there's a huge gap between talking about these things and actually going for therapy. Why is this so? This is mainly due to bad experiences had by people themselves or by hearing experiences of others. So it's totally understandable. Another reason could be due to the misinformation about it.

As for me, having been through therapy under both kinds... the good and bad...I have made some observations. Here's a general list of the characteristics of good therapists and bad therapists based on my experiences:

The Good Therapist

1. You don't feel judged in front of them no matter what you tell them about yourself. You feel their unconditional positive regard when you talk to them about the worst things of yourself. 

2. Their words are always sweet but they know how to tell you difficult truths. 

3. They guide you through their questions and their inputs to help you find your own solutions. This training helps you internalize this method in your mind even when they're not around. (They give you the right tools to be independent of them)

4. Their sessions with you are planned and organized well. 

5. The therapy techniques they use are based on decades worth of psychological research. For example, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

6. They help you trust yourself better and manage your relationships with other people properly.

7. They usually have a long and rigorous training in psychological studies and counselling. They most probably have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology and Master's Degree in a specialized field of Psychology. They may have even done further studies. 

The Bad Therapist

1. They are rude and judgmental. Sometimes you feel like you're talking to one of your neighbourhoods' judgy uncles or aunties. 

2. They do most of the talking during each session...and by talking I mean, advising you on how to live your life based on outdated standards of culture.

3. Their sessions are very disorganized and you get the impression that they didn't plan anything.

4. They usually have questionable education in the field....mostly a small-time certificate or diploma in the field, nothing else. 

5. They don't empathize with your situation, nor understand it properly.

6. They create a dependence in you, either to only trust their advice or the advice of a priest or elder. Cause they think you're too young to know how to make good decisions for yourself so they encourage you to trust yourself less. They act like they have all the right answers in life.

7. They easily get offended.(It might be their anger management issues)

8. They say things like, "When you're in my shoes, you'll know." They basically trivialize your problems by saying things like this.

9. They make big eyes or disproving gestures when you say something about yourself that is out of their realm of what they think you should be doing. 

10. Did I mention that they are very judgemental?

Quick tip! Try to get a therapist whose life is similar to yours, this will help you'll understand and trust each other better. It will also inspire you, to see a person in similar situations as you...thriving mentally. 

Finding a good therapist is difficult, so don't worry about discontinuing your sessions with a therapist that's not helping you. You can explicitly give them your feedback or completely ghost them...don't worry too much about it....the aim of therapy is to help you...not to create a false impression in your therapist's mind that they're helping you, when they're clearly not.

Whatever kind of therapy you've gone to in the past, whether the good or bad, it feels good to have finally said something that you don't feel you can tell other people. There are many truths in life and to speak your own truth is so important. 

Even if you don't agree with the characteristics of what I think good and bad therapists are like, its best to stick with a therapist that works well for your mental health. 

A memoir of my SSC Result Day

I had bought a big packet of chips for standby; the server was buffering as I awaited my results. When the page finally loaded, my jaw dropped.

It’s common to be shocked on first seeing your SSC result, though your actual results could either go above your expectations or below it. Another exception would probably be that pack of chips I had. I take eating unhealthy very seriously.

My result was above my expectations. For a minute, I was surprised I passed. My mom and sister standing besides me said, “Of course you passed!”

But I wasn’t too sure.

I entered that academic year hopeful, excited and high on motivation to destroy people with my final results. Okay fine, maybe the last part was too exaggerated. But I still wanted to do well, who doesn’t?

As the unit tests, practice exams and preliminary exams went by, I got increasing bored of the same portion, the nagging and the hype I felt around me for the golden standard of 90+%.

By the time my actual board exams came, I was so tired of it, that I just wanted to get done with it, whatever the result would be.

That’s why I was surprised on my result day. I had great expectations when I came to the 10th std, but no expectations on my result day.

Maybe I grew numb. Maybe I learnt not to care too much about it. Maybe I realised how much people overestimate the value of SSC results and then stress out everyone else as well.

I didn’t reach the golden standard of 90% but I didn’t do badly either. I was content and more than happy that SSC was finally over.

A new chapter of my life was unfurling in front of my eyes…the new chapter of college life.

For the next few months, people I knew and didn’t know, asked me about my results.

People asked for my SSC percentage…

1.    When it was result day

2.    When I met people after mass, during receptions and at parties.

3.    When I went to secure my admission in college

4.    When I made new friends in college

And many a times...

5.    Randomly when I was walking from point A to B.

It was really frustrating. Actually, it was more strange than frustrating.

Then there would come the unnecessary comparisons with people I couldn’t care less about. People would be like, “Oh, you got only that much? My niece/nephew/son/daughter/neighbour got more than you with …..%”

Like, excuse me, did I ask?

Instead, I’d just laugh it off and consider them, as people who don’t know how to converse properly, like the ones who compulsively talk about my weight.

After those few months, there wasn’t a single word about it. I wondered, “Was that it? Nothing more? Have I finally made it to the other side of the tunnel? Oh great, they have something else to annoy people with now.”

I then forgot about it and everyone moved on. My SSC results occasionally came in the topic of conversation but it was so rare, and by that time I got used to it.

Years later, like today, I’m certain if anyone asks me, I will say, “I don’t remember” and sure enough, I don’t. The one who does remember is that laminated paper in my files whose only job is to remember it.

My point is, all the judgement and hype surrounding SSC and HSC board exams will eventually die down. Whether or not you base your worth on your exam outcomes, more exams will come and go…more challenges will come and go.

But you should always take care of yourself during these tense times. Eat well. Sleep well. Study hard but also know how to have fun and relax.

Because SSC is just another one of those things in life that people put on a pedestal, but isn’t everything. It is important, sure, but not as important as many people say it is.