Do not FORCE people

Now most of the time, people like us have the liberty of making the choices in our lives.  
But not always.

Cause sometimes (even as an adult), the people around you, make the choice for you, like as if you're incompetent to make good choices for yourself. 

I recently went through one such incident that made me feel so small and rubbish. And it's quite disheartening. 

There are many kinds of choices a person can choose. (obviously)
There is no "one particular choice" that can be generalized to work or be good for everyone.
"Good" and "bad" choices are so subjective.

And so when someone forces down a certain choice for me, I feel like telling them, "So you think I'm somehow incapable of making the right choice for myself? So you think that you have a say...a rightful say in my life? So you claim to know me and my life more than me? Go ahead, tell me how much you know about me, I'll tell you if you're even remotely close. Do you think you even know what you're doing in your life with the choices you made?"

People who make choices for others (who obviously can make their own choices) think they are super rational and righteous when they do so. 
Well in fact, that is the height of being irrational.

Because even when people take all the advice given to them, they also are bound to make the wrong choices at times. Taking everyone's advice doesn't make you immune to life's ups and downs. And what happens when you make bad choices? You learn from your mistakes.

I mean I get that you should be prudent with the way you utilize your time, money and efforts. But you can't expect to always be right, especially for other peoples lives when you're not asked for your advice. Thank you, but no thank you for your unsolicited advice.

And anyway, what's so wrong at being wrong sometimes? People should be given the liberty to choose...even to choose bad choices. 

There isn't any shame in taking responsibility for things that didn't work out.
And something I want to tell myself is, it's not your fault these controlling people are the way they are. They may have lost control in their own lives and they have learnt this maladaptive coping mechanism of forcing their "right" choices down other's throats. 

As kids, we were always pushed into doing and being things the way our elders or friends told us to. After some point in time, however, we need to be free from it.

Free to choose.

I'm not saying elders shouldn't protect their children from bad things that could cause them harm. But why must you shove unrealistic expectations for their future? their body? their significant other? their career? Especially when that person is an adult!

If a choice is really bad, they will find it themselves. Respect and believe in people's decision-making skills. A person will properly weigh the risk-factors of their choices themselves. 
You're not the only smart person here on this planet. And chances are, what worked for you or for someone you heard about, won't work for them. Do you really want to be the cause for someone's unhappiness that much? I don't think so.  

The victory in failing

The first test I failed was in school. The subject was Marathi (I mean, of course).

That wasn't the last time I failed a test though.

My classmates look at me right now and probably can't imagine me ever failing in anything academic. But the truth was very different. I too have my weaknesses. And Marathi was that one subject that repeatedly brought my total percentage/grade down.

I eventually got immunized from thinking failure was the end of me. My teachers scoldings mostly felt like nothing because I knew how hard I tried. I knew it was my best. If my best wasn't good enough then sorry, but my feelings aren't hurt by your unrealistic perception of me as lazy, irresponsible or stupid. Cause I'm none of those things and I can try harder next time. 
There's always a next time for most things in life. 

Many teachers make us feel like it's a now-or-never sort of thing. 
Rubbish. 
Though it would be easier to finish things off quickly once given the opportunity to. 

Later I found out, that teacher just had a big problem at letting me pass her subjects. There are many such teachers who take it badly when a student can't do well in their subject. They scream at the child, not realizing that their teaching methods could be at fault.

I mean, the harsher reality is on the students, who at a young age get screamed at for not understanding a teacher's faulty method of teaching. It's the student who gets punished for not scoring well and not getting good marks. It's the student that's not chosen by colleges and universities if they don't meet score requirements cause they had bad teachers. Scoring less and making mistakes are just part of learning. 

What punishments do teachers get for not teaching well? Their salaries are given whether or not the student learns. 

By my last year in school, when I got to know I failed biology in the first term's school exams...all I thought was "Okay, I'll do better next time". And that was that. No tears, no sadness...in fact I laughed cause I liked the subject of biology and it felt funny cause I had passed Marathi that time. 

Some teachers strongly believe screaming at their students will improve their performance...calling them all sorts of names other than who they really are. For some twisted reason they imagine doing this will give students more confidence for their exam writing skills. Very self-defeating methods by teachers.

Don't believe the mean things teachers call you, dear students.

Time and experience taught me that an exam result need not define your worth. All it says is your ability to understand certain concepts in the curriculum and being able to write that out on paper at that particular time...nothing more than that, nothing less.

Students tend to take it too seriously. Because we're brain-washed to believe this is all there is to life. That result paper is the prophecy set for me until the ends of time...that this will follow me as a ghost...the ghost of failure and regret. 

But it's not true. 

You can always do better in the future, no matter how much or how badly you failed. 

Even if it's the same subject, over and over. You never start again from the bottom. When you do things again and again, the knowledge and experience you learnt in your previous failure acts as the foundation to help you reach new heights. You will succeed....Eventually. 

The young pearl who took her failed biology paper very well, topped the same subject in the next school term and who knows...so can you.  

Escape

-Written by Christalle Fernandes

Today, my English professor was talking about connotations attached to words, and the way the meaning of a word changes subtly in relation to every context. It made me think about one word in particular.

'Escape.' This word is always associated with an underlying negative meaning, like escape from something bad, something terrible, life-threatening etc. But there are times when I've wondered: What if I want to escape from all things good.

There are fleeting moments when I've allowed myself to consider this rather strange idea. Sometimes, even though things are running smoothly, and all's right with the world, I feel the need to escape.

To run away, to get away from it all. I suppose it has something to do with our very human limitations, the feeling of being 'tied' to this earth, and having to go through the routine motions of everyday life. Routine life just feels so mundane and stale sometimes, that I just feel like getting up and running away and going on an adventure and never looking back.

The very beauty of the earth itself makes me feel discouraged at times. That may sound strange, but hear me out. I look up and up into the blue expanse of the heavens, and then an irresistible urge to soar and fly comes over me. At these times especially, escape seems like it's just within my reach, but not quite. And that's frustrating.

To fly high up, away from the ground,

To soar into the blue expanse and never look down.

But familiarity, routine, is what keeps me- what keeps most of us- going. Unfamiliarity is like a strange fruit, you want to taste it, but hold back from fear of being poisoned. Inevitably, even though we might soar above the ground in our dreams- we find ourselves firmly brought back to the ground by the normalcy of our daily lives. Whether this is a good, or a bad thing, is a debatable issue.

Dreams are what lift us above mundane realities, no matter how unrealistic they might be. And so, if that's what helps you to escape, then so be it.

I wonder how it would feel to lose my identity

To wander nameless, faceless, alone and free,

Lose myself in the crowd of surging humanity,

Running away from it all- and from being me.

My mind is a seashore

Thoughts...they sometimes clutter my mind a little too much. The reoccurring thoughts of worry keep resurfacing. So I force myself to not think about it. But it keeps coming up again in growing levels of annoyance. 
My mind is a seashore. I keep throwing these thoughts into the ocean...wanting to drown it. But again I see it on the shores...again and again. 
So I pick up the thought and see it...observe it clearly...without the waves of my emotion from distorting the truth about that thought. And so I see it and accept it for what it is. Suddenly, it vanishes. 
And I don't have to drown it no more.

There's still garbage thrown into the ocean of my brain. Comments and insults people have made about me over the years. Ideas and broken mirrors of who they want me to be....are the debris in this ocean. They keep being washed ashore. They are not who I am, no matter how they try to make me feel so. 

This rubbish being brought to the seashore, disturb me trying to make sandcastles. They don't let me enjoy the rocks, the sands, the company of the sea-snails and the soothing ocean waters of the undiscovered potential of my mind. 

I take out the trash, one by one. I hope for protection over my ocean. I extend my boundaries...I raise my standards of the people I allow in my mind. 

My mind is a seashore. And if you respect my ocean, you're welcome here. Soon it'll be clean and I will fully behold the majesty of all that it is....all that I am.  

The assertiveness game plan

I am strange, there have been times in my life that I allowed people to use me like a rug and times I stood up for myself despite the odds.

But I'm not exactly what you'd call assertive. I'm getting there though.

The idea of assertiveness is often mistaken for being bossy and rude. That was at least what was on my mind about it.

It's a spectrum of behaviours. On one end, it's people being spineless and letting everyone take advantage of them. And on the other end, it's people being bossy, demanding and controlling of others.

Assertiveness is a healthy balance between the two extremes.

It means asserting what you want and don't want but also being willing to compromise to be on the same page.

There have been times I had to show people the door because they couldn't come to terms with me calling out their misbehaviors. And I used to feel bad about it and so be the one to adjust myself to them instead. 

But now I know that what I tolerate is what I'll end up with.
And there are normal people who'll respect your boundaries.

So here's the game plan I formulated for myself to be more assertive in my life...

1. Know yourself
It's only with realistic knowledge of yourself that you'll be able to differentiate between people being mean and people telling you to improve on your flaws. 

2. Accept yourself
If you find out there's something actually incorrect about something you do or say....accept it and work towards making the necessary changes.

3. Develop good amounts of self confidence
There maybe several methods to do so. Try out different activities. Put yourself out there. Many a times I underestimate myself because I don't put myself in situations where my talent and abilities can bloom and then I think everyone around me is better at it.

4. Be firm and assertive when people around you try to make you do things you don't want to do and vice versa. If they don't understand, it's alright to leave them in their delusional world that demands that they be the king over everything and everyone. You don't miss out when you're away from those people...you gain. The best way to play a game that people try to play on your mind is by not playing at all.

*Bonus*
Understand what your boundaries are and why it's good to keep them. Think out all the positives that can come out from you being assertive with others. (Especially with the really annoying pushy people)

Doodling during class

Life seldom goes by my plans. So? I doodle away. I doodle away, the class I thought would be interesting isn't and my friends are staring at the teacher with a blank expression wondering whether he even understands what he says. I'm looking at my notebook...I'm drawing. Classmates who are used to seeing me take notes throughout classes assume I'm doing the same thing. No, I'm not. I'm drawing of a world that only exists to me where no one could care less, where no one tries to stop me from dreaming.

I'm doodling, no rules and no end in mind. And somehow it still ends up into something that's pretty to look at. Isn't life too like that?
My friends finally notice I've been doodling and so they ask to see it...carefully they take my notebook and analyse the page. There's my usual class notes at the beginning and then the exact place where I drifted away into the smooth sailing oceans of a world without expectations.
- "It looks really good," She says, "and meanwhile I was paying attention to something I didn't understand."
- "Thanks." I say with a smile on my lips. I've got my thinking glasses on.
My friend looks at me and thinks to herself..."She's onto something."

Mermaid

I peer towards the top waters. The light barely reaches in these ocean depths. But I see everything. I see all too clearly. The blow fish, the coral reefs, angler fish, the shells of the old hermit crabs, sand dollars, urchins and sea weed. With only the lantern fish illuminating its surroundings every now and then.  Other than that, here, it's pitch dark to normal eyes. 

I stretch out my arms to flip back to face my friends, my fellow people. Most of them love to build. Our technology is quite advanced, I'd say. But I'm more of a traveler. I go far and wide...wherever the currents lead me. During my travels, I've heard of strange creatures called...humans. What an odd concept...humans! The good old turtle with all his mossy shell...like soft fur of some sorts....talks about the life he had experienced while on the top waters. The humans he says have civilizations like ours, big and mighty.

But what is as mighty as the oceans? Nothing. 

I'm pushing my fins to and fro as I swim around a great cliff I found as a child. Who'd want to live a life not in the gentle embrace of the beautiful waters? Who'd want to be limited to such an extent by gravity? 

I don't bother to hear another one of those stories when I see the old turtle talking about the humans to some younger folk. 

Life above the top waters is largely unknown. And no one knows how long the journey would take....maybe a lifetime. Though, I love my life here with my people, my fish folk and the beautiful life I've been leading so far. 

I swim fast, as fast as my fins can handle and stop at the furthest point outside my village. I look in the direction of the top waters and wonder, is there someone out there wondering what life's like on my side?

Gyaan from an Uber driver

Certainly not what I expected on an Uber ride...


I normally listen to music on my headphones on drives like these because I don't think I'd have anything worth saying on the ride...and I don't think the driver would have anything worth listening to. 
But this driver was different.
I was surprised by the wisdom with which he spoke to us. The guy was so wise and had such an interesting perspective towards life and people that I couldn't help but listen.
It was more of a lecture in the Philosophy of life than a regular Uber ride. 

He spoke about how freedom of the mind is true freedom. It's the freedom to see the good in every situation...to focus on the positives when there's negativity around. And how freedom at it's truest form...in the mind...cannot be taken away by anything or anyone. 

He then continued and told us about how friends and family are the people that make life worth living. That it's better to be sufficient with money...but not blinded by it. Because that only leads to unhappiness. And that people with loads and loads of money, fame and the dream life aren't always the happiest...a perspective I personally believe in. People trade off their amazing family lives for the big name and fortune not fully realizing that family life is the best life.
The love and support we get from our few friends and family cannot be equal to whatever amount of money and possessions we can possibly have. 

He said how...Life can be unfair to good people. And that's terrible. But at the end of the story, the wicked will have their punishment and the good will gain justice and rewards for their long-suffering. We don't have to get frustrated when bad people seem to flourish...they will fall out of luck. The truth about a cruel person will come out...no matter how much he tries to hide it. An honest good man will eventually gain justice and success...even if there's many failures that come his way at first.


The main lessons I learnt that night was....
1. There are good people out there disguised as the ones you least expect.
2. You don't have to wait to be at a high position to be influential...you can spread your good vibes at any time, with any job.
3. Wisdom is something anyone can gain. 
4. And lastly, it's good to be open about things like this. We strengthen people's trust in humanity when we're honest and firm in our convictions.

There are so many people out there who think knowledge and wisdom go hand in hand. But that's not true. 
We need more people to be kind and give out positive vibes in this world...there's too much negativity that keeps bogging us down. 
There's nothing to be afraid of...true freedom is freedom of the mind.

To whoever that Uber driver was that day, if you're reading this, please publish a book on your thoughts, I will buy it.  

Beyond the illusion

(Continuation of the previous post)

So often I come across people who challenge the stereotypes of their groups' colour, religion, country, etc by being different from what is spoken about their groups. And I laugh at my stupidity....I laugh at my ignorance. Then? I enjoy the person beyond my prejudices.

It's tough and it takes courage, to see people as they are...not how we want to think they are.

Evil isn't dark and good isn't white.
Evil can be beautiful...tempting...fair skinned....bright. But evil hurts. It takes more than what is offered to it. It forces...it demands...it destroys.

Good can be ugly...scary...dark...repulsive. But good restores. It heals. It's grateful. It gives. It loves...it comforts....it accepts.

It's the illusion set before us, to go by what we see.
Yes, our sight does give us clues to the unseen. But most of reality still remains unseen....unknown.
For the good doesn't boast and evil likes to spread rumours.

I feel obliged to say that inner beauty is hidden. It's not. Not always, at least.

Beauty oozes out, no matter how much you try to keep it hidden.
What is this beauty I speak about so fondly?
Beauty is kindness. And kindness knows no limits.
Kindness doesn't stage a good act like a performance. It just looks for ways to help the other.
It sees beyond the illusions that people mask themselves into. It looks into the person and touches their heart...no matter how bad their works are.

Kindness purifies the soul. And there's a little of it in everyone of us...in equal measure. Everyone has the choice to listen to the voice of kindness... people of all races, colours, occupations, age, gender...there's kindness in you.
Do you want to believe in the voice of truth? Or do you want to believe the lie of the illusion around you?

All the (skin) colours under the sun

I'm increasingly becoming more aware of the boundaries and limitations the people before me have established. And I'm becoming more and more annoyed of these boundaries.

One such boundary is about skin colours.
I've always been really insecure of my skin colour...since I'm brown in a world where paler skin coloured people are almost worshiped while darker people are seen as untrustworthy sketchy people.

I've been really self-conscious about my colour as a kid. Elders would discuss how tan I'd get playing in the sun. So? I stopped. Used all the fairness creams....used an umbrella as shield from the fierce sun and wanted to get fairer...never satisfied with the results I got. 
Overtime I gave up this high standard because it lacked sense to try so hard for something that's not meant to happen. Especially since what I was trying to change was part of who I am.

Few months back I learnt about how the exposure of sunlight causes human skin to create a sort of defense against what could potentially cause harm to the body. 
So if you're light or dark skinned.....it's a way you and your ancestors survived the problems that could arise with differences in the sun exposure in your region.  


I really don't understand people who talk nonsense about people with darker skin tones. It's so immature and irrational. 
I find it immature when people make fun of others for who they are and what they like. 

A few years after I got over my obsession about making my skin fairer...I found to see that the world was more beautiful when I noticed and saw all the colours. I wasn't only focusing my attention on one specific colour, because now that I really see...I find everything beautiful.

So ask yourself today...
Who's making me see the world in black and white?
Who's stopping me to see all the wonderful colours in between?
Because I like the variety of beauty I see when I look at everyone.....because everyone's beautiful.

Everyone's beautiful in their own colour.

(Theme will be continued in the next post)

Truths about learning the violin

(from my diary)

Few have asked me how it's like to be able to play the violin and I'm always without an answer...Because I didn't expect that question.

So here are the lessons or truths I've learnt on my journey while learning to play the violin. Though, it can be applied to most musical instruments and other creative hobbies as well. (Yeah, because all hobbies are difficult to maintain and improve)

1. You will injure yourself and/or other people with your violin unintentionally. 

2. Random jealous people will tell you directly or indirectly that you won't be able to do it or that you'll "eventually give up".

3. You will make excuses to not practice.

4. You will spend days and weeks and even months sometimes without practicing at all.

5. But when you practice daily, you notice clear benefits and improvements. 

6. You will become a perfectionist.

7. Many young people who play way better than you will get on your nerves. 

8. You may feel really competitive or entirely demotivated to play sometimes.

9. Your neck, back and fingers will hurt as you keep pushing yourself to different techniques, longer time durations and new pieces.

10. You will learn to appreciate napping/lying down more.

11. You will feel like you can't do it and consider giving up several times.

12. But you will never quit.

13. Because you know that with the strength of God that powers you to practice, be patient and persevere, you can do anything.

14. Even if it is, playing the violin. 

What are your hobbies? Tell me in the comment section. 

Learning Languages

Living in a country like India, you know the diversity in languages is evident when you travel and you hear someone have a conversation in Gujarati, someone reading in Hindi, while someone else asks directions in Marathi. And these are just the few. 
There's English, Konkani, Bengali, Arabic, Punjabi and Malayalam too. (Others too)

You don't have to read about the variety of languages in India in a school textbook to know it. It exists all around us. 

Thus, language both scares me and inspires me to learn more. 
It scares me as it comes as a barrier when I talk to strangers and so I get really anxious when someone seems to approach me to ask a question of some sort. Because I'm scared I won't understand their language. 

It isn't even that I don't speak or know any other language other than English. 
The languages I know in descending order of fluency are...
1) English - This being my first language, I can read, write and speak with it.
2) Hindi - This language I eventually learnt with fluency levels lower than English. But trust me when I tell you this, when I speak Hindi, I speak it with pride for my country. I can read, write and speak it at a slower pace than English.
3) French - A language I hated in school but after a short break, in college, a new kind of passion was kindled in me towards the language. I can read, write and speak (1-3 words at a time) in this language. 
4) Konkani - This is supposed to be my mother language but I never learnt it. I can only understand when people speak in Konkani. Can't really read, write or speak it.  


Language really fascinates me. When you learn a language, you automatically connect to the people living with that language. And that's quite beautiful. I would really enjoy the company of linguistically diverse friends. (I like diversity in my friendship circles in general actually.)
And so, it inspires me to learn more languages and improve my fluency in the languages I already know. 

In the future, I want to learn Marathi (properly) Japanese, Konkani and Mandarin. Let's see. The list may change as per my interests, time available, easy accessibility of language materials and many other factors.

Languages are something to be proud of. It's an integral part of culture without which we won't have any of the amazing lives we have and share with one another. 

I am even using language right now to communicate this piece of information to you...I know, so cool (and natural that we don't even realize how awesome it is in our daily lives or at least not always.)

Oceans

Strangers.

Are people only strange if we don't know their name?

Does a name really make all the difference?

People don't always live up to their name.

And it could just be a good thing, you know.

A name or what is seen on the outside (eg. looks and dressing style) isn't always what is a complete person. How a person behaves isn't always a good reflection of what's going on in their minds. There are well behaving people with chaotic deceptive hearts and there are bad behaving people with hearts bursting to love.  

I tend to assume a lot things in people by external factors.

And recently I found out how this mindset is only hurting me.

Because instincts are good. Some people give out creepy vibes which end up being true. But not everyone.

People are oceans and if we don't dive deep into their experiences and thoughts, we may just never find out what makes this person the way they are.

In the depths of a person's mind are their opinions, interests, dislikes, beliefs, past, knowledge and wisdom. And the treasure you can find in every person, in the depths of their being is....a reason to love them. Even if it is just platonic. All love doesn't have to be the romantic sort. 

Everyone has this treasure. Some people's treasure are more often found than others. But that doesn't mean those others don't have a treasure, all they need is the right kind of people coming into their lives. 

But you don't have to reveal the oceans of yourself to any random stranger/friend/associate. Be wise and discerning to know who you need to let in your mind. Because many people just wanna see your weaknesses. 

May such people be lost in seas forever, overcome by their own wickedness. 

And may you swim safely in the waters of your heart with the people who genuinely love and care for you. 

Note to self: I need to take more interest in getting to know people. 

Dear friend

As it is "Thanksgiving day",  I thought it would be reasonable to write a thanksgiving letter to all my friends.

Dear friend, 
Thank you choosing me out of all the people in our over-filled classrooms. Thanks for all the jokes we shared throughout class hours as the only means to survive the wrath & boredom of our teachers. Thanks for sticking up for me when our teachers/professors threw me out of class or punished me for petty reasons. Thanks for telling me my drawings were good even though now when I look back, they were terrible.....it was through your motivation I kept drawing and eventually got better. 
Thanks for pushing me towards meeting new people and trying out new things...I found out a lot about myself and the world. You extended my worldview, you introduced me to how beautiful the world could be. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and opinions with me. Thanks for all the support and encouragement you've given to help me be the best version of myself. 

Of course, then things changed and we had to go our separate ways, but I'm still grateful of you for...hurting me, choosing others over me, belittling me, silencing me, blaming me for your short comings, making me feel unworthy, ignoring me... and leaving me. 
   Because I know you didn't necessarily mean to do it (or maybe you did). You were pressurized to do it. You were conditioned to be this way. You believed lies about me over me. 

We all make stupid mistakes. We all have that embarrassing phase where nothing we did made sense to our future selves. 

But I will always treasure you and whatever memories I still have of you. I will treasure those remaining memories that haven't faded yet. 
My heart will never forget my gratefulness towards you, dear friend. Whether you were a good friend to me or a bad one, you helped me become better. And so, thank you.

I'm sorry to all the friends I've hurt. I'm sorry to all the friendships that I let drift away. I'm sorry to all the friends I needed to hurt to be "accepted" or "to prove myself to others". I'm sorry to all the friends I needed to let go of because we weren't the same people we were when we first began our friendship...I'm sorry things changed. I'm sorry I did.
I'm so sorry for the bad friend I may have been to you in the past. 


I understand I can't fix most friendships. Some friendships are beyond repair.
But just know this.....I'm rooting for you to do well in life with happiness, grace and love no matter what kind of history we have. 


From,
Pearl. 

Good wishes

I like receiving greeting cards. And recently I got plenty of them. 
It's nice to see how creative we are in our own different ways. Even when we don't put in the effort to think much about our differences. 

The differences seen in design or colour scheme just makes its visible. 

Even hand writings are so different depending on age or mood or training. 
I find it interesting to try figuring out people by the work they put up. Not saying I'm always successful at it. But it's a forever continuing investigation...because like I always say, "People keep changing."

I like birthday cards and cards for special events like first Holy Communion and Confirmation. I have a pile of such cards that I've collected over the years. I keep them safely. 

It's a paper representation of people's love for me. And I will always treasure them. 

Like I already said in this post, I like receiving cards as much as I like giving them. It's like a personal challenge to make them. (cause of varying preferences and events)

I sometimes just start making a card without a plan or end at mind. This is especially easy to do when you're equipped with loads of washi tape, cut outs and colour pencils/crayons. Collages are really fun that way...making something beautiful with whatever you have. 

Bottom line is this...I like it when you make cards for me. Thank you and always do so in the future whenever the occasion permits it. 

Down the hourglass of life

It happened a few years back.....I had just appeared for my music grade exams about that time. My violin teacher called to tell me the letter containing my result had come, so I went to get it.

I was happy with my result. I had scored a wonderful distinction. I was happy...until I saw that all the other students who had scored better than me. Be it even by one mark...but, I felt bad cause I was the oldest appearing for the exam and yet was no match for them.

It's sad. Because now that I'm far from that day, it wasn't that big of a deal as I thought it was. And I feel stupid for making myself feel unworthy in their presence...because I compared.

I wish it was easy to overcome. Wish it didn't matter. Wish I could only look to how great my achievements are than to compare my successes with people around me. 

Yes, I get it. It is probably good and desirable if you are successful early on in life. But not everyone gets to have that. And I also find it very mean and rude when people pressurize you to be successful even though you've been trying for so long. It's doesn't always depend on me...it depends on a multitude of other factors. (I think economically sometimes).

"It's not like I want to fail at this, Aunt!"
"It's not that it's enjoyable for me to be here while everyone else is done with this obstacle and have moved on to other obstacles."

There, I said it. There'll always be obstacles and problems in life. Even if you're a child prodigy with a Master's Degree at 12. Once you've completed one obstacle, there's another lurking around waiting to surprise you after a while. (Obstacles help us grow...maybe that's why we never seem to get rid of them.)

I can't believe how people are so blinded by the average age and time it takes for most people to do something that they just can't accept the fact that some of us are slower or have different destinies written out for us. I do understand why people are fine with geniuses who finish things faster than the average. It's because of the time constraint...everyone was taught from a young age that someday, we're not going to be able to do what we want to after we retire, get married, have children, and eventually, pass on into the mighty heavens. 

But no-one knows who's time here is long or short.  And here's what I like to believe in.... 
Things may not go as per my timing, but when it does, I'm sure that it'll happen when it's right for me.

Our lives are differently shaped hourglasses....with different amounts of sand.....with different speeds at which our sands flow down....some glasses broken. But we're all hourglasses. We're all human. And we'll eventually get to our destinies...at different times, in our our own ways. 

Germophobic

The first thing you'd know when you first meet me is that...I'm a germophobe. 
Yup, that's me.

I wasn't always this way though...I used to love the dirt. I used to play in the soil as a kid and would be really messy and disgusting. But something happened that changed all of that...I became allergic to dust. And over-time, I stayed away from germs too...especially after I found out how dangerous they could be.

Not many people get this.
And so, I constantly get uncomfortable when people at public places sneeze without covering their mouths. Like c'mon, guys, Basic hygiene!
I guess some people's main life ambition is to start an epidemic. 

Not even joking...there have been so many cases of deaths caused by easily preventable diseases had people been more informed about proper sanitation. Really...go check it out for yourself.

Sometimes I really do feel like telling them. 
"Excuse me, ma'am...please cover your mouth while coughing."

But then I don't because...A) That person is most probably way older than me 
B) I'm not their parent to tell them 
C) It's basic personal hygiene which is supposed to be common sense. 
D) I rarely know the language they speak in.
(Another reason is that they may yell at me and I ain't tryna start a fight)

Life's tough for a person with germophobia. 
I even got bullied for it few weeks back, which is like...so stupid cause their "jokes" weren't even funny and I would've laughed with them if it were. (Yes, I don't mind laughing at myself but only if the said joke was actually funny). There are people out there these days with the sole intention to hurt people in order to make themselves feel good about their own insecurities. Go get counselling, ya'll! No, seriously, it does help. 


At the end of the day, I'll admit my germophobia has calmed down a bit over the years as I've been travelling by public transport everyday. But some people's actions still get on my nerves. I tend to tell myself, "I know it's gross but as soon as I get home, I'll wash my face/hands/arms. Just a little while longer, Pearl." 

And guess what? If you're gonna make fun of my germophobia....don't expect me to give you my hand sanitizer when you ask. 

What about you? Do you have mild/severe germophobia? What about your experiences with yucky people/places? Would love to hear from you in the comment section or write to me directly via the contact form at the end of this page. 

Successes

I'm pretty sure many of us these days have a very specific idea of what success is supposed to look like in life...be it our's or another's. 

But having stopped and thought about it, I'm not so sure anymore.
It's actually quite vague.

I remember having written in high school of the fact that success always requires hard work and perseverance, but when it comes to defining success in each one of our lives over time...the answer is always different.
Because it keeps changing perhaps?
Or maybe the image of a person taking a bath with gold coins is too fixated in our minds thanks to all the beliefs we hold about success without really asking why. 

I had based my career path on what job would give me sufficient funds to make my dreams come true...or at least what dreams I'm supposed to have.....A car, a big house, lots of possessions...It's been the dream for many I guess. 

But is being successful only measured in the amount of income one makes? We've all heard of it. Jobs that are noble but don't get paid as much, while there are jobs that are morally and spiritually questionable yet get paid in gold bricks. 
So why do we put up with that kind of painful comparison if it holds no true value and measurement of what good we're actually doing in this world?

It's really all a big sham which we willingly buy into. Sometimes, quite literally. Buying the things people consider valuable without any real use for it. 

Meanwhile, I've not even started my career but I've definitely started questioning it.
But I will start it soon. So, shouldn't I know what I'm aiming for?

We're all going through life in the maze we've all dreaded. Like the one's we used to play with when we were in primary school. A great way to pass your time...but not live out in reality even though most of us are in this maze, making choices without full knowledge of whether or not it will lead us to the place we need to be...many a times, not even knowing what is the place we need to be at.

Like most people, I have no idea what I'm doing in life and I openly admit it. I try not to envy and desire for things of the elite class knowing that there's another side to their successes that we may know nothing of. Blindly wishing for things we don't really need while underestimating things we have that they don't get to have.
We may never know of the people who run charities for the promotion of their own good reputation. We may never know of the rich business class who go to bed everyday with tears. And we may never see the blessings that come to us dressed as problems. 
We may never know. 

Psalm 92:7 (NKJV)
When the wicked spring up like grass,
And when all the workers of iniquity flourish,
It is that they may be destroyed forever.

But know this...you are valuable, important and loved, no matter how much you earn or don't earn. Whether the government includes your hobbies and personal goals as assets for economic growth or not. Whether your family believes in you and your potential or not. 
You are...everything and more. 
You are.

Writing here on this blog for no apparent reason than to spread postivity seems like the most stupid thing a person could do with their free time. But, this is important to me...even if I don't earn from here for the time and effort I put into this endeavor.

Money, I've learnt, isn't always a good measure of how much you're contributing to your society and the world. Especially taking into the consideration of how disastrous some businesses end up after their leaders let money get to their heads.
And sometimes, getting money doesn't always mean that the work you do is good or productive. There are people working all day long in the hot sun for their crops to grow...and what's their reward? Peanuts.
And the rest of the time, it isn't really a big accomplishment, your parents got you an amazing education cause they could afford it and you got to the place where you are not always because you were smart or had potential but because you had the money to make money....not everyone has that. 

Bottom line is this, we, as a society and as individuals need to stop comparing ourselves based on income and possessions because of oh so many factors and variables that we don't consider while determining the "net-worth of someone" verses ourselves...because we don't know the whole story and we don't even know our own. 
We need to do things and our work with a genuine love for the people around us and for the people we come across in this life. Growing as people is way more important than growing our portfolios. And I'm not saying money is a total evil  to society let's get rid of it. I'm saying that money is important, but it's not everything. 

You are more important. 

1 Timothy 6:10 (NKJV)
 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

How I began writing (as a hobby)

These days I am thinking about my past a lot. This one isn't necessary a good memory but everything turned out great for me.

And so the back-story begins...
When I was in the 6th std (or so), our school decided to start publishing a school magazine. And like any of the kids who assumed they were good at English, I decided to sign up for the Editorial Team. It was a fad and a very convenient way to miss classes as a truckload of the work they were about to do would happen during school hours. Also I just wanted to fit in with them cause I thought they were cool.

The teacher in charge held a sort of test by which she would shortlist a few students from the rest to actually be part of this team.
We had to write an imaginary essay on "I got stuck in an elevator and...". 

Now, I wrote a good essay (My 10 year old self thought). But I guess my good wasn't good enough  to them. And then, the next day or so.....the results came in. I didn't get selected.

The way they rejected me also was terrible. All I remember was.....that teacher and 2 or 3 students grinning and telling me that...."No, you're a dreadful writer and you've not been selected for the editorial team."

I was embarrassed, disappointed and greatly angry at them. 
So I decided that I would start writing a personal diary. And I did. Every time I saw those girls go for their editorial team work and saw them happily postponing their work for cracking jokes...I wrote my envy and jealousy down in paper. The editorial team was like the elite class of school and I was the peasant. It was like my world fell apart. 


But I continued writing in my diary. It's been half a decade since I first started. 
Reading through my old diaries I realize how much I've improved in the quality of my writing thanks to that incident. I would've never gotten so good if I wasn't rejected from the Editorial Team. If I read out my first diary's entries to you, you would probably not be able to understand anything.(Even I don't). 
Unless of course you understand gibberish cause that's the closest I can describe my writing back then. 
I guess it's one of those moments of your past which you look back and think to yourself like, "Damn, that hurt but I wouldn't change it for anything."

It's been a process since then. And I'm still improving. My ability to write out my thoughts have become much clearer and the way I perceive life has sharpened. I remember my day more precisely than I used to and the way I talk too has changed....my sentences are more thought of at least.
Language is impactful and the way we say things matter too. It's a skill worth investing your time in. And the returns are plentiful.

A moment that touched me

-Suggested by a Grace Friend

Back when I was in the 8th standard at school, one day, a teacher decided to tell us an incident that changed her life. 

This is what she narrated to us...
I was walking by the canteen and I saw a little primary school girl staring intently at the ground. I looked over to the ground and didn't see anything so I asked her what was she doing. She told me that she was observing ants. I then looked again, and like the little girl said...there were ants...tiny ants going somewhere in a nice neat line. I was surprised to realize how I couldn't see it before. 
As an adult, we tend to overlook the small joys in life, the simple things. We fill our minds with worries and troubles and miss out on opportunities to be content with little things because we deem them insignificant, but in reality they're not. Even little things are important in life.

It was a lovely story. All of us were greatly amused by the simplicity of the little girl. I too was. 
Then our teacher proceeded and asked us, "Maybe that little girl was one of you. Does anyone remember? Was anyone like the little girl as a child?"

Then I realized when I thought a little bit harder... That little girl was me!
I was really touched about how my quirkiness as a child had in fact impacted my teacher so much that she felt it necessary to share this incident with the whole class. (and possibly other classes too) 
I unknowingly had changed someone's perspective. 
I stared blankly back at my teacher, with flushed cheeks but I didn't say a word. 

Now that I think about it, I still have a lot of my quirks. Though they have evolved into other strange behaviors of mine. They aren't necessarily weird. They're just.....different. 

But I know now that, we can influence people a lot...sometimes...by just being ourselves.

Stay away Birbs

Funny story...but as I logged onto Blogger today...two little birds came up with the content of this post...yes...birds.

In short, two little birbs (birds) broke into our house today...yay.

And me, being the territorial animal that I am...I just had to write this into a blog post or else I was going to lose it. 

So there I was...mixing rock salt with warm water for my salt-water gargle to deal with my throat that has been itching for the entire day while two lil' sparrows decide to come inside.

I heard the noise of something breaking into our house so I asked if anyone else heard that...the response I got was a "No". 

"Meh...must be imagining things" I thought to myself as I continued preparing my salt-water gargle. But noooo....as I continued to hear bird noises all too clear and near to me, I said I would investigate. 

Sure enough...I was right. Two audacious impolite sparrows were sitting on the inner side of my window. Enjoying themselves as they unintentionally (probably) ruined our clothes that were out to get dried, amidst also crossing the territorial boundary of our home.

I know what you're thinking- "It's so normal for birds to come in a house. We don't mind them. it's everyday life for us. It's no big deal that two birds broke your net and came in."

Yes...okay. I get it. But I'm not used to this and neither will I ever get used to this. Why? Cause it's our house how dare you come in without an invitation?

And like I already said before, (I'm territorial,) I do not like people or animals or things getting into a place I consider my territory without my permission.

Probably why I may never have pets. 

Anyway, things cleared up quite easily I think. We closed the windows after seeing they had a possibility of coming in our house and claiming it as their own without legitimate paperwork. Other than that....yeah. Everything is fine....[I say so as I recall all the questions I haven't been able to answer for decades and so they haunt me and my existence till the very end]

Also, just to be clear. I don't hate birds or animals or people. I like and enjoy their presence in my life...but only under reasonable limits. (Not in my house unless I ask them to come)

Discovering Computer Coding

I've always been really amused by how a person can manipulate and direct the superior intelligence of a computer using buttons or keys or settings.

When I was first introduced to coding in the first year of college, a whole new world opened for me and my interests.
It's so interesting how you can change the way a certain computer displays data or the way it processes it. I never even knew computer programming existed. I thought computers just...work...I don't know how...Hardware and Software. I had no idea of the vast numbers of software engineers and programmers who were behind writing the code and testing it. 

Like God always tells me, "Buckle up, Pearl, I'm going to extend your boundaries." My world certainly extended when I discovered this whole new world of writing code. (Can you hear Alladin singing "A Whole New World" in the background? I know I can)

It was amazing. And even after so many years, I still know so little. But that's the beauty of learning...You'll never know it all, so the curiosity and mystery continues for eternity. 

So far I only know HTML, CSS (which is sort of a part of HTML) and a little C++.
But I'm willing to learn so much more if time permits. 

It's always going to be strange for a Humanities student to be this interested in computer programming because I can't really major in it without starting my college life from the very beginning in the science stream. 

But where there's a will there's a way, right? 

I've used HTML coding to change the formatting of my blog before. I found using theoretical knowledge in a practical way very fun. 
There's something about tags and functions that really get to me, you know? In life too, I like knowing the rules, it saves you from a lot of unnecessary trouble. Plus, it's probably there for a reason. Though for the kind of person I am, I always try to find those reasons.

 Computer Programming is very similar to many other subjects. It's like English, some sentences use the same format, the same words...but how you use it to tell your story/thoughts is a skill that needs to be developed by learning to manipulate your adjectives, verbs and nouns.

 Codes are like building blocks for your castle. And I want an amazing castle. Do you?

Incomplete

Can't help it. It's how it is at the moment. 

Since the past few weeks I've hit the strangest obstruction of my life. The obstruction of not being able to complete reading any book I pick up!

Okay fine, I did finish reading the book of Deuteronomy last week or so. But a large number of the books I'm reading still lay in the dreaded "Incomplete" section in my brain.
I'm surprised my brain can follow up reading the same book after leaving it unread for such a long time. But at the same time, my rational brain has lately been acting irrational by adding to my brain-load by adding new books into my already long list of books I need/want to read.

To give you an idea of my mental torture, here's the list of books I'm kinda reading, kinda leaving incomplete for my anxiety to dwell on...and the time since I've started reading that particular book.....
1.Body Language (Hindi): State of Mind That Different Body Postures and Gestures Reveal - Arun Sagar [Around 1 year]
2. The Case book of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle [3 months]
3. Modern Japanese Literature - Donald Keene [3 weeks]

4. Gospel of Matthew - St Matthew [1 and a half week]

5. Around the world in 80 days - Jules Verne [1 week]

Yes, they're good books. Some of which you may haven't even heard about. But I find it really frustrating over the fact that I haven't been able to finish these books and so now they're just annoying my head over and over again pleading to me to finish them off once and for all. 

First, lemme give you a brief idea of why I'm reading each of these books, maybe that will motivate me to work harder towards finally reading them with a new found strength and focus.

1. Body Language (Hindi) - Arun Sagar

I got this book as a gift. Didn't really buy it out of my own choice. It was sitting in my cupboard for about a year (at the time) so I decided I might as well read it because I need to improve on my Hindi vocabulary and what better way to do it than to read about a topic I'm kind of interested in? (Psychology)

2. The Case book of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
I used to watch the dramatized version of this book series when I was 8-9 years old. Now, I have no clue about what happened in those series. All I remember was this...Sherlock Holmes was a cool character. He was a detective, he played the violin, and he fought in a very civilized effortless manner. I had the opportunity of reliving these memories by reading the books and I took it. (Though I did no recall anything and it was like all the novellas were new to me) 

3. Modern Japanese Literature - Donald Keene 
This was available at my college library. And it caught my eye at the literature section because of it's Japanese origin and the fact it was from the Literature section. So far this book was extremely interesting and the style of writing is very unique and pretty; but like stated in the initial paragraphs of this blog post, I have lots of chapters to finish of this book and I'm no where near completion. 

4. Gospel of Matthew - St Matthew 
This is the second time I'm reading all of the gospels from beginning to the end, since during masses and sermons only a tiny extract is used. And many a times, when you take out an extract from the wholeness of the situation in a book, you miss out the context or the understanding of what actually took place.
This goes out for all books, but I'm saying this especially for this Biblical book because the Bible is very often quoted without understanding its context. 
I started reading this book for the second time because I just finished reading the Torah and now I feel I've gotten a better understanding of the Jewish customs and traditions of Jesus' times.

5. Around the world in 80 days - Jules Verne 

I began reading this book after a suggestion by our Book Club mentor. The book started off very slow and boring but it gradually began picking up pace. 
I love the picture it paints with all it's descriptions of the places they travel to but then again, I have no clue how and where things lead later on in the book for previously stated reasons. 

I feel bad for the authors who wrote these books. Cause I'm taking more time to read these books than the time it took for the authors to write these very same books. It's not for sure though, guesswork, only cause I feel I'm taking too long to do so. 

What do you feel? Would you suggest to me any books to read after I'm finally done with these? You can answer these questions in the comment section below.