Is playing it safe worth it?

We all have been bubbly cheerful kids until someone projected their fears onto us. The world is scary enough, than for us to expect and look for flaws and bad things to happen. And some people constantly try and convince us that the world is a bad dark place. It could be true. But what if it isn't? What if all the life I've spent inside my tall thick walls, I've kept everyone out and missed out on beautiful things life has to offer?

Why do we have so many fears anyway? Every worst-case scenario playing on repeat every time uncertainty arises. Who taught us to be so afraid when God keeps telling us..... "Do not fear."

The mind can be tamed, I've heard. So I'll keep an eye on it and hope for the best.

We think we're safe when we play by the rules. The rules were a guide though, not a ruthless dictator. One must always defy the rules that keep obstructing us from expanding our horizons, stunting our growth and disabling us from reaching out to others.

I mean, it's good to play it safe. It's good to want to be accepted by people. But taking risks can yield great returns. And you can't be accepted by everyone. There'll always be someone who disagrees with the life you choose.

But choose that life anyway. And tough it out when problems arise.
Because even if you don't take risks and listen to the advice of everyone around... Life will still be difficult and confusing sometimes. But you'll still overcome.

For the longest time, I've been closed.... People say I'm very reserved... I take a lot of time to open up... And even then, I'm so rigid in my personality.

It's tough opening up to people. It's tough being rejected. It's tough expressing your emotions and thoughts to others.
Because they may not understand.....but some may never understand.
And people may still hurt you somehow no matter how safe you play your cards.

I need to be open anyway. I need to express myself anyway.  I need to proclaim my truths no matter the consequences I might have to face. I need to choose what I know will make me happy even if I end up being wrong. I need to break my walls... Or else, I may always be here... Isolated from people who want the best for me, even if they don't always express themselves properly.

So here I am, this is me. I'm weird. I like and do things many find strange. I try too hard for things and don't want to give up on people. I hate drama but my life is always filled with it. But I'll still be here. I'll still try... Again and again... Even if doomed to fail cause I believe in the goodness in this broken world.

It's somewhere inside of every person... This goodness. I know I can find something to love and respect in everyone if I try hard enough. And I know someone will try hard enough to see all that in me.
Cause I'm just me, you know. I understand how much it hurts to be me... It hurts to be whoever you are sometimes.
But I need to open up my heart to people. I need to believe that they too can be good and mean no harm.... Even if they do cause some harm to me.
I can be strong. And I will be strong....to take in pain and let it change me into being a better person.

Have an open mind and be open to pain... Cause only if you're open to pain... You can fully receive love.

I will be me and you will be you. And we'll get along just fine.

For you, my love

That picture... That flower is very significant to me.

It was the first year of college. I had booked tickets to a college event with my friends. We entered the auditorium and made our way to the seats we had booked. We found that our seats were broken so we talked to a student volunteer who made us sit in the VIP section near the stage.

I was so delighted.

I remember telling God that day that I was so disappointed in guys.... It had been few months since college started and no one proposed to me, nor gave me a flower.

Wow! What a prayer, right?

College is a time where everyone is exploring themselves... Either all alone or through the eyes of another.
It's a time of excitement and self-discovery.

The judges were given flower bouquets...The norm at any function.  Then something very unexpected happened.... 

One of the judges threw his bouquet at the audience. I was startled.

Everything moved in slow motion. The flying flowers... All multicolored...looked so beautiful. It went in all directions. I looked up... The stage light that was so bright, caught my eye. I then saw a white flower.... A flower I hadn't noticed cause of the light. 

And a voice spoke to me, "For you, my love." The flower slowly came down and rested on my lap. I held it in my hand and took this photo. I blushed so much. My friends sitting next to me were surprised I had a flower in my hand and a little confused about the undeniably happy expression on my face.

This photo was a remembrance of that day.

God was there, He was always there. I always ignored it. I always fell away. I always came close to only go further away later. But that day, God heard my silly inner monolog and provided.

After I received the flower, I left the flower there on my seat.... Cause if God gave me love, I will pass it on to another.

Face the music

I have a problem that bothers me a lot. I can't look at people in the eye when I'm nervous.

Somehow it makes me more nervous....so I look here....there...everywhere but the person.

It's a bad habit of mine that I'm trying to break. 

Face the music.

Once when I was playing a duet with my violin teacher, he advised me to always listen to what the other player was playing, not just pay attention to what I was playing. I can't just be in my own world...I can't be out of sync with the rest of the melody. Each tune is supposed to play out in harmony...that was what I was told.

Face the music...Face it.

Many of us learn all types of coping mechanisms throughout the many difficult events in our lives or lack of them. We were engineered to be problem-solvers, yes, but most of the time...we can't get out there and solve all our problems. We need to wait...write out strategies, do it and hope for the best. 

I've had lots of mal-adaptive coping mechanisms...ways in which I'd distract myself from problems and issues happening in my life. Not allowing myself to fully experience things playing out in my life...irrespective of whether they were good or bad, I was so used to being out of sync...I didn't realize it. 

What I have to do with myself, time and again, when I become aware of this is to ask myself "Why?". 

What am I so afraid of?

Why do I think I can't handle the thing I'm afraid of?

Can we (I, me and myself) draw out a plan for me to handle it so I worry less?

This method is very helpful for me. And yes, we don't have to run away from things that are difficult. We can deal with difficult situations too. (Don't underestimate yourself.)

I guess what I'm really afraid of is a negative reaction.

It's difficult to face yourself in these situations and prepare yourself to be strong enough to face any 

reaction...positive or negative.

But be confident in yourself to know that you can face both kinds. You can face the music. I know you can.

The dragon with the whiskers

Travel in the city has always had some element of mayhem. That's what comes with living your life here. This element of mayhem has been created due to the people involved. And like I always say....
People are unpredictable.

Train travel....No-one can live in this city and ignore the pains and joys of this experience.
I had a "rite of passage" experience the day I went to college by train for the first time. It was terrible....Almost missed the lecture cause of the delays.

My memories of train travel are several. Some sweet memories.... Some filled with annoyance and irritation. Some filled with beautiful time spent looking out of the window and thinking deeply.

I think of you deeply, dear city... I think of you as a dragon, dear train.
A dragon... I've always been amused with those mythical creatures as a child. They told me I was born in the year of the dragon and thus my obsession began.

I'd imagine riding a dragon... Being one. And right then... Sitting on a local train... I felt like I was on one. This dragon was twisting and turning... Moving through the city at a speed no alternative transport could provide. There are always people around to watch and make use of this great service... The service of the Indian dragon.

The dragon has whiskers... They seem electric at times. I rarely see the end of it. This dragon is the longest one in the world.

Fly away, dragon.... And take me to the place I need to be. The places and people I pass by, tell me stories of their ansestors and how their bloodline reached our time....all without saying a word... I see it on their faces... Their attire... Their walk.... Themselves.
Don't say anything. I see the years of history in the people and on this great dragon.

I sit in a circle at a mealtime.... And we sat and spoke of tales on the dragon. They were tales of people arguing with one another for a little space. A little space on the dragon... In the city... In life.... We could all use a little of that.

The scenery changes at a rapid speed.... Many people are unfazed. I used to be scared. Knowing a dragon now, I don't think I can be scared of much anything anymore.