Dreaming of you

    A peculiar characteristic of a lot of my dreams is that I am often out of my body, looking at myself from afar. It's an out of body experience that I can't explain. Now that I put it in words, it almost seems to be, that my dreams have an imposter in my flesh, who's trying to steal my life. But it wasn't so. I felt and thought everything that was happening, I could just see it from the outside. 

    A lot of us imagine what we look like from the outside....I do too. But how we're seen by society isn't the topic of this article today...it's about how you see your own life. 

    I grew up seeing and imitating a lot of thing I saw in shows and movies. I tried to fit into characters I liked and thought were cool. (Are we all imposters? Or is this just the imposter syndrome?)

And one of these imitations as a kid, happened to be journaling. It started out on an incident of rejection but turned out to be something that helped me gain a great awareness of myself. It has been 9 years since I first started.

    It’s great to have a way to rediscover who you used to be in the past. I often come back to my old diaries whenever I go through identity crises, which, due to life-changing decisions and my questioning, happens often. It’s a way to peep into your past mind…it’s all the information about you that you can’t memorialize into photographs. Though I’ve heard of another method of using photos in diaries. (I also want try video diaries in the future.)

    When you begin writing all about your day, you begin to learn how to capture every nuance of your living experience and convert it into words. It isn’t that other people can’t feel as much as you do or live boring lives. It’s only that they don’t romanticize their lives the way I do.

    They don’t understand how romantically exhilarating it is, to read one’s old diary entries and feel the fondness of self-love swell in your heart. A certain pride from looking back and ruminating over life and thinking, “Her, I knew her, I was her, I am her.”

    Maybe this is how my strange dream viewing from afar began to conceptualize in my mind. I relive moments of my life by reading diaries and dreaming about them. (I also dream of the future and fictional stuff like any other person.)

         Sometimes I wonder if I could live like that, peering at myself from the outside….in romance of how much I’m in love with the person I’m becoming. Then I realize I’m already doing that, in a way, when I look at the life of the one I love. I capture every moment and keep it in my heart fondly.

I see and I like what I see.

My journey through Mental Health

        I realize the opinion I was born into...that Mental Health didn't matter and I had to just tough it out. I thought therapy and psychological medicines were only for severe cases or for crazies but I was wrong. I now I realize there's a benefit that can be had for everyone.

       My journey began when one of my classmates committed suicide and I promised myself I would do everything I could, to reduce suicide rates in India. But it isn't just suicide, there are so many suffering mental illness patients that go untreated because of the stigma. I chose Arts and started studying Psychology, with an ambition to cure this country in whatever way I can, from the pains of having to suffer alone without required treatment. I wanted to become a psychologist. (I could still become one maybe)

        After a few years of conflicting reasoning with myself, I finally went for my first therapy session to my college's counsellor. She was great. We talked about so many things that bothered me. She guided me out of every dysfunctional rut I was in. She helped me become a better person and I'm so grateful for her. She inspired the article I wrote, "Good therapist, Bad therapist." She was a good therapist. She really equipped me with tools, I think I will always use in my life. I felt safe to have my mind in her hands, there was a trust between us and having her be so similar to me, really did help make that trust so strong. I felt like I didn't have to be a therapist if people like her already exist. The world felt like it was in good hands. My burden of thinking being a therapist would be the only way I could change the world had lightened.

Ever since my experience with her, I've been telling everyone to see a therapist and they've all been offended or annoyed at me. 

Why? 

It's because people still think you have to have something seriously wrong with you to go for therapy. 

I honestly felt that shame and stigma associated with it when I used to go. I would say lies instead of just blatantly saying that I'm going to the therapist, whenever I was asked where I'm going. I eventually got comfortable with saying I'm going for therapy, no matter what the reaction was. Everything unknown is scary, I guess, and then once it's known....it isn't scary anymore.

    A year later I went to another psychologist who wasn't so great. But it still made me feel better, having told someone about it. It isn't a surprise that she inspired me to write the 'Bad therapist' part of "Good therapist, Bad therapist." Though I'm sure she meant well. The fact is, some therapists don't work out. It's ok to go in search of others who will be right for you. 

    I find it utterly strange how slow the stigma for therapy is fading...everyday lives are lost to suicide...lives are ruined with mental dysfunction...or just the sad reality that some people constantly feel like they're living unsatisfactory or underperforming lives. Psychology brings us all together. It builds a path on how to be the better selves we want to be. It is so helpful if people just give it a chance.

Chances are, you're still not going to ring up a therapist and make an appointment for a session. But please, don't judge and shame people who do. Self-help books written by therapists also helps you better understand the way your mind works and how to better treat yourself...all in the comfort of not personally reaching out to a therapist for a session. 

    Everyone needs a little help sometimes. 

    That's the thing, we're never really alone in our problems. There always will be people who want to help you...whether it's a concerned friend/family member or a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. 

I know Mental Health Day 2020 is nearly over in India, but there's still so much that needs to be talked about and encouraged in our society. There's so much we can still do. 

The surprising message of "Cuties"

[Don't get me wrong, I agree the advertising campaign of this movie went horribly wrong and there might have been a better way to portray children dirty dancing without using actual minors. But this review considers the movie as a whole and not just detached fragments of it.]

    About a week ago I watched the media-controversial movie called, "The Cuties". This movie had attracted all kinds of hate and insults. I was well aware of everything as I watched a couple of videos, posts and news channel clippings of the movie. The hate was aimed at how bad the movie director was to make the minors wear sexy clothes and dirty dance. The movie was said to be a way people were abusing and sexualizing children. Then, I watched a video by "God is Grey" regarding the movie and I was like, "WOAH" as she said the movie was about conservative religion and growing up. The video she posted was mostly about the various themes of the movie, the hate it was getting, the intended message it was trying to send and that...I should watch the movie myself to form my own opinion on the movie. I was like, "Why didn't I think of this before? It's so obvious." 

    I thus began my own journey to watch the movie and forming my own opinion about it. I was very critical of it at first, but then the story began to engage me. 

    As the movie progressed I realized the biggest issue about the movie, wasn't the movie but the way it was advertised. The advertisement I saw in the opening week verses now, were two different advertising campaigns. An advertisement is supposed to be a realistic representation of the product. The advertisements before made me feel like the movie was all about young girls sexy dancing in short clothes...but the movie was so much more than that. No wonder the movie got so much hate, the reviews about the movie felt so believable...considering the advertisement campaigns. 

    I'll have to admit that the movie was hard to watch and it made it very uncomfortable, but not for the reasons you think so. The movie follows a girl, named Amy, in poverty trying to find who she wants to be when presented with two extremes, following her conservative religious family and the reckless rebellious dance group at school (the Cuties). It showed the pains of conservative religion on people and how difficult it was for Amy to make sense out of what was happening at home. It expressed how young growing children are so curious of the adult world and how much they romanticize the independence of adults. It showed the duality kids express in different situations...at one time, it's more convenient to use the "I'm just a child" card and at other times, it's more convenient to use the "I am an adult" card...this is a reflection of the confusion that goes on in kids' minds during this transitionary period where even adults treat them as kids or adults depending on what's more convenient for the adult in question. It revealed the holes and problems deeply rooted in our society in how badly we treat children's natural curiosity for the world around them, giving them little to no choice (that they feel the need to rebel) and how we don't explain things to kids because we don't think they'll understand. 

    And what about the dirty dancing? Well, since I'm not a pedophile and found it extremely uncomfortable to watch those scenes, I fast-forwarded it, unlike all the other reviewers, who only watched the movie to see & criticize those scenes. Like, c'mon! The dance scenes were only 10-15 minutes of the whole movie. 

    Personally, the movie made me feel a lot of things. I went to watch the movie with the intention to criticize it, but the story ended up being so relatable to me. I resonated to the main character and her struggles, though, on different levels. Growing up was tough for me too. I had health problems growing up that made no sense to me. The girl group I was in were also kind of rebellious and moody. I wasn't ever given a straight answer or explanation to the many questions I had. The internet was my solace as I spent so much time gaming away, "GoodGame Farmer" & other games....and seeing posts on Google+. I too greatly romanticized becoming an adult and the freedom to choose that would give me. I wanted to grow up quickly. I rebelled in ways and I did a lot of stupid things....I hurt a lot of people....the one person I most greatly grieve hurting was... myself. 

    Childhood and early teenage years are so confusing. The fact is, most of us didn't have supportive and accepting guides to help us on our journey. We were always silenced and pushed aside like children in the olden times, I guess nothing much has changed in that way. We were always underestimated and overlooked cause of our age....no wonder we wanted to grow up as soon as possible. Our society needs to celebrate the beautiful phase of childhood instead to pushing kids towards growing up prematurely. Society has failed to protect kids from having a happy childhood...so many children are born into extreme poverty, are harassed/molested/raped, are made to work for wages and are abused. Our society has failed to love our conflicting expanding minds as we begin to question the values and treatment we get. It has done a bad job at giving us a choice and a space to grow into mature young adults. 

    It really bothers me how badly this film was received by media. Children are being abused in reality by being pushed into sexy dancing and beauty pageants everyday. Kids' clothing at stores are made to imitate grown women's outfits instead of age-appropriate ones. Child YouTubers and other celebrities are growing up in the super critical limelight of the media. Child marriages and labor is being practiced as we speak. Those are horrible and don't get any media attention. But you're worried about the 10-15 minute video shots of minors dancing in a movie? Huh? 

These shots can be easily censored by blurring out or cutting it out from the movie without damaging the main story but what about these other problems? Is it easy to fix those problems?

    Childhood is about simplicity and innocence. It's about running around and not having any responsibilities. It's about exploring the new world around us. It's about asking questions of this new world. It's about laughing, crying and learning to express our emotions...and speaking our minds. It's about making mistakes and being given opportunities to learn to fix them & do the right thing. Because if we learn to live well, happy and balanced during our childhood, imagine what we will achieve as adults. Imagine that.

Online classes don't work (and possible solutions)

 It's dark when the first lecture begins, I switch on the light of my table with freshly brushed teeth...still half asleep when I login for my lectures. 

With gloomy eyes and the sleepy atmosphere, you bet I find it tough to pay attention. Another issue is that I don't eat until the break in between. 

   Online classes have started for those students who have the privilege of an internet connection during these tough times. We're all cozy and safe  in our homes from the dangers of a minuscule yet deadly virus. We are perhaps too cozy, in my case, to focus on what is being taught. 

Initially I was super excited for this academic year, with only economics to focus on, I thought it would be a garden of roses without thorns. I was also excited about the experience of online classes, for years I'd complain whenever I travelled all the way to college, only for the lecture I was rushing for, to get cancelled at last minute. 

    Within a few weeks of online classes, I got over the excitement. It was tougher than I first imagined, because for the first time, I had trouble focusing in class. 

Blame it on the lack of exercise first thing in the morning, running around the place to reach the finish line on time. Or blame it on not being able to see my professors face while they teach. Maybe the issue is in the lack of non-verbal interaction between student and teacher which doesn't take place when the video is off and the teacher goes on explaining. Maybe it's my habit of using my phone/computer for recreational needs and not education (though I'd sometimes watch educational videos as well).

We all know that every real world problem is a multi-factorial issue, and this certainly is.

But if I could blame a single major cause of my impaired focus, I'd blame it on how lazy my brain has become due to quarantine. 

Online classes are great, but the structure that gets students into the study mode isn't really there. 

So how do I get my focus back? I found some helpful tricks.

The truth is, online classes need to be more interactive. And this interaction need not be the traditional way of reading student's facial expressions. 

Teachers can make online classes better/more interactive by:

1. Asking easy and relevant questions in between lectures, not just the beginning and end. For example, if the lecture is about Game Theory, a simple and relevant question to ask would be, "Does anyone like to play Chess? Or Clash of Clans? Or Call of duty?" Most games that are popular today have some aspect of strategy.

2. Having a short (no marks allotted) verbal/written quiz at the end of every lecture to see if everyone has understood. Ask random students, but make sure to distribute rewards to person who gets the answer right. (Rewards like, compliments and praise....or if you're rich then courier a gift box :P)

Another tip for teachers is:

3.  Having Power Points full of colour and pictures.  (Yes, my attention span is that of a Kinder Garden student)

Ways for students to improve their attention during online classes:

1. Asking lots of questions. (I use this, unfortunately too often sometimes because my attention randomly diverts....I'm so sorry, Professors)

2. Stop surfing the net during lectures, Pearl(/other unfocused students)!! Oh my gosh, gotta get this girl a fidget spinner or something.

3. Don't watch your lectures in bed. I tried this once and I kept dozing off for that one lecture.

4. Exercise a little before lectures start. It wakes us up.

5. Eating a good breakfast.

6. Getting someone to supervise you sometimes, like your mom or dad or sibling.

It is really difficult for many teachers and professors to suddenly adapt to such high level technology. Even I had to learn, because I had never been in a Zoom meeting before my lectures began. But since I'm a Generation Z kid, I learnt it relatively easily. I am really grateful for all my teachers who worked so hard to learn so much in so little time to continue earning from their jobs. 

These are tough times but to still have a job, or to still be studying is really a blessing. 

Please note : Students and Teachers who suddenly start screaming/speaking loudly...please have mercy on my ear-drums, I use headphones. 

Good Therapist, Bad Therapist

The conversation surrounding depression, suicide and mental illness has begun appearing in online discussions after the tragic death of a star actor. Talking about these things are important, sure, but to most Indians...there's a huge gap between talking about these things and actually going for therapy. Why is this so? This is mainly due to bad experiences had by people themselves or by hearing experiences of others. So it's totally understandable. Another reason could be due to the misinformation about it.

As for me, having been through therapy under both kinds... the good and bad...I have made some observations. Here's a general list of the characteristics of good therapists and bad therapists based on my experiences:

The Good Therapist

1. You don't feel judged in front of them no matter what you tell them about yourself. You feel their unconditional positive regard when you talk to them about the worst things of yourself. 

2. Their words are always sweet but they know how to tell you difficult truths. 

3. They guide you through their questions and their inputs to help you find your own solutions. This training helps you internalize this method in your mind even when they're not around. (They give you the right tools to be independent of them)

4. Their sessions with you are planned and organized well. 

5. The therapy techniques they use are based on decades worth of psychological research. For example, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

6. They help you trust yourself better and manage your relationships with other people properly.

7. They usually have a long and rigorous training in psychological studies and counselling. They most probably have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology and Master's Degree in a specialized field of Psychology. They may have even done further studies. 

The Bad Therapist

1. They are rude and judgmental. Sometimes you feel like you're talking to one of your neighbourhoods' judgy uncles or aunties. 

2. They do most of the talking during each session...and by talking I mean, advising you on how to live your life based on outdated standards of culture.

3. Their sessions are very disorganized and you get the impression that they didn't plan anything.

4. They usually have questionable education in the field....mostly a small-time certificate or diploma in the field, nothing else. 

5. They don't empathize with your situation, nor understand it properly.

6. They create a dependence in you, either to only trust their advice or the advice of a priest or elder. Cause they think you're too young to know how to make good decisions for yourself so they encourage you to trust yourself less. They act like they have all the right answers in life.

7. They easily get offended.(It might be their anger management issues)

8. They say things like, "When you're in my shoes, you'll know." They basically trivialize your problems by saying things like this.

9. They make big eyes or disproving gestures when you say something about yourself that is out of their realm of what they think you should be doing. 

10. Did I mention that they are very judgemental?

Quick tip! Try to get a therapist whose life is similar to yours, this will help you'll understand and trust each other better. It will also inspire you, to see a person in similar situations as you...thriving mentally. 

Finding a good therapist is difficult, so don't worry about discontinuing your sessions with a therapist that's not helping you. You can explicitly give them your feedback or completely ghost them...don't worry too much about it....the aim of therapy is to help you...not to create a false impression in your therapist's mind that they're helping you, when they're clearly not.

Whatever kind of therapy you've gone to in the past, whether the good or bad, it feels good to have finally said something that you don't feel you can tell other people. There are many truths in life and to speak your own truth is so important. 

Even if you don't agree with the characteristics of what I think good and bad therapists are like, its best to stick with a therapist that works well for your mental health. 

A memoir of my SSC Result Day

I had bought a big packet of chips for standby; the server was buffering as I awaited my results. When the page finally loaded, my jaw dropped.

It’s common to be shocked on first seeing your SSC result, though your actual results could either go above your expectations or below it. Another exception would probably be that pack of chips I had. I take eating unhealthy very seriously.

My result was above my expectations. For a minute, I was surprised I passed. My mom and sister standing besides me said, “Of course you passed!”

But I wasn’t too sure.

I entered that academic year hopeful, excited and high on motivation to destroy people with my final results. Okay fine, maybe the last part was too exaggerated. But I still wanted to do well, who doesn’t?

As the unit tests, practice exams and preliminary exams went by, I got increasing bored of the same portion, the nagging and the hype I felt around me for the golden standard of 90+%.

By the time my actual board exams came, I was so tired of it, that I just wanted to get done with it, whatever the result would be.

That’s why I was surprised on my result day. I had great expectations when I came to the 10th std, but no expectations on my result day.

Maybe I grew numb. Maybe I learnt not to care too much about it. Maybe I realised how much people overestimate the value of SSC results and then stress out everyone else as well.

I didn’t reach the golden standard of 90% but I didn’t do badly either. I was content and more than happy that SSC was finally over.

A new chapter of my life was unfurling in front of my eyes…the new chapter of college life.

For the next few months, people I knew and didn’t know, asked me about my results.

People asked for my SSC percentage…

1.    When it was result day

2.    When I met people after mass, during receptions and at parties.

3.    When I went to secure my admission in college

4.    When I made new friends in college

And many a times...

5.    Randomly when I was walking from point A to B.

It was really frustrating. Actually, it was more strange than frustrating.

Then there would come the unnecessary comparisons with people I couldn’t care less about. People would be like, “Oh, you got only that much? My niece/nephew/son/daughter/neighbour got more than you with …..%”

Like, excuse me, did I ask?

Instead, I’d just laugh it off and consider them, as people who don’t know how to converse properly, like the ones who compulsively talk about my weight.

After those few months, there wasn’t a single word about it. I wondered, “Was that it? Nothing more? Have I finally made it to the other side of the tunnel? Oh great, they have something else to annoy people with now.”

I then forgot about it and everyone moved on. My SSC results occasionally came in the topic of conversation but it was so rare, and by that time I got used to it.

Years later, like today, I’m certain if anyone asks me, I will say, “I don’t remember” and sure enough, I don’t. The one who does remember is that laminated paper in my files whose only job is to remember it.

My point is, all the judgement and hype surrounding SSC and HSC board exams will eventually die down. Whether or not you base your worth on your exam outcomes, more exams will come and go…more challenges will come and go.

But you should always take care of yourself during these tense times. Eat well. Sleep well. Study hard but also know how to have fun and relax.

Because SSC is just another one of those things in life that people put on a pedestal, but isn’t everything. It is important, sure, but not as important as many people say it is.

Crayons (reminiscences of a childhood)

Drawing everyday feels good even if it's just a doodle to those who enjoy it. It's been around 3-4 days in a row that I've been drawing daily. It's nice, it feels good to practice.

Normally I try my best to draw as close to the reference pictures or the images in my mind. 

Today, I tried to do it differently. 

I didn't keep any such standard in my process. I just took my sketch pen, drew some really simplistic drawings with my right hand...I made it a point to draw things I remember I used to draw often as a child. Then I took out my oil pastels and coloured it in with my left (non-dominant) hand. I chose my non-dominant hand purposely to re-live the child-like colouring I used to do in those years. I embraced the nostalgia of my childhood and all the memories of it. 

It was difficult to colour within the outlines, but I let myself be less than my achievable level of perfect. I smiled and coloured as I thought of my childhood spent colouring. 

I remember the smell of crayons and the boxes of them my teachers used to keep in their cupboards. I remember how my eyes would be fixed on those boxes whenever I roamed around in my latter schooldays as well, when I was in high-school. I love the feeling of potential in boxes of stationery and bunches of empty papers. They're so empowering to my mind that's ever ready to create something. (Even if the creation is terrible).

I remember how simple life was at that point. School days spent memorizing numbers & alphabets, drawing & colouring and making friends. It's not that I would want to go back in time, however, I'm just nostalgic.

I remember the old children's shows I used to watch, like Blues Clues, Teletubbies and Dora the Explorer. I also remember how I cringed when I watched it again at the age of 14 or 15. I still want to try food from the Teletubbies even to this day. 

 

I remember all those colouring books I'd get. But had a strange hatred for. I wanted to colour my own drawings, not someone else's. Though, some were an exception. That feeling of wanting to make my own path isn't new, I guess. 

I know how easy life can be when we don't force our paths to be perfect and comfortable...but allow things to happen so that could lead to our growth and improvement. There's so much to learn. But like the crayons I used today that I couldn't help but colour outside the lines sometimes, I'll try to not be to hard on myself when I get things wrong....as it was before in those sweet childhood days.

A friend for every trait

What a roller coaster ride my life has been with such a variety of people I call my friends! I’m pretty sure, you too can look back into the past and see the people who have been by your side when you needed them and the ones who didn't.

Whatever our experiences, shared or personal, we gradually understood the kind of bond we shared with those we called our friends.

I get it, friendships evolve as we do. Some end abruptly and some never seem to end.

I used to be the kind of girl that never understood how people would have friends they knew for around a decade. I thought they were lucky back then.

Now I’m not so sure I care anymore. I’m fulfilled with the way randomness gave me the friends I have or at least, did have at some point.

When I count the number of close friendships I have, I feel rich. This is the phrase I keep in mind when I see the variety and complexity of friendships I’m in....

A friend for every trait.

I like how I see myself reflected through my friends....they bring a whole new dimension to my interests and quirks.

I have friends with similarities in areas such as musical taste, germophobia, social anxiety, aesthetic, philosophical reasoning & logic, faith, aspirations, nerdiness, art style, introversion and so on. One friend can have more than one similarity...but what I really get excited about is when I make a friend who’s dissimilar to me...I see it as an opportunity to learn to see the world through another’s eyes....to see something different, to learn something different....it all excites me.

It took me a while to get to this point, but I no longer need to have people exactly like me in order to respect them....I don’t understand my friends all the time nor have all the same beliefs they do....but I know how to be respectful of their life. It’s so freeing. And it has opened a whole new world for me.

Friends leave sometimes....some, out of the blue, some, expected...some eventually....and some come back to you.

This is always a hurtful experience. Some close friends remain distant...and a void exists between us when we see each other. Another stinging experience is when you see someone who used to be close to you, and now isn’t a friend at all. And some friendships, never take root, they never happen.....even though you tried your best to make it work.

Strangely, some kinds of friendships come back in our lives, through other people. I found a friend who is like a friend I had lost in my life. And you feel the circle of life filling the gap that used to exist....maybe that kind of friendship was important in your life....and the universe felt it necessary to fill it. I felt this recently. I felt no more the regret of the friendship that I had lost.

In the friendship hierarchy, sometimes we find ourselves feeling something unusual...especially for a person like me....love, the romantic kind of friendship. Those friendships bring out the best and worst out of us...and we take every failure extremely personally. But eventually, if were brave enough to love again, we’ll find the right one.

Friends, through their love, teach us to love ourselves. Yes, it can be vice versa too. Self-love can teach you to be a better friend to others. It’s a crazy complicated web you’ll realize, when you try to discover yourself. I think who I am, keeps changing .....and so, I try my best to stay connected to my inner self....I think I’m worth befriending after all....do you consider yourself to be worthy of your friendship as well?

Ghost town

Where are you?

Where have you gone?

When will you be back?

My city is known for its crowds and my society is known for not giving anyone any privacy. The streets now lie bare, without even a handful of people on it. My town has now become a ghost town. There isn't any movement, there seems to be no life on it anymore. But life still seems to be happening behind closed doors...the city is still pulsing and with it our hope continues to beat in our bodies. 

Like my dear city, other towns and cities around the world have locked down and grown silent out of the recent threat that has come into the limelight. The earth is empty in our common places. Is there life on earth? Every place where life was once obvious, is now hiding away in the curtains...

Death, don't find me

I want to live

Would the extraterrestrials chose to spy on our planet now? They would be mistaken if they concluded our earth is without intelligent life due to the current exteriors.

The world around embraces the areas once so rudely claimed by humankind, the trees and greenery fiercely take back the lands...and the animals & birds follow. It's their home too, you know, this earth. We could all share this place. 

The world outside calls us, in all its sounds and visible beauty...but I can't go. 

It's strange how the fruits forbidden always seem so much more tempting than the fruits given. 

Choose the right fruit. Choose to glance at the world outside, wait and hope. 

Until that time, this world shall remain a ghost town.

We will reunite, however, I believe in the warriors of our world and in the power of patience. 

Will the world be taken over by the threat? Will it bloom and bustle with its beautiful chaos ever again?

Institutionalizing institutions (a poem)

They like to forbid

To make my feelings feel invalid

Why don't you branch out, diversify

See the world as a butterfly

The lies you like to memorize

While relevant concerns, you neutralize

The light has given up it's fight in them

He was condemned, now they condemn

Who are you, dear sir, dear lady

To call my rationale "crazy"

Every time they see a spark

They ignore it, unless in a patriarch

I know the world is scary

It's good to be discretionary when necessary

But if fear is all you feel

You need to really heal

What to do at home (a list of suggestions)

It’s a mutual disappointment of how many of the plans and events we looked forward to this month, was postpone due to the current (very honestly real) global medical crisis of the “covid19” virus. Most of us are stuck at home with the biggest question…“How do I spend my time at home without boring myself to death?” It’s no surprise that many of us are finding it very difficult to stay at home because of the lack of things to do.

Meanwhile, me and many of the other people in the world who lie somewhere closer to the introversion side of the extroversion spectrum knows that we’ll manage very well in these times. 

Of course, I didn’t plan on doing only these things this summer, I generally have a mixture of outings and home-activities. But now, in this crisis, it’s best I do stay at home and give you’ll sweet people a list from which you too could do some things, if you’ll want to:

1.             Call up a friend to see how they’re doing.

2.             Watch all the movies, Youtube videos and shows from your watch list.

3.             Re-listen to all the songs on your playlists. Here's my "Calm down" playlist.

4.             Learn from the official YouTube channel “CrashCourse” by Hank and John Green.

5.             Do a course via Coursera.

6.             Organise and Clean up your phone memory.

7.             Browse through magazines for cut-outs for your scrap book.

8.             Scrap book.

9.             Doodle/draw/colour.

10.      Update your CV/Resume.

11.      Practise a musical Instrument.

12.      Create artwork based on each month of the year.

13.      Meditate.

14.      Organise all your storage spaces at home.

15.      Read all the books you find interesting online/offline.

16.      Make a list of your favorite dishes and try cooking them.

17.      Have an indoor spa-day for yourself, by yourself.

18.      Read business journals and research on investments.

19.      Start writing a book.

20.      Exercise! Yes, you can exercise at home. You can use the skipping rope, do squats, push-ups, etc.

21.      Take your supplements. (I take Cod-liver oil capsules)

22.      Create/Do your own skin-care routine. The sun can’t hurt your skin at this time, so take advantage of the opportunity and heal & nourish your skin. You’ll be glowing and radiant after the duration of the quarantine is over!

23.      Record music covers and experiment with music software like Audacity.

24.      Journal your days.

25.      Re-decorate your table/bed/room.

26.      Give moral support to all the medical healthcare professionals in your locality and city. Reach out to them to tell them they’re doing a brave good job. You could even tweet about them. Their work is the needed defence and attack for the survival of humanity.

27.      Ask around your neighbourhood and help out elderly in your area for supplies.

28.      See if you can do an online internship/work from home.

29.      Learn some awesome dance moves from tutorial videos online.

30.      Play video games offline/online on PC and/or on mobile. I currently play Bitlife and Disc Pool. I’m open to your recommendations too.

31.      Sharpen your Maths skills.

32.      Brush up on the local language.

33.      Research about courses after graduation/career options.

34.      Remind yourself and keep the faith that we will get through this.

      That’s all, for now. I hope this list was useful to those who usually spend all their recreational time outside.

This list can be used for other times too not just during this crisis.

I know it’s very frustrating and you wish this all could end. So hope for a cure and suitable immunizations. But until then, focus on the things you can do, instead of dwelling on things you can’t do.

I was very annoyed when my last two exams were postponed for precautionary reasons. I was really looking forward to it ending. My condolences go to all those who had weddings and other such celebrations this month. My sympathies also go to local businesses that will suffer due to this shut-down.

Stay safe and don’t put your life and others in danger by acting impulsively and irrationally.

I will blog more often these days to keep you company. Take care, my dear friends.

This article has taken inspiration from 3 of my personal journals. This also is the most interlinked post I've ever written with links from official sites, Youtube and the Google play store. 

When taps run dry (The Water Crisis)

Home is where all our comforts are: A good water supply, electricity, our valuables, food and a place to rest. Beyond these, are what people call “luxuries”. On the day our water supply was cut off abruptly, I realized those simple needs were actually somewhat of a privilege. 

Friday, the 31st of January, 2020 was the same day our economics professor talked to us about how people in some areas of Maharashtra, particularly the people of Vidarbha, Marathwada and our Tribal people, don’t get a good water supply, are alienated from their lands, don’t get electricity or anything worth calling a formal education. I listened keenly as I do for every lecture, felt bad for those Maharashtrians and went my way. I didn’t know I was going to taste the same kind of suffering people from those areas have to face every day. (I said “taste” because I know it is way worse.)

And so, the woes started when the taps ran dry. The constant filling of mugs and the depleting water from our buckets after every use made me feel scared about how I'd live without this precious resource that I took for granted. I felt the water-crunch when the last of our buckets were going to get over. It was frustrating trying to find out when the pipelines will be fixed by checking the news, trying to call for tanks, asking friends if they were affected by this crisis, wanting to go about my usual germophobic ways, but unable to, and (the obvious) getting really angry about how I couldn’t go about my usual routine. 

It was a trying time, and all I thought about was the people close to home, in Maharashtra, who have to face this frustration every day. 

On Wednesday, the 29th of January, 2020, a water supply pipeline burst during Metro work in Mumbai. Localities in Bandra, Santacruz, Andheri, Jogeshwari, Kurla and Ghatkopar were affected by it. (1)

People talk about how water is "life-giving" all the time. People feel bad for other people all the time. But what then? Why do we allow ourselves to move on with our regular lives without doing anything but complain?

I felt so crippled and obsessed with water for the next 48 hours. I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied until I could see the taps running into those half empty buckets.

My story had a happy ending at the start of 2nd February, 2020 when the water supply was restored in our area. But many of our own people still continue to suffer. And while the news may cover their afflictions sometimes, nothing seems to be solved in the end. I don’t want that to be the end for them. People are dying and suffering because of our overemphasis on the insignificant pettiness of our individualistic lives. I know there’s an epidemic happening, civil unrest due to rising skepticism over Government policies, crashing aggregate Indian demand, religious/racial intolerance and probably 10 other things that’s going wrong right now. But I’m going to have to ask you, is that all you can do?

Maybe we should learn more from water, reaching to all the surfaces it can to the best of its abilities. We should reach out to others to the best of our abilities. 

Be desperate for change; the good kind of change that will truly help your people.

References:
(1) Information received from online news from “the Hindu” official website.

Looking back (on 2019)

It's obvious when a blogger doesn't blog as much that something is wrong.

Though, like my friends always say, most of my problems are internal, in my head. I haven't been writing cause of too many things going on, both in my head and in my life. (Yes, I know most of you'll too face this issue). But we all need to make time for the things we enjoy doing, even if there's no direct benefit.

My life is and has always been an emotional rollercoaster. I cry as often as I wholeheartedly laugh. I admit I have emotions and sometimes overindulge in them as I try to find out ways to get on with my life.

I like to put myself into crisis it seems. I like to overburden myself with plans, goals and deadlines. I like to push myself to breaking point. (And then it feels like I'm breaking apart)

But the past year, the last few....say 4 months, I've been taking it easy. Maybe I took it a little too easy.

I lost all motivation as my motivation was fueled by me being a big bully to myself. When I attempted to stop, I found that I couldn't do anything anymore. I cancelled plans, I extended deadlines. I went way past my comfort zone. I told myself it's ok. Slowly, I'm regaining my motivation by encouraging myself to be the best I can be.

I changed. There is no constant me however, that's what I learnt last year.

I also learnt the value of adjustment.

I learnt I take a lot of time to process events. I learnt that most of time when I go through a problem, I don't want solutions...I just want to be heard and seen. A lot of feelings I felt as a child, came back again, (with vengeance) and yes it was different...the situation, in health and mind...but I guess it's one of those moments where you feel helpless as a child and have to remind yourself that you're an adult now. I can make my own decisions now, I can use what I've learnt to think differently, to see life differently.

In the last few months I stopped regularly blogging, I would write a blogpost and then immediately reject  it & delete. Writing this blogpost too I've realised, that I'm not sure about a lot of things. I don't know if it will work for sure. If I use this rationale, nothing in life is for sure. 

Not everything that I became good at, I initially cared much about for the future. And yet, the things I just did, without any expectation, worked out so well. Whether it was music, friendships, journaling, drawing and so on....taking one big decision at a time, hoping for the best and being prepared for the worst has probably become my life's motto right now.

Balance is something so simple yet hard to achieve. The star sign I was born with depicted what I now aim for in my emotions and reasonings. 

A balance between self-love and constructive criticism of self is needed. A balance between always blaming yourself or others in a problem is needed. A balance between breaking irrational rules and following rational ones is needed. A balance between work, learning, social life and alone time is needed. A balance between emotion and rationality is needed.

I'm not sure what the future of 2020 holds for me. I don't know the fate of my blog either. But if I haven't already made my point clear (which I don't very often) it is that, life is unpredictable and I should accept that. Lots of changes have happened last year and will continue to happen this year, I hope the change is good as it always has been. I'm changing as I am learning. And I'm learning as I'm questioning.

I'll take a midnight walk into the dark depths of my insanity and realise, I've accepted the oblivion. And in accepting the darkness, it often times, turns into light.