14 Perks of Diary Writing

    

    Like mentioned earlier on this blog, I have been writing a yearly diary since the year 2012. It was a fad I wanted to follow that I kept seeing in movies and shows…and you know what? I’m glad I did. It has helped me throughout the years for multiple reasons. 

There is something romantic about picking up my diary anytime during the day or night and just writing my heart out. The way the pen scratches and makes an impression on the paper…the way the ink glides and guides me on the path to balance and peace…and the way I don’t notice how many pages I’ve written until my train of thought reaches its station. 

Diary writing has been the reason I run out of books to use for it every few months. I think for just this year, I’ve already used up three 200-page books! But it rarely feels like a task like it used to feel when I just began. Writing just comes naturally to me now and some might say I keep way too many diaries!

Before further ado…let’s get into the many perks of diary writing:

1. Improves grammar and writing skills

Here’s the perk I noticed instantly after reading past diaries. In my first diary, my hand-writing was horrible and unreadable. It had too many grammatical & spelling mistakes to decipher. In just the next year’s diary, the writing actually made sense and the improvement was drastic. I was surprised.

2. A place to vent

My diary is my preferred place to vent out all my uncomfortable feelings like sadness or anger. It feels safe to write all the curse words and depressing thoughts you have ever thought about. And the best part of this is…the feeling of relief and well-thought out conclusions you come to after a long session of diary writing. It feels like therapy. No need to burden another person with your problems and the expectation to understand…nor having to wait patiently for your close one's availability…just pick up your diary and a pen and get on with it!

3. More fluid writing

Since the first years of writing in my diary, I’ve noticed how easily I can write sentences that are connected to each other. It isn’t a random rambling of detached thoughts and people who have read any of my essays lately, also testify the same. 

4. Better emotional control

Because of repeated self-soothing and compassion that I accomplish through diary writing, I feel more at peace and control of my emotions. Emotions don’t overwhelm me as much as it used to (it could also be the fact that I’ve grown a lot since then). I can now more easily hold on to anger or discomfort and express it in a healthy way like diary writing. 

5. A healthy coping mechanism 

During phases of my life in which I used to not write in my diary as often, I noticed how easily disturbed I was and how much more likely it was that I’d indulge in unhealthy coping mechanisms like stress-eating, temper-tantrums and so on. I really felt very mentally exhausted and overwhelmed in the times I didn’t or couldn’t write it out which caused my mind to feel like stagnant water. 

6. No rules 

A big perk to diary writing is that there is no way to do it wrong. You create the rules and you are the only authority. If you want to write a 3-page manifesto at the beginning, or imagine what would it take to break into your school, or rant about your annoying friend for 10 pages…there isn’t anything or anyone stopping you from expressing yourself. Go do it!

7. Improves memory

I noticed how much more easily I can hold on to details of my day because I normally do so to be able to write down that detail in my diary at the end of the day. Many of my friends also agree that when it comes to details of my day, no-one can beat me on my recall. (Given I was paying attention)

8. Improves conversation

The thoughts that I express in conversation has greatly improved because of years of training to write my thoughts in diary. I can put complex feelings & experiences into words and this is what helped me in my conversations with people in real life. I can express myself to others more easily when I can express things to myself well. 

9. Opportunity to decorate

Diaries are an amazing opportunity to decorate! Be it the cover or the pages in between. Use all the cool art supplies you have and go crazy. Use beads, ribbons, cut-outs, drawings, tickets, stickers…write the year in calligraphy, block or graffiti-inspired fonts. Do whatever you want and be pleased with your creation. 

10. A treasure chest of good (and bad memories)

This is my personal favorite. I love how easily I can journal about my most beautiful memories of my life as they happen. I can remember every detail of it. I don’t have to worry about forgetting the good times cause it’s all there in my diary, systematically dated. I have so many memories, etched into paper that I can always go back to and relive. 

11. Tracking goals, habits and appointments

It’s hard to keep track of everything you need and want to do. This is why journaling helps you know what your goals are and actively pursue them. You can track your progress on building or breaking a habit or your next dentist appointment or even a school function. It’s easy and it’s all in one place. (And there’s no way your book’s battery will die, unlike electronics)

12. Feel them later

There have been many times when I have scribbled away a difficult feeling or experience and then referred to it later after I’ve calmed down to re-evaluate myself and my reaction. This helps me look at my responses to stress and assess what beliefs/biases are hurting me & my life.

 

13. Improves writing speed and stamina

In the process of writing everyday or every time you're overwhelmed, you find that you can easily write several pages without tiring over time. Suddenly, writing exams and assignments are easier and you get done faster than before. Even note-taking during classes and lectures are effort-less after starting this adventure. 

14. Looking into the deep past

It’s just a fun thing to do I guess, reading old diaries & seeing how the problems you once faced & cried about, are long gone. It’s hilarious to read about the people I once liked and the friends I once had. I love the nostalgia. But I love seeing myself grow and discover this beautiful world, again and again. It gives me a sense of gratitude for having this life and it also gives me hope imagining an older, wiser version of me looking back and laughing at my present-day problems that also got resolved eventually. It’s a magical experience of pseudo-time travel. 

There are times of great stress or change when I feel my sense of self spinning. It's so uncertain about who I am sometimes that I look back to see who I used to be in my journals. It gives me a sense of stability despite always changing and growing through life.

Did I convince you to keep a diary? I certainly hope I did. 😊

Cyclone, trauma and panic attacks

    

    Cyclone Tauktae came at a time when the Indian people were already exhausted with the 2nd wave of the Covid-19 pandemic. It sent thunder and heavy to light rains to the entire country. It devastated lives and livelihoods. And it really made worse an already grim situation in our country. The cyclone passed near Mumbai city day before yesterday and brought with it terrible winds, heavy rains and a scary combo of thunder and lightning. 

    In the locality I live in, we had thunders and rain throughout the day, as well as aggressive winds. The huge tree outside, clapped its leaves with the winds as it tried to hold itself up. Many leaves fell, many branches as well. Thankfully, no fatalities here. When I opened my window, I was horrified by the way the winds were making that tree sway so violently, doors and windows of my neighbours banged and swayed along. 

    When the night came, it was a sleepless one. I spent an hour or two overthinking about everything. I had written in my diary before bed. And some of those sentences kept looming in my mind. I always get annoyed when I don’t have pen and paper near me during these times. I get so inspired when I relax and think in bed. I was trying my best to calm my thoughts to sleep. And once I did…

The loudest thunder crash of my life decided to show up and ruin it.

    I woke up with a freight…screaming and crying. I had the most intense panic attack ever. I had had panic attacks before due to nightmares. But never like this. Never have I heard myself cry like that. I was scared of my own cries. I gasping for air….my heart, racing. I felt pain in my chest. I was shivering with fear. My whole life flashed in front of me when the lightning had struck. I seriously thought I was struck by lightning. I can remember the sounds of my scream-crying as I type out this piece. My reaction is still unbelievable to me. I didn’t know what was happening to me or what was happening around me. 

    Anxiety and panic attacks are very similar. Panic attacks are more severe and tend to happen suddenly. Anxiety attacks gradually come in and range from mild to severe. The symptoms of each of these attacks are also very different and thus the way of dealing with them, differ as well. (to read more about this, click on the link in the references)

    My mom came to the bedroom to see what was all the commotion about. I hugged her and asked her to sing something to calm me down from my panic and breathlessness. She sang me a hymn and after around 10 minutes, my breathing slowly stabilized. Listening to her heartbeat and singing helped me overcome this episode of panic. After I calmed down a bit, I still felt awfully scared of the lightning. I was too scared to live! That’s when this thought came to mind: Is it better to just die in a frightening situation than to live with a trauma? 

    For a while the lightning kept crashing, though they were softer than the one that had awoken me, I was scared of its random lights and every conductor of electricity around me….water and metal. I even felt scared to approach the area near the windows, for fear of getting electrocuted. 

    I imagined how death by lightning would feel like, and it was a horrible thought. 

    Plans changed. Instead of trying to fall asleep, I tried my best to not sleep. I shut my ears with my hands and curled up in a fetal position even when there wasn’t any lightning happening at that moment.

    Every thought turned rancid. Every attempt to calm myself down with beautiful imagery failed as my newly traumatised brain turned it into a morbid version of the thought. 

    Lying down in bed last night made me wonder if I’ll always be afraid of thunder and lightning. I also was embarrassed by the way I scream-cried. I thought about everything as I desperately tried my best not to fall asleep. Though, it was something to get scared of, right? I judged and then corrected myself. It really was a scary occurrence. I need to be kinder to myself. I removed my hands off my ears and laid down in a more relaxed comfortable position.

    I googled more about the cyclone and tracked where it had reached. I went on Instagram and laughed at cute dog videos. I looked at my windows to spot lightning and then covered my ears promptly when I saw one. It almost looked like will-o-wisps when small ones came. I was honestly scared my fear would cause me hallucinate some scary fictional beings. 

    The sun was starting to rise and I saw the gradients of white change through my windows. When it was 8 am and wasn’t thundering anymore, I decided to sleep. 

    The wind was still blowing violently but at least it wasn’t as loud and scary as the thunder crashes, it was more or less…calm and peaceful. 

    Big question…did I wake up my neighbours with the sound of my weird scream-crying?

Post-Script: More than 24 hours later, I remember my weird wailings in the night and laugh. It really does seem funny, the way I reacted to the situation. :P

A baby cries in the distance, its voice echoes on the building walls. All I think about in that moment is that, 2 days back, it was my cries echoing after the lightning strike.

References: https://www.healthline.com/health/panic-attack-vs-anxiety-attack#symptoms

https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/cyclone-tauktae-updates-ins-kolkata-rescues-2-survivors-101621314710101.html

Another person in the crowd

Would the absence of one person be felt in local trains or crowded streets? Would there somehow be someone who noticed your absence and felt the emptiness inside them eat a void into their hearts? Would an absentee be felt in a class filled to the brim with students of all types, loud and soft, diverse and bland? Would the world so big and mighty feel your absence if you weren't in it? The quietness of outer space, with incomprehensible noises echoing in the distance, makes no sense, so holds no meaning to you....how could yours hold any meaning or worth then?

The stars make patterns in the sky, and you make patterns in the sand...only to be changed in a matter of time. 

So what's the use?

What's the value of life?

What's the value of my life?

Should I stay? Should I go?

Life is so unpredictable. We feel the highs and lows...and try to make sense of the middle. The middle sometimes being the feeling of numbness.

I notice the ones at the train station. Even if my mind wanders, I still scan your face in the crowds. When the vehicles on the streets pass me by, I look for your face in them. In the loud and noisy crowds, I look through each face, like browsing through a clothing rack, in search of you.

Where are you?

You are a loved one of mine.

Even if strangers, I recognize you and feel a sense of security and comfort arise in the familiarity of your face. 

I have an expectation of you at your bus stop and in the over-filled classrooms of my city. We might have never even spoken, but I remember you.

I remember when you ate a certain snack on your way home as you stared at your phone screen and laughed, almost loudly, at a joke you read. I saw your face light up at the sight of the sea and the salty ocean breeze as you took that path along the seashore. I noticed you from a distance by the way you walk and the silhouette of your body. 

I know you and appreciate having such a unique specimen to gaze at and admire.

I respect you when you're near, loved one...whether you're a friend, a family member, a helper, an authoritative figure, a colleague. I see the peculiar way you eat and the intricacies of your preferences I try to find out. I register our moments in my mind and recall them whenever I feel down. I say it sometimes, but not enough, "Thank you." But maybe when you feel the need to hide all your emotions because you feel you're too much, I should say, "I see you and I'm trying to understand how to be there for you."

I guess I'll never succeed in making this place and my heart as comfy and homelike as you need me to be. But I will always try to....and I'll never stop trying to. 

I won't lie to you...The world will go on without you. But to the ones who notice you from a distance or from up close....we will definitely miss you. We will feel a feeling of vacant space in our hearts when you leave. We will feel light-headed of the place in our minds where you were, when you were on our minds. 

We will surely feel the cluttering way worry comes...first a little, then a lot. Then it will all disappear when we see you the next time. After the short hiatus taken by you due to illness, family issues or other troubles. 

Maybe we are all lonely and don't make sense in this world. We sometimes question the roles we play in life as a whole. Some find purpose, some don't. Some find stability in that, some are fine with the ambiguity. We all need some recognition for our efforts. We all have people we admire and look forward to seeing though, be it a stranger or a known person. 

In this life we are but lonely. But know that there are always people willing to take their life's journey with you. For then, we will be lonely but together.

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My journey through Mental Health

        I realize the opinion I was born into...that Mental Health didn't matter and I had to just tough it out. I thought therapy and psychological medicines were only for severe cases or for crazies but I was wrong. I now I realize there's a benefit that can be had for everyone.

       My journey began when one of my classmates committed suicide and I promised myself I would do everything I could, to reduce suicide rates in India. But it isn't just suicide, there are so many suffering mental illness patients that go untreated because of the stigma. I chose Arts and started studying Psychology, with an ambition to cure this country in whatever way I can, from the pains of having to suffer alone without required treatment. I wanted to become a psychologist. (I could still become one maybe)

        After a few years of conflicting reasoning with myself, I finally went for my first therapy session to my college's counsellor. She was great. We talked about so many things that bothered me. She guided me out of every dysfunctional rut I was in. She helped me become a better person and I'm so grateful for her. She inspired the article I wrote, "Good therapist, Bad therapist." She was a good therapist. She really equipped me with tools, I think I will always use in my life. I felt safe to have my mind in her hands, there was a trust between us and having her be so similar to me, really did help make that trust so strong. I felt like I didn't have to be a therapist if people like her already exist. The world felt like it was in good hands. My burden of thinking being a therapist would be the only way I could change the world had lightened.

Ever since my experience with her, I've been telling everyone to see a therapist and they've all been offended or annoyed at me. 

Why? 

It's because people still think you have to have something seriously wrong with you to go for therapy. 

I honestly felt that shame and stigma associated with it when I used to go. I would say lies instead of just blatantly saying that I'm going to the therapist, whenever I was asked where I'm going. I eventually got comfortable with saying I'm going for therapy, no matter what the reaction was. Everything unknown is scary, I guess, and then once it's known....it isn't scary anymore.

    A year later I went to another psychologist who wasn't so great. But it still made me feel better, having told someone about it. It isn't a surprise that she inspired me to write the 'Bad therapist' part of "Good therapist, Bad therapist." Though I'm sure she meant well. The fact is, some therapists don't work out. It's ok to go in search of others who will be right for you. 

    I find it utterly strange how slow the stigma for therapy is fading...everyday lives are lost to suicide...lives are ruined with mental dysfunction...or just the sad reality that some people constantly feel like they're living unsatisfactory or underperforming lives. Psychology brings us all together. It builds a path on how to be the better selves we want to be. It is so helpful if people just give it a chance.

Chances are, you're still not going to ring up a therapist and make an appointment for a session. But please, don't judge and shame people who do. Self-help books written by therapists also helps you better understand the way your mind works and how to better treat yourself...all in the comfort of not personally reaching out to a therapist for a session. 

    Everyone needs a little help sometimes. 

    That's the thing, we're never really alone in our problems. There always will be people who want to help you...whether it's a concerned friend/family member or a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. 

I know Mental Health Day 2020 is nearly over in India, but there's still so much that needs to be talked about and encouraged in our society. There's so much we can still do. 

Looking back (on 2019)

It's obvious when a blogger doesn't blog as much that something is wrong.

Though, like my friends always say, most of my problems are internal, in my head. I haven't been writing cause of too many things going on, both in my head and in my life. (Yes, I know most of you'll too face this issue). But we all need to make time for the things we enjoy doing, even if there's no direct benefit.

My life is and has always been an emotional rollercoaster. I cry as often as I wholeheartedly laugh. I admit I have emotions and sometimes overindulge in them as I try to find out ways to get on with my life.

I like to put myself into crisis it seems. I like to overburden myself with plans, goals and deadlines. I like to push myself to breaking point. (And then it feels like I'm breaking apart)

But the past year, the last few....say 4 months, I've been taking it easy. Maybe I took it a little too easy.

I lost all motivation as my motivation was fueled by me being a big bully to myself. When I attempted to stop, I found that I couldn't do anything anymore. I cancelled plans, I extended deadlines. I went way past my comfort zone. I told myself it's ok. Slowly, I'm regaining my motivation by encouraging myself to be the best I can be.

I changed. There is no constant me however, that's what I learnt last year.

I also learnt the value of adjustment.

I learnt I take a lot of time to process events. I learnt that most of time when I go through a problem, I don't want solutions...I just want to be heard and seen. A lot of feelings I felt as a child, came back again, (with vengeance) and yes it was different...the situation, in health and mind...but I guess it's one of those moments where you feel helpless as a child and have to remind yourself that you're an adult now. I can make my own decisions now, I can use what I've learnt to think differently, to see life differently.

In the last few months I stopped regularly blogging, I would write a blogpost and then immediately reject  it & delete. Writing this blogpost too I've realised, that I'm not sure about a lot of things. I don't know if it will work for sure. If I use this rationale, nothing in life is for sure. 

Not everything that I became good at, I initially cared much about for the future. And yet, the things I just did, without any expectation, worked out so well. Whether it was music, friendships, journaling, drawing and so on....taking one big decision at a time, hoping for the best and being prepared for the worst has probably become my life's motto right now.

Balance is something so simple yet hard to achieve. The star sign I was born with depicted what I now aim for in my emotions and reasonings. 

A balance between self-love and constructive criticism of self is needed. A balance between always blaming yourself or others in a problem is needed. A balance between breaking irrational rules and following rational ones is needed. A balance between work, learning, social life and alone time is needed. A balance between emotion and rationality is needed.

I'm not sure what the future of 2020 holds for me. I don't know the fate of my blog either. But if I haven't already made my point clear (which I don't very often) it is that, life is unpredictable and I should accept that. Lots of changes have happened last year and will continue to happen this year, I hope the change is good as it always has been. I'm changing as I am learning. And I'm learning as I'm questioning.

I'll take a midnight walk into the dark depths of my insanity and realise, I've accepted the oblivion. And in accepting the darkness, it often times, turns into light. 

Food isn't the enemy

I experience....social anxiety while eating.
This post is a reminder to me and to all who suffer from similar problems while eating, that says the obvious (that isn't so obvious at times).... Food is not the enemy.

Food isn't an enemy. It's a friend. I don't care about how many people told you otherwise. It doesn't make it true. Food will help you do everything you need to, by giving you the strength, nutrition and repair that your body needs.
People may have made you feel small and insignificant cause of what? Eating slowly? Eating less? That's ridiculous. Cause there's obviously more to life than just eating.
Some have even tried to make you jealous by how fast and how much they can eat. But there's no shame in knowing your limits and sticking to it... You know how much you can eat and you don't overdo it. You shouldn't pressure your body to take in so much food when it doesn't want as much. It's alright. It's great to know about yourself.

People pretend to know you.... Know why you're skinny... Know why you eat in the time duration you do. But they don't know anything.
And maybe I know they don't know me at all, nor what they're saying.... But it still hurts.

Because I thought we were cool. I thought you were my friend. Maybe the hurt I feel is my shattered expectation of that person being decent and respectful of me.
Because it would literally kill some people to think of others for a change.

Turns out, even I don't know those people all that well. Cause who knows about their insecurities? Maybe this is just one way they get to be better than me in something.

I'll let this one slide.

I may have had a bad relationship with food throughout my life. This weird hatred for food, fueled by my insecurities, thoughts on how it seemed to define me in front of others, comments, unsolicited advise and so on, had led me to feel so anxious while eating.

Well the truth is, it doesn't matter. The way I eat, how much I eat, how slowly I eat... doesn't matter at all.
What matters is that I'm healthy.
What matters are the cherished memories I share of my loved ones during meals. What matters is all the people who have willingly listened to me explain to them about my eating problem and have taken me seriously. What matters is the enjoyment I aim to have at every meal no matter who is there and what they will say about my eating choices. Because I already know and choose what's best for me and body and your hurtful comments aren't.

I really look forward to the day eating becomes something very casual and stress-free for me. But until then, I can always try, right?

Plus, good people aren't always fast eaters.... Just saying.

My mind is a seashore

Thoughts...they sometimes clutter my mind a little too much. The reoccurring thoughts of worry keep resurfacing. So I force myself to not think about it. But it keeps coming up again in growing levels of annoyance. 
My mind is a seashore. I keep throwing these thoughts into the ocean...wanting to drown it. But again I see it on the shores...again and again. 
So I pick up the thought and see it...observe it clearly...without the waves of my emotion from distorting the truth about that thought. And so I see it and accept it for what it is. Suddenly, it vanishes. 
And I don't have to drown it no more.

There's still garbage thrown into the ocean of my brain. Comments and insults people have made about me over the years. Ideas and broken mirrors of who they want me to be....are the debris in this ocean. They keep being washed ashore. They are not who I am, no matter how they try to make me feel so. 

This rubbish being brought to the seashore, disturb me trying to make sandcastles. They don't let me enjoy the rocks, the sands, the company of the sea-snails and the soothing ocean waters of the undiscovered potential of my mind. 

I take out the trash, one by one. I hope for protection over my ocean. I extend my boundaries...I raise my standards of the people I allow in my mind. 

My mind is a seashore. And if you respect my ocean, you're welcome here. Soon it'll be clean and I will fully behold the majesty of all that it is....all that I am.  

The assertiveness game plan

I am strange, there have been times in my life that I allowed people to use me like a rug and times I stood up for myself despite the odds.

But I'm not exactly what you'd call assertive. I'm getting there though.

The idea of assertiveness is often mistaken for being bossy and rude. That was at least what was on my mind about it.

It's a spectrum of behaviours. On one end, it's people being spineless and letting everyone take advantage of them. And on the other end, it's people being bossy, demanding and controlling of others.

Assertiveness is a healthy balance between the two extremes.

It means asserting what you want and don't want but also being willing to compromise to be on the same page.

There have been times I had to show people the door because they couldn't come to terms with me calling out their misbehaviors. And I used to feel bad about it and so be the one to adjust myself to them instead. 

But now I know that what I tolerate is what I'll end up with.
And there are normal people who'll respect your boundaries.

So here's the game plan I formulated for myself to be more assertive in my life...

1. Know yourself
It's only with realistic knowledge of yourself that you'll be able to differentiate between people being mean and people telling you to improve on your flaws. 

2. Accept yourself
If you find out there's something actually incorrect about something you do or say....accept it and work towards making the necessary changes.

3. Develop good amounts of self confidence
There maybe several methods to do so. Try out different activities. Put yourself out there. Many a times I underestimate myself because I don't put myself in situations where my talent and abilities can bloom and then I think everyone around me is better at it.

4. Be firm and assertive when people around you try to make you do things you don't want to do and vice versa. If they don't understand, it's alright to leave them in their delusional world that demands that they be the king over everything and everyone. You don't miss out when you're away from those people...you gain. The best way to play a game that people try to play on your mind is by not playing at all.

*Bonus*
Understand what your boundaries are and why it's good to keep them. Think out all the positives that can come out from you being assertive with others. (Especially with the really annoying pushy people)