The Pills In Your Mouth

    There are a lot of health-related fears in the air around us these days. With polarized opinions regarding every topic, like the ones related to medicine and treatment, it is very confusing to choose which path one must take towards a good or better health. 

We all hear of and fall victim to new diseases or fall prey to an old, yet incurable one. It is a worrying thought to think about. It was a thought that particularly worried me as a child, the fear of getting those dreaded “incurable” diseases. 

Then there’s the thing about doctors. Doctors do seem mysterious in their ways and mannerisms. All wrapped up in heavily complicated medical terminology and statistics…with pills, tablets, capsules and potions to aid in treatments…no wonder so much of their lives are still unknown to us. 

Most doctors do bridge the gap and help one become more educated about their illness. However, some thrive with the asymmetric information on their side and do nothing about it.

Many people grow up in fear of the unknown mystery that are doctors and their medicines. Maybe I had it too until I had a very bad illness in my childhood that wrecked havoc to my otherwise golden childhood. A doctor’s advice on medicine cured me and since then, I’ve been less anxious and scared of the peculiarities of my body and the changes it goes through when it’s sick. 

With a good doctor, you feel heard and validated for the experience of your illness and ailment. You feel empowered with the correct diagnosis. The unknown sickness that has been hurting you, now has a name. The strange ambiguity has been given a name and now you’re on your way to recovery. 

Lately, I’ve noticed how many different pills I’ve been having for a variety of ailments. Sometimes I wonder, “Am I really at the prime of my health?”

We often go into seasons of illness and suffering that seem not to have an end. It’s just eternal popping of pills into your mouth and drowning it in a quick large sip of water, day after day. 

I won’t say it doesn’t get exhausting. It does. 

I remember recently how I had to have around 6 tablets everyday for 15 days. It was so annoying. 

But when I think about it. It isn’t mindless consumption of something I don’t understand, let alone can pronounce. (As most medicines have tongue-twisting chemical formulae as their name)

Medicines I have, are under the guidance of a wise, well-trained doctor in the recommended doses they advise me to take, bought from a well-equipped pharmacy that sources its medicines from high quality pharmaceutical industries. I live in the 21st century, a time medical science has achieved leaps and bonds. People in the ancient world would kill to receive the treatment I’m getting in my time.

I comfort my woes of taking timely medicine with this rationale…that, I’m grateful to be born in a time there is treatment for whatever I’m suffering. 

And whatever the side-effects, it beats being sick and the risk of that illness progressing into something far worse. 

I also try to think that taking medicines on time and following medical advice is a self-care ritual for my ailing body. 

Being sick isn’t fun…but with each dose I take in its recommended time…I’m beating the illness…one pill at a time. 

Cyclone, trauma and panic attacks

    

    Cyclone Tauktae came at a time when the Indian people were already exhausted with the 2nd wave of the Covid-19 pandemic. It sent thunder and heavy to light rains to the entire country. It devastated lives and livelihoods. And it really made worse an already grim situation in our country. The cyclone passed near Mumbai city day before yesterday and brought with it terrible winds, heavy rains and a scary combo of thunder and lightning. 

    In the locality I live in, we had thunders and rain throughout the day, as well as aggressive winds. The huge tree outside, clapped its leaves with the winds as it tried to hold itself up. Many leaves fell, many branches as well. Thankfully, no fatalities here. When I opened my window, I was horrified by the way the winds were making that tree sway so violently, doors and windows of my neighbours banged and swayed along. 

    When the night came, it was a sleepless one. I spent an hour or two overthinking about everything. I had written in my diary before bed. And some of those sentences kept looming in my mind. I always get annoyed when I don’t have pen and paper near me during these times. I get so inspired when I relax and think in bed. I was trying my best to calm my thoughts to sleep. And once I did…

The loudest thunder crash of my life decided to show up and ruin it.

    I woke up with a freight…screaming and crying. I had the most intense panic attack ever. I had had panic attacks before due to nightmares. But never like this. Never have I heard myself cry like that. I was scared of my own cries. I gasping for air….my heart, racing. I felt pain in my chest. I was shivering with fear. My whole life flashed in front of me when the lightning had struck. I seriously thought I was struck by lightning. I can remember the sounds of my scream-crying as I type out this piece. My reaction is still unbelievable to me. I didn’t know what was happening to me or what was happening around me. 

    Anxiety and panic attacks are very similar. Panic attacks are more severe and tend to happen suddenly. Anxiety attacks gradually come in and range from mild to severe. The symptoms of each of these attacks are also very different and thus the way of dealing with them, differ as well. (to read more about this, click on the link in the references)

    My mom came to the bedroom to see what was all the commotion about. I hugged her and asked her to sing something to calm me down from my panic and breathlessness. She sang me a hymn and after around 10 minutes, my breathing slowly stabilized. Listening to her heartbeat and singing helped me overcome this episode of panic. After I calmed down a bit, I still felt awfully scared of the lightning. I was too scared to live! That’s when this thought came to mind: Is it better to just die in a frightening situation than to live with a trauma? 

    For a while the lightning kept crashing, though they were softer than the one that had awoken me, I was scared of its random lights and every conductor of electricity around me….water and metal. I even felt scared to approach the area near the windows, for fear of getting electrocuted. 

    I imagined how death by lightning would feel like, and it was a horrible thought. 

    Plans changed. Instead of trying to fall asleep, I tried my best to not sleep. I shut my ears with my hands and curled up in a fetal position even when there wasn’t any lightning happening at that moment.

    Every thought turned rancid. Every attempt to calm myself down with beautiful imagery failed as my newly traumatised brain turned it into a morbid version of the thought. 

    Lying down in bed last night made me wonder if I’ll always be afraid of thunder and lightning. I also was embarrassed by the way I scream-cried. I thought about everything as I desperately tried my best not to fall asleep. Though, it was something to get scared of, right? I judged and then corrected myself. It really was a scary occurrence. I need to be kinder to myself. I removed my hands off my ears and laid down in a more relaxed comfortable position.

    I googled more about the cyclone and tracked where it had reached. I went on Instagram and laughed at cute dog videos. I looked at my windows to spot lightning and then covered my ears promptly when I saw one. It almost looked like will-o-wisps when small ones came. I was honestly scared my fear would cause me hallucinate some scary fictional beings. 

    The sun was starting to rise and I saw the gradients of white change through my windows. When it was 8 am and wasn’t thundering anymore, I decided to sleep. 

    The wind was still blowing violently but at least it wasn’t as loud and scary as the thunder crashes, it was more or less…calm and peaceful. 

    Big question…did I wake up my neighbours with the sound of my weird scream-crying?

Post-Script: More than 24 hours later, I remember my weird wailings in the night and laugh. It really does seem funny, the way I reacted to the situation. :P

A baby cries in the distance, its voice echoes on the building walls. All I think about in that moment is that, 2 days back, it was my cries echoing after the lightning strike.

References: https://www.healthline.com/health/panic-attack-vs-anxiety-attack#symptoms

https://www.hindustantimes.com/india-news/cyclone-tauktae-updates-ins-kolkata-rescues-2-survivors-101621314710101.html

Adulting: Playing the part

    Since a young age, we would look up to adults with sheer wonder sparkling in our eyes. It seemed like such a beautiful perfect world. We all wanted to grow up quickly because of the envy we felt, over how adults could choose and live life the way they wanted. 

    So we fast tracked on every superficial characteristic on what it means to look like an adult. We see it everywhere in our society...the make-up, the clothes, the alcohol and other "adult things". 

    Can you blame an innocent child into believing this was what it meant to be, to be an adult? We don't know any better. Maybe it's time society taught us better.

    When I turned 18...I didn't feel any different. The world treated me a little differently in legal situations...but for the most part, I was still treated like a child. Soon, I'll turn 21, and I doubt it'll make me feel any different as well.

What's the right way of feeling on birthdays anyway?

    Lately, I and my classmates have been busy studying, looking for college courses, scholarships, internships and jobs to apply after our graduation. At every step there's so many more routes we can take, that it becomes confusing to decide which one will be the right decision for us.

    I had the habit of over-planning when I was still in school. Then in High school, I realized, it made me an anxious wreck, so I started planning only for the very next step. It was a good strategy that I followed, until now. 

    I'm back to over-planning out of necessity.

    

    I'm usually a lazy person...so that part of me just wants to keep with the way things are going, instead of trying something different that could be good for me. But I know and fear the reality, that all opportunities come along with anxiety and may pass me by…if I don't act within the specified time. After that, all I'll be left with, will be regrets.

    Turning into an adult wasn’t as dramatic or great as I once thought. However, there is a joy I feel, over finally growing up despite not achieving my dreams yet.

    Early Adulthood is a phase for me where I'm still trying to learn the ropes of life. Slowly transitioning from making my own decisions and bearing the consequences of those decisions. I'm failing at the life standards I set at a young age. But in time I've come to know that it’s OK if your dreams change due to the new information you have at hand. 

    Even if in 5 years, I'm not where I want to be. It's only because of the hurdles I faced; The hurdles of adulthood that no-one talked to us about while growing up. So, I guess I can't only be angry at myself, right? No-one warned me about the boredom of paperwork, anxiety of looking through courses, insecurities of job eligibility, unstable politics, unreasonable restrictions by parents, stereotyping by society, and so on.

    When I look back at the dreams of my childhood self, I know it was too romanticized and set in the imagination of a perfect world. I am happy I had the innocence and imagination of a perfect world back then, but it's time to wake up and play the part.

Agenda for 2021

         Waking up earlier really has boosted my productivity. And when I say productivity, I mean, doing things I planned to do all along instead of spending the whole day watching Shows and playing Garena Free Fire. Though, those things are fun and amazing. 

I am finally done mooching around and ignoring this poor blog. (I hope)

During this break from writing here, I really thought a lot over the many things that have happened. This Pandemic is taking more time than expected, huh? At least now, some of the things are back to normal and they are my sweet comfort. 

Several of my plans are turning into reality as I try to apply for jobs and colleges...many freedoms seem to be just outside the door. 

There's always the laziness in me that still doesn't want to do anything, and get everything. 

After I began my search for jobs and internships, I've a better idea on the path ahead of me and the steps I need to take. It's like the trial and error of my childhood self, clicking her tiny fingers on my dad's first feature mobile phone. Is learning everything in life, a process of trial and error?

These days, I am spending some time on continuing my editing of this blog. There are beliefs and ideas here, that I no longer support...thus, I'm on a cringe-y journey to eliminate such articles and edit others. So you may find that some articles have disappeared or been changed. Don't worry, because they are either really old or have very few page viewers. I also hope to finally try and get all my articles illustrated. Big work ahead of me! Just wanted to get you'll updated about it.

I really enjoy creating on this space granted to me by the internet. 

Though I sometimes find it really peculiar how I get things done so much quicker when I'm doing it for someone else. Is that a lack of self-respect? Perhaps.

Much to do in little time, I bet all of us can relate to that. But even in my busyness, I'm glad to have things to do and fill up my day.

I am also considering trying to make my social media accounts more personal and transparent of who I am as a person and what this blog is about. This has been on my mind for a long time and I really didn't know how to go about it. 

A little announcement from me is coming and its that I will be open to hire for illustrating, writing and tutoring. Will give more details soon. :)

Dreaming of you

    A peculiar characteristic of a lot of my dreams is that I am often out of my body, looking at myself from afar. It's an out of body experience that I can't explain. Now that I put it in words, it almost seems to be, that my dreams have an imposter in my flesh, who's trying to steal my life. But it wasn't so. I felt and thought everything that was happening, I could just see it from the outside. 

    A lot of us imagine what we look like from the outside....I do too. But how we're seen by society isn't the topic of this article today...it's about how you see your own life. 

    I grew up seeing and imitating a lot of thing I saw in shows and movies. I tried to fit into characters I liked and thought were cool. (Are we all imposters? Or is this just the imposter syndrome?)

And one of these imitations as a kid, happened to be journaling. It started out on an incident of rejection but turned out to be something that helped me gain a great awareness of myself. It has been 9 years since I first started.

    It’s great to have a way to rediscover who you used to be in the past. I often come back to my old diaries whenever I go through identity crises, which, due to life-changing decisions and my questioning, happens often. It’s a way to peep into your past mind…it’s all the information about you that you can’t memorialize into photographs. Though I’ve heard of another method of using photos in diaries. (I also want try video diaries in the future.)

    When you begin writing all about your day, you begin to learn how to capture every nuance of your living experience and convert it into words. It isn’t that other people can’t feel as much as you do or live boring lives. It’s only that they don’t romanticize their lives the way I do.

    They don’t understand how romantically exhilarating it is, to read one’s old diary entries and feel the fondness of self-love swell in your heart. A certain pride from looking back and ruminating over life and thinking, “Her, I knew her, I was her, I am her.”

    Maybe this is how my strange dream viewing from afar began to conceptualize in my mind. I relive moments of my life by reading diaries and dreaming about them. (I also dream of the future and fictional stuff like any other person.)

         Sometimes I wonder if I could live like that, peering at myself from the outside….in romance of how much I’m in love with the person I’m becoming. Then I realize I’m already doing that, in a way, when I look at the life of the one I love. I capture every moment and keep it in my heart fondly.

I see and I like what I see.

My journey through Mental Health

        I realize the opinion I was born into...that Mental Health didn't matter and I had to just tough it out. I thought therapy and psychological medicines were only for severe cases or for crazies but I was wrong. I now I realize there's a benefit that can be had for everyone.

       My journey began when one of my classmates committed suicide and I promised myself I would do everything I could, to reduce suicide rates in India. But it isn't just suicide, there are so many suffering mental illness patients that go untreated because of the stigma. I chose Arts and started studying Psychology, with an ambition to cure this country in whatever way I can, from the pains of having to suffer alone without required treatment. I wanted to become a psychologist. (I could still become one maybe)

        After a few years of conflicting reasoning with myself, I finally went for my first therapy session to my college's counsellor. She was great. We talked about so many things that bothered me. She guided me out of every dysfunctional rut I was in. She helped me become a better person and I'm so grateful for her. She inspired the article I wrote, "Good therapist, Bad therapist." She was a good therapist. She really equipped me with tools, I think I will always use in my life. I felt safe to have my mind in her hands, there was a trust between us and having her be so similar to me, really did help make that trust so strong. I felt like I didn't have to be a therapist if people like her already exist. The world felt like it was in good hands. My burden of thinking being a therapist would be the only way I could change the world had lightened.

Ever since my experience with her, I've been telling everyone to see a therapist and they've all been offended or annoyed at me. 

Why? 

It's because people still think you have to have something seriously wrong with you to go for therapy. 

I honestly felt that shame and stigma associated with it when I used to go. I would say lies instead of just blatantly saying that I'm going to the therapist, whenever I was asked where I'm going. I eventually got comfortable with saying I'm going for therapy, no matter what the reaction was. Everything unknown is scary, I guess, and then once it's known....it isn't scary anymore.

    A year later I went to another psychologist who wasn't so great. But it still made me feel better, having told someone about it. It isn't a surprise that she inspired me to write the 'Bad therapist' part of "Good therapist, Bad therapist." Though I'm sure she meant well. The fact is, some therapists don't work out. It's ok to go in search of others who will be right for you. 

    I find it utterly strange how slow the stigma for therapy is fading...everyday lives are lost to suicide...lives are ruined with mental dysfunction...or just the sad reality that some people constantly feel like they're living unsatisfactory or underperforming lives. Psychology brings us all together. It builds a path on how to be the better selves we want to be. It is so helpful if people just give it a chance.

Chances are, you're still not going to ring up a therapist and make an appointment for a session. But please, don't judge and shame people who do. Self-help books written by therapists also helps you better understand the way your mind works and how to better treat yourself...all in the comfort of not personally reaching out to a therapist for a session. 

    Everyone needs a little help sometimes. 

    That's the thing, we're never really alone in our problems. There always will be people who want to help you...whether it's a concerned friend/family member or a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. 

I know Mental Health Day 2020 is nearly over in India, but there's still so much that needs to be talked about and encouraged in our society. There's so much we can still do. 

Looking back (on 2019)

It's obvious when a blogger doesn't blog as much that something is wrong.

Though, like my friends always say, most of my problems are internal, in my head. I haven't been writing cause of too many things going on, both in my head and in my life. (Yes, I know most of you'll too face this issue). But we all need to make time for the things we enjoy doing, even if there's no direct benefit.

My life is and has always been an emotional rollercoaster. I cry as often as I wholeheartedly laugh. I admit I have emotions and sometimes overindulge in them as I try to find out ways to get on with my life.

I like to put myself into crisis it seems. I like to overburden myself with plans, goals and deadlines. I like to push myself to breaking point. (And then it feels like I'm breaking apart)

But the past year, the last few....say 4 months, I've been taking it easy. Maybe I took it a little too easy.

I lost all motivation as my motivation was fueled by me being a big bully to myself. When I attempted to stop, I found that I couldn't do anything anymore. I cancelled plans, I extended deadlines. I went way past my comfort zone. I told myself it's ok. Slowly, I'm regaining my motivation by encouraging myself to be the best I can be.

I changed. There is no constant me however, that's what I learnt last year.

I also learnt the value of adjustment.

I learnt I take a lot of time to process events. I learnt that most of time when I go through a problem, I don't want solutions...I just want to be heard and seen. A lot of feelings I felt as a child, came back again, (with vengeance) and yes it was different...the situation, in health and mind...but I guess it's one of those moments where you feel helpless as a child and have to remind yourself that you're an adult now. I can make my own decisions now, I can use what I've learnt to think differently, to see life differently.

In the last few months I stopped regularly blogging, I would write a blogpost and then immediately reject  it & delete. Writing this blogpost too I've realised, that I'm not sure about a lot of things. I don't know if it will work for sure. If I use this rationale, nothing in life is for sure. 

Not everything that I became good at, I initially cared much about for the future. And yet, the things I just did, without any expectation, worked out so well. Whether it was music, friendships, journaling, drawing and so on....taking one big decision at a time, hoping for the best and being prepared for the worst has probably become my life's motto right now.

Balance is something so simple yet hard to achieve. The star sign I was born with depicted what I now aim for in my emotions and reasonings. 

A balance between self-love and constructive criticism of self is needed. A balance between always blaming yourself or others in a problem is needed. A balance between breaking irrational rules and following rational ones is needed. A balance between work, learning, social life and alone time is needed. A balance between emotion and rationality is needed.

I'm not sure what the future of 2020 holds for me. I don't know the fate of my blog either. But if I haven't already made my point clear (which I don't very often) it is that, life is unpredictable and I should accept that. Lots of changes have happened last year and will continue to happen this year, I hope the change is good as it always has been. I'm changing as I am learning. And I'm learning as I'm questioning.

I'll take a midnight walk into the dark depths of my insanity and realise, I've accepted the oblivion. And in accepting the darkness, it often times, turns into light. 

Good wishes

I like receiving greeting cards. And recently I got plenty of them. 
It's nice to see how creative we are in our own different ways. Even when we don't put in the effort to think much about our differences. 

The differences seen in design or colour scheme just makes its visible. 

Even hand writings are so different depending on age or mood or training. 
I find it interesting to try figuring out people by the work they put up. Not saying I'm always successful at it. But it's a forever continuing investigation...because like I always say, "People keep changing."

I like birthday cards and cards for special events like first Holy Communion and Confirmation. I have a pile of such cards that I've collected over the years. I keep them safely. 

It's a paper representation of people's love for me. And I will always treasure them. 

Like I already said in this post, I like receiving cards as much as I like giving them. It's like a personal challenge to make them. (cause of varying preferences and events)

I sometimes just start making a card without a plan or end at mind. This is especially easy to do when you're equipped with loads of washi tape, cut outs and colour pencils/crayons. Collages are really fun that way...making something beautiful with whatever you have. 

Bottom line is this...I like it when you make cards for me. Thank you and always do so in the future whenever the occasion permits it. 

Stay away Birbs

Funny story...but as I logged onto Blogger today...two little birds came up with the content of this post...yes...birds.

In short, two little birbs (birds) broke into our house today...yay.

And me, being the territorial animal that I am...I just had to write this into a blog post or else I was going to lose it. 

So there I was...mixing rock salt with warm water for my salt-water gargle to deal with my throat that has been itching for the entire day while two lil' sparrows decide to come inside.

I heard the noise of something breaking into our house so I asked if anyone else heard that...the response I got was a "No". 

"Meh...must be imagining things" I thought to myself as I continued preparing my salt-water gargle. But noooo....as I continued to hear bird noises all too clear and near to me, I said I would investigate. 

Sure enough...I was right. Two audacious impolite sparrows were sitting on the inner side of my window. Enjoying themselves as they unintentionally (probably) ruined our clothes that were out to get dried, amidst also crossing the territorial boundary of our home.

I know what you're thinking- "It's so normal for birds to come in a house. We don't mind them. it's everyday life for us. It's no big deal that two birds broke your net and came in."

Yes...okay. I get it. But I'm not used to this and neither will I ever get used to this. Why? Cause it's our house how dare you come in without an invitation?

And like I already said before, (I'm territorial,) I do not like people or animals or things getting into a place I consider my territory without my permission.

Probably why I may never have pets. 

Anyway, things cleared up quite easily I think. We closed the windows after seeing they had a possibility of coming in our house and claiming it as their own without legitimate paperwork. Other than that....yeah. Everything is fine....[I say so as I recall all the questions I haven't been able to answer for decades and so they haunt me and my existence till the very end]

Also, just to be clear. I don't hate birds or animals or people. I like and enjoy their presence in my life...but only under reasonable limits. (Not in my house unless I ask them to come)

105 days of summer

Watching Phineas and Ferb while growing up made me really envious that they had 104 days of summer while I had barely 40 or 50.

But something happened this year...something so strange I didn't realize it happened until the end of it.

I like journaling my life, it makes me feel I can remember and hold on to important memories of my life as and when they happen. 

This is how I found out I had gotten 105 days of summer this year. 

So, about a week back, I decided to make a timeline of my entire summer...from the day of my last exam till the day before my college reopens. 
While I was nearing the end of this task...I realized my summer extended into 4 months. So I said, "Okay, Let's make a grand total."

When I did, I was shocked. I had 105 days of summer vacation this year. One day more than the summer Phineas and Ferb had in their summer.

I told some of my friends who shared that last exam with me. They too were surprised. 

And I? I decided to celebrate the last day of my summer. And that day is now, yesterday.

Didn't exactly go as my plans (when does it anyway?) ....because I didn't plan on mopping the whole house thanks to some repairs that had to be done in our house last minute. But seriously speaking, it wasn't that bad. 
Later that day, I enjoyed a blueberry cheesecake that my family and I ate together. That cake had the words of my unexpected victory: 105 days of summer vacation
That slice of cake was amazing. Who am I kidding? I ate two slices. 

Summer this year was great. I'll admit it, it did get a little boring towards the end (and annoying) but on the most part, I did complete lots of my personal goals...so that was great. 

I didn't go do anything particularly extravagant like Phineas and Ferb. But I had lots of fun hanging out with friends, meeting family, exploring the city, drawing, shopping, organizing my stuff, studying the bible, researching my options for courses, reading, learning new things.....and the list could go on. 

Back to Phineas and Ferb...due to this television series, I tend to plan out my days, each day, so that I don't waste my time doing nothing. And my summer vacations are a testament to the success of this planning. But, I do keep days aside to just relax and watch videos too. 

In a nutshell, I'm glad of the whole journey I've been through this summer.

And I'm glad I could share this joy with you. :-)

Auditions

Although you can say I messed up my audition for a music competition a few weeks ago...I still consider auditioning a good thing to do.

For starters, I made new friends. In my normal regular routine life, it's pretty difficult to differentiate and know who's a musician in class. (mainly cause musicians don't have a certain look)

It's amazing to have friends who share a musical passion and have the commitment & the long enduring patience it takes to learn music.

Secondly, I finally completed learning a piece that I always wanted to, but lacked the motivation to do so. Keeping the auditions as the "deadline" to finish mastering the piece, it surely helped me find motivation to do it. I honestly have been putting this piece on a constant hold before signing up for these auditions.

Thirdly, It gives you a reality check. Many a times, I tend to think I know it all in music. But the truth is....I don't. And even the most skilled and professional musician needs to be humble enough to realize that they can't know it all when it comes to music cause of the ocean of musical knowledge that keeps extending as the number of compositions keep accumulating.

I came to know about the brilliantly talented people around me and basically how much I still need to learn and I still need to practice to get to that level of expertise. 

And the thing about learning is that...it never can be fully accomplished...but that is what makes it so attractive and daring.

Next, is the fact that I never challenge myself enough and that's what holds me back from becoming better. It takes courage, okay? It takes courage to walk in front of a crowd and play a piece on an instrument by-heart, fully knowing that they may not like it, they may hate you, they may judge you for it and you may not live up to their standards. But do so anyway. Why? Because it helps you build yourself some confidence and courage.

Now, by all that I've expressed to you right now, you maybe thinking that I got selected for the main event...but the thing is...I didn't. And I know I avoided playing my instrument for about a week after that cause I couldn't stand the memory of my auditions. 

But then, I'm glad I didn't give up because I gained experience, I went out of my box for once, I achieved something that I normally wouldn't do. 

I won over my fears of embarrassing myself that day...and that for me...is a great reward in itself.

Body insecurities (Part 1)

I recently cut my hair short. I'm not quite sure what the hairstyle is called exactly.....but it's pretty cool. I like it.

I went to visit my relatives a few days ago and...as expected...they weren't too fond of it. Some of them liked it a lot.

I mean... I honestly don't get it. If someone likes something about themselves...they bring them to the dirt. 

I'm pretty sure everyone has their own insecurities. But I have come to accept mine. 

People who haven't accepted their own insecurities tend to display it outwardly on other people by criticizing them. 

Now,  I know...it shouldn't bother me if I know the cause behind their behavior. But honestly? It does. People who have a habit of endless criticism, leave a trail of hurt everywhere they go.


Before when I used to let criticism get to my head, it used to control me. 

You see, I've always been skinny as a kid. And even now...being a teen...I still am skinny.

So I used to get a lot of comments like "Eat well" and "You like a dry fish" and "Don't diet or starve yourself".

These things used to really hurt me at first...even though I used eat my portion of food properly.
I used to never diet. I used eat when I was bored. But my metabolism was so strong so I used to still appear skinny.

My insecurities led me to over-eating, stress-eating....while trying all kinds of weird tricks and consumption of whey proteins and powders that guaranteed weight gain.
I even tried hogging on junk food to get me to gain weight.
I tried exercising as well to boost my appetite.

But nothing worked.

And you know what I did after all that trying??

I gave up. I accepted myself for what it was and I made peace with my body.

It's been a rough ride, and I know my body has done and been through much. I'm proud of my body. Because it proved to me...not them...that yeah, I am healthy!   

Even though according to my BMI...I'm supposed to be underweight...I know in my busy life...my body has almost never come in my way to leading my lifestyle.

I travel a lot...I walk a lot...I sing a lot.

And my body co-ordinates and meets up to all my daily demands of stress and strain.

And so when I left my relatives house. I cut myself off their negative energy I was bombarded with while being there.

Because it's a different kind of happiness that comes from being happy in your own territory. That happiness they may never know. Unfortunately. 

Lessons learnt from my stolen phone

More than a month ago, my phone was stolen from me. What disappointed me more than the loss of my phone was the way the people around me reacted. They looked at me like I was some sort of idiot...careless and clumsy. They looked at me with such faces. They looked at me as if I lost my life support.

Suddenly, they started asking me questions that make me feel worse..."Where was it?" "You should be more careful, na?" "How come you didn't know that it was missing?" "You should've kept it in your hand. Why didn't you?"

I have to admit...at a point I doubted whether I was even good. I doubted whether I really deserved to have my phone stolen from me.

But then..

Bad things happen to good and bad people alike. We shouldn't take it so seriously. (Though good people feel worse since they lead good lives)

    

My mind went into over drive stressing about it. "I hope they get what they deserve because they don't know who they're messing with", I thought.

The anger and hatred I felt in the week that followed the robbery was over-whelming. It consumed my thoughts. 

I lost my phone, yes, but along with that, I lost my peace of mind. 

I was restless, troubled and hurt that this incident took place in my life. "Why me?", I thought to myself.

So often in our lives people deliberately do things to hurt or annoy us. And so often we get worked about those things. 

Whether it's a plain nudge while you're writing something, whether it's a desperate attempt to have a conversation with you while you're clearly reading something....whether it is stealing a person's phone when they don't have the energy or time to deal with the loss.

People really get out of their way to hurt you or irritate you. 

But somewhere along the way, I cut myself off this constant worry and annoyance of these group of people who wanted to get the better of me. I cut myself off the pain and hurt I felt for the loss of my phone. And as a result? I got my peace of mind back. 

I realized that if I allow myself to think about revenge and how to hurt them in some way, I'm only gonna end up hurting myself. 

Somewhere along the way, everyone should cut themselves off the negativity that they experience. Because if those people who have harmed you, affect you in any negative way.....they win, cause that's what they intended in the first place...to hurt you in some way that you lose your momentum in life. Don't let them have their way.

Dear people-who-stole-my-phone,

Hope you enjoy my new phone that you stole from me.

I hope you realize that you have no control over me and my feelings anymore.

Do whatever you want with it.

I wish you the very best,

Pearl.