Looking back (on 2019)

It's obvious when a blogger doesn't blog as much that something is wrong.

Though, like my friends always say, most of my problems are internal, in my head. I haven't been writing cause of too many things going on, both in my head and in my life. (Yes, I know most of you'll too face this issue). But we all need to make time for the things we enjoy doing, even if there's no direct benefit.

My life is and has always been an emotional rollercoaster. I cry as often as I wholeheartedly laugh. I admit I have emotions and sometimes overindulge in them as I try to find out ways to get on with my life.

I like to put myself into crisis it seems. I like to overburden myself with plans, goals and deadlines. I like to push myself to breaking point. (And then it feels like I'm breaking apart)

But the past year, the last few....say 4 months, I've been taking it easy. Maybe I took it a little too easy.

I lost all motivation as my motivation was fueled by me being a big bully to myself. When I attempted to stop, I found that I couldn't do anything anymore. I cancelled plans, I extended deadlines. I went way past my comfort zone. I told myself it's ok. Slowly, I'm regaining my motivation by encouraging myself to be the best I can be.

I changed. There is no constant me however, that's what I learnt last year.

I also learnt the value of adjustment.

I learnt I take a lot of time to process events. I learnt that most of time when I go through a problem, I don't want solutions...I just want to be heard and seen. A lot of feelings I felt as a child, came back again, (with vengeance) and yes it was different...the situation, in health and mind...but I guess it's one of those moments where you feel helpless as a child and have to remind yourself that you're an adult now. I can make my own decisions now, I can use what I've learnt to think differently, to see life differently.

In the last few months I stopped regularly blogging, I would write a blogpost and then immediately reject  it & delete. Writing this blogpost too I've realised, that I'm not sure about a lot of things. I don't know if it will work for sure. If I use this rationale, nothing in life is for sure. 

Not everything that I became good at, I initially cared much about for the future. And yet, the things I just did, without any expectation, worked out so well. Whether it was music, friendships, journaling, drawing and so on....taking one big decision at a time, hoping for the best and being prepared for the worst has probably become my life's motto right now.

Balance is something so simple yet hard to achieve. The star sign I was born with depicted what I now aim for in my emotions and reasonings. 

A balance between self-love and constructive criticism of self is needed. A balance between always blaming yourself or others in a problem is needed. A balance between breaking irrational rules and following rational ones is needed. A balance between work, learning, social life and alone time is needed. A balance between emotion and rationality is needed.

I'm not sure what the future of 2020 holds for me. I don't know the fate of my blog either. But if I haven't already made my point clear (which I don't very often) it is that, life is unpredictable and I should accept that. Lots of changes have happened last year and will continue to happen this year, I hope the change is good as it always has been. I'm changing as I am learning. And I'm learning as I'm questioning.

I'll take a midnight walk into the dark depths of my insanity and realise, I've accepted the oblivion. And in accepting the darkness, it often times, turns into light.